Just Journaling: Not much to report since the other night. H is still miserable. He has been in contact via tm mostly.
Saw him yesterday. He came by for a bit. He was very quiet.
I have been extremely busy with the kids and work. D13 is playing on 3 softball teams and s16 is busy with teaching swimming to young kids. He is loving it.
I have emailed my L regarding the house. My dad, a realtor, is going to go over the contract and make it difficult to sell the house in this market. (hard enough in this market already).
Not sure what to do with H. I am keeping my distance and loving from a far. He is such a mess. Today, thankfully he is working. He said he will be cancelling his C appt. tomorrow to come to d13's game. He really needs the C though...so I have mixed feelings about him missing.
So, I am off. D13 has a game and then practice for the school team (which is thankfully almost over for the season).
A, The same pattern is playing over and over again in your situation and you both are stuck. You go dim and he pulls something to suck you back in. He goes dim and you worry and then are sucked in. It might help for you to go back and read through all of your old postings for I believe the solutions you are seeking are in them.
Keep the focus on you and your children. Your h is a big boy.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You are right. We are stuck. It is the same pattern...come here go away. I am trying to break the pattern....and not let him suck me back into the drama. He is trying hard to get me to bite.
It's funny. Any time he calls me he puts on this down in the dumps depressed voice...then when he comes by he is all fine and dandy with d13 around.
For the little bit he has been here over the weekend, I have just went about my business. I try to keep my distance but he always ends up where I am. I'm outside, he comes outside. I am in, he is in.
H seems to be working a lot. Picking up shifts at another restaurant on his off days. Who know if this is the truth but he did say yesterday when he is at work it keeps his mind off everything and that is why he is working so much.
My H. I don't know what to believe out of his mouth. I don't know if he is manipulating me. I don't understand if he is supposedly this depressed why he won't come home or fix our family. I guess it's too much work or he really just wants the single life.
You would be proud, Snodderly, I ignored his TM in the middle of the night saturday. Baby step for me. Now I have to work on stopping the analizing I tend to do. I guess it is just that I can't imagine how someone can walk away from everything. How he can't figure things out and return. Is it pride?
Anyway, the kids and I have been keeping busy. Today I think we will just hang home. H says he may have to work and I really could care less. If he doesn't have to work you can be sure he will find a way to hang here.
As for the house, I have made some adjustments to the papers he gave me but I have still not returned them to him. Let him sweat it out....let him run to his lawyer again. The fact that he did that in the first place turns my stomach and makes me think he will never return.
Your h "reeks" of depression. Picking up extra shifts to keep his mind off of things is a sign of depression. It's another way to self medicate. He wears a mask whenever he's around your daughter because he doesn't want her to see him in the dumps. Masks tend to exhaust them after a time and they can't stay around too long or the mask will begin to slip.
Your h is paralyzed in his depression. He can't decide to go forward or backward, therefore, he's stuck. BTW, did you read any of the depression books or look up the symptoms of depression? The reference tools on the net, etc., are excellent in describing how depression affects people. Depression isn't always played out the same w/each individual.
You have to go on w/your life as if he were never coming back. The sooner you do this, the better you will be mentally, emotionally and physically. Yes, it hurts and is mind boggling, but there's nothing you can do to help him. You can only save yourself and be the best parent you can be for your children.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Snodderly: My question, does guilt and blame come hand and hand with depression? I have been so busy at work and with the kids, that I have not had much time to surf the web and read. I promise after next week, I will, but I feel like the guilt has overtaken my H. I could be wrong, but here is what happened yesterday:
I hadn't talked to H all week (except for thurs when he called to apologize for not being at the house to take d13 to practice---he thought she had a game).
Anyway, he called me late friday night. I did answer because FIL had a procedure done and I was worried it may be news about him. When I answered H just asked how d13 did in her game. When I told him how well she played he got quiet. I inquired about his dad...as well as mil who had surgery in late april and is still recovering. He gave me an update....and that was that.
Yesterday H called asking for d13. She was at practice. The practice ran long and we had to go get supplies for projects the kids needed to do this weekend. WHen I picked d13 up from practice she called H and told him we would not be home. He had to go to work....
He then asked what was going on sunday. She told him that she had her softball banquet late in the day and asked if he wanted to come. His response..."mommy didn't invite me."
Well I grabbed the phone from her and said no H, it is not that I didn't invite you...and he hung up. I tried several times to call him back to explain, and he would hang up. I finally got his vm and left a message with the following explanation:
H, it is not that I didn't invite you, I just made the reservation last night. I made it for one adult and told d13 if you didn't have to work then you can take her. I just didn't want to buy 2 tickets (they were expensive) in case you got called into work like has happened the last 2 weekends. Originally the jr. hight team was doing their own pizza party, not a banquet, so I never really thought we were going until d13's friends said they were.....and that the pizza party idea got canned.
H tm'd me, in a really mature way, "blah, blah, blah. You win. You made me look like the bad guy and put d13 in the middle."
I sent him one more tm that apologized for not telling him about it (even though I had just made the reservation the night before), but right now I can only live in the day to day.....and the shuffling the kids, and that was not on my radar. I think if I had seen him in person, I would have told him, but I was so busy transporting the kids and running, it didn't dawn on me. I know, my bad
My true intention was to have H take her or give him first option. S16 has a project to do and needs me to take him to do it, I have to get to the store and get food in the house, laundry needs to be done. I could use the time....D13 totally understood. I had told her this the other night when she said that she wanted to go. She knows I can't afford to buy a ticket and not use it as well.
Anyway, my phone battery died after receiving several more scathing tm's from H. I only replied that i was sorry. It was my fault. Trying to do too much. Bad communication on my part.
When i charged up my phone, I had a tm from H that stated "No it is all my fault. Everything was...is...Nothing left to discuss. You win. I am the bad guy. You are the martyr. Everything that went wrong is my fault. I didn't try hard enough."
So, not sure what to make of that. Is that guilt eating at him? Is he finally assessing the damage that he has done? I am not sure. I have not responded and don't intend on it. I am taking s16 to do his project and hopefully H will see d13 when I am gone. She is planning on asking him to take her.
I think part of the reason he is so quick to tell me I win, you take her (which in my eyes is not a win....not that I don't want to go, but I will be working 60 hours next week ...busiest week of the year...and really need the time to get things at the house together), is that he doesn't or can't be social with the people that will be there. It will be uncomfortable. Many of the parents were friends of ours prior to MLC....and know what has transpired. I think it is easry for him to be the martyr...then he gets to get out of the banquet and blame me.
UGH!!!! Snodderly, I really have been a good girl lately. I have stayed busy and put H aside to figure his life out. I just don't know if he will ever get out of this depression. It is so hard to see him like this. TO have him act like this. He is acting like a baby with the "mommy didn't invite me" and "blah, blah, blah."
In the past I would lose sleep over arguments like this. Last night I slept like a baby. There is absolutely nothing I can say to this man right now. I just don't know how he ever will come out of it.
A, He's suffering from the martyr syndrome. Stop apologizing! You did absolutely nothing wrong here. You didn't know what his schedule would be, and your intentions were good. You've apologized and explained what you did and that should be enough for this man/child. He needs to stop and look at the entire picture and realize that his schedule has been all over the place and he's been unreliable at best on a number of occasions. He needs to grow up and accept the consquences of his actions.
Now, you should have a very good picture of where he's at in his crisis. He's not progressed further than a 15 yr old. Your children are more mature than he is right now. So, what do you do? Ignore this behavior. Don't buy into his acting out. You are the adult in this situation, so your decisions have to be what you want and what is best for your children. Your h made the decision to walk and can't bring himself to face his own demons, so why should you be called the martyr? You are there, in the house, taking on all of the responsibility of every little detail while he's out there on the streets. You, a martyr? I dont' think so.
Depression is about feeling guilt about the past. Depression and anxiety work at opposite ends of the pole. Anxiety is feeling guilty about something in the future. I have an old thread on Depression and MLC in Tandem. You may want to read it. It will give you a "fast track" version of some of the topics that you'll read about on depression.
If you end up going to the banquet, have a good time and leave your h at the door for the evening. You've been walking on eggshells for a long time, it's time to get back on the concrete and live your life to the fullest.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thans Snodderly: I just printed out this thread. I plan to read it thoroughly tonight after the kids go to bed.
My H is sure acting like a baby. Today I took s16 out for 2 1/2 hours trying to find the 15 leaves that he needed to identify for biology class. We found most at a local college where the beautiful grounds have the trees marked.
We then went to sil's (h's sister) who I knew would know the leaves. She pointed out some on her property, told us where to find at Mil's house and at another sil's. We made brief visits to everyone and picked the leaves we needed and were done.
While we were gone, d13 called and said H was coming by to take her for a new bat bag. When s16 and I got home, who pulls in H and d13. He dropped her off and started backing up to drive away. I aproached the car and asked if he was coming in to play catch with her and he said he doesn't go where he is not wanted.
He pulled away ...and that was that. He tm'd me asking about d13's orthodontist appt. tomorrow. He said he would pick her up and take her. I tm'd him that she has a game tomorrow just so he was aware. His tone was sharp.
So, Snodderly, I am leaving him out there. Gonna take d13 to the banquet and he can play the martyr. He is acting like a 5 year old and I am tired of it. I wish i knew if my old h will ever resurface I am beginning to give up hope.
A, Just leave him twisting in the wind. He's sulking right now and he needs to go find a place in the corner and sulk. Nothing you can say or do will fix him or his situation. You can only work on yourself and be there for your children.
Yep, they don't have money for the important things, like bills, but they have money for other things.
I hope your week is a good one.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
