hey hon))))))))) big hugs, remember, it won't feel like this all the time (coming out of a rut myself), it's a stupid cycle, we feel better for a while, then we hit rock bottom... but then we get up again. With God's help, the most hurtful part will become smaller each time, it will loose its sting, it will always be there but we must work hard at feeding the other good parts of our lives so we don't focus too long nor too hard on the D.
We havent' failed sweets, our H's have lost their spine, the good persons they were are long gone, we went all the 9 yards and more, God knows it and that's all that matters.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
thanks guys- you know you read teh boards in the beginning (or middle whenever it is that you ifnd it) and you SEARCH OUT ANSWERS.... One thing I think I believe now more than ever--- you have to let go of control (and I am not good at that!) So many have told me that some have to go all the way with the D. I believe that true with my h. He has to live out his failure...(i mean that in that he likes playing hte "martyr" role....)
I am tired - I am sad. I can't figure out what it is that I want for my future. Someone I was talking to todaay said he can't remember what it is like to NOT be married. (he is on his second..) I said that is part of my problem.... I can't remember either. ALL Of my adult life I have lived as a partener - married.
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
Same here Cagz. I could not remember what it was like not to be married.
Now I don't think about it. I am strong and o.k. I feel like I am being taken care of now by a higher power.
The anxiety is gone.
I have finally realized that THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO.
Before I thought I could change my ex's mind or convince him to want his family again. Boy was I wrong.
I don't want someone who discards his family and his wife of 20 years.
He has to heal and repent.
If they are not remorseful, they are not ready according to SteinKamp.
Thinking of you Cagz, hang in there it will get better.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
T been trying to find ur email. i know they won't let us post them on here - do you have mine anymore? I would love to talk with u!!
I too am at that wierd place - "There is NOTHING I can do." NOTHING. It is strange. All my life i have been teh "Fixer" and took care of people. And now with H - it is all on him.
Have you heard someone ever use the term "false humility?" That is what my H has. Oh he is "remorseful." But not really - I am with you - my h too needs to heal and repent.
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
I know this hurts but I am glad you are working to give up trying to control this. You simply cannot fix anyone else--- much less someone who doesn't want to be fixed in the first place!
My goal for myself is to live in the "now." I don't allow myself to think back to what I could have done differently nor to look ahead to holidays and such possibly without ex-H. I just do what I can with what I have each day. Otherwise, I would go crazy and jump right back into that controlling mode that I lived in for so long.
Take care-- do something nice for yourself this weekend.
Making progress I guess-- like you. Trying to live for today and not make my descions based on feelings OR EXPECTATIONS. I am finding that that REALLY helps. AND doing for ME. It is new to me but I am learning.
I am very thankful for counseling. It is the safe place where someone does care about ME but they are not emotionally involved..it makes it so easy to be hoesnt and real.
Knowing that the D is well - in play has "taken the pressure off..." i dont know why. It is wierd. AND I AM SURE that when I get the papers it will be another hard wierd day.
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
I am happy that you are getting so much out of counseling and that you feel safe there. That will be a tremendous help to you in the future.
Funny story- I am back in school, as you know (ugh!) and one of my professors is also a counselor. He is the sweetest man that I have ever met. He is in his 70's and still working because he loves it (and people) so much. Anyway, he told us how there have been so many times that his women clients have thought that they were in love with him...simply because he LISTENED to them! So, he leaned over his desk and said to the one male in our class, "So, son, I am going to tell you the secret of relationships.... listen to everything she has to say! That's it!"
Sigh. If he wasn't so old and obviously in love with his spouse...well, you know...
Cagz, don't sweat the papers. I think you will find even more pressure relieved at that point. We spend so much time worrying about how bad it is going to feel to get them that when it does happen it isn't the big deal that we stressed about the whole time. Just another crappy day in the relationship. It doesn't define what happened before and won't really define what comes later.
Keep living for you. The rest is just a waste of time.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Ok, you need to feed your mind positive stuff. I was at Border's yesterday, read one pg of this book and I wanted to cry it made me feel so good, get it: Become a Better You: 7 Keys to Improving Your Life Every Day by Joel Osteen
He is AMAZING! hugs)))))))))))))) you can do it hon. SIgn up for his daily emails, those are truly, honestly God sent.
Hugs)))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
