for better,for worse,for (what)ever

[seekpeaceofmind]

I haven't been doing all that well - in the sense of no real change or improvement. I've noticed, tho, that even tho the pain and loss are still very much part of my experience, it is with less intensity. I hurt, but it doesn't overwhelm me as it did a few months ago and I have more perspective on what I am going through. I would like to be thru this stage, but I'm still here - there is something that I am not getting or working out.

I wish that I could stop wanting reconciliation, but I just can't. I'm working on it, but I guess I am still clinging at the same time. I know that I am making my happiness conditional on someone else and on things outside of my control, but I don't have enough of a handle on myself yet to get past that way of thinking.

Weekends are really tough for me. I am more aware of my loneliness and of the sense of rejection. I start to worry that I may never quite recover. That it will be like having a permanent injury. A lot of times I do think of this in terms of major trauma. That if I were to lose the use of my legs or something like that, I would have to learn to accept that, make the necessary adjustments and have a good life under the new circumstances. People do that every day. I feel like I am lacking some essential element of character.

I don't think DB is going to work for me. I've had one goal for months now - for him to call me just to say hello, because he thought of me and wanted to talk. This hasn't happened and I don't see any changes. I did decide on Friday to send him a quick text msg - I knew that he would probably be in court on a high profile case, so I sent a supportive comment. He then called me mid-morning to tell me that the case had been postponed for the day. He appreciated my message and had also texted a reply earlier. So, he will sometimes respond and be friendly, but he is not going to initiate.

I asked him two weeks ago to let me know when he would come and move out the rest of his things. He hasn't taken any action on that. I noticed that some of the things he did take the last time he was here were stuff that he has no immediate use for and just has to go into storage. For example, he took the box of Christmas things, but left kitchen ware. He seems to have no need for the things that you would want for normal housekeeping. I have no idea how he is spending his time or who with. I am here with all kinds of chores to do to get the house ready to put on the market and preoccupied with the death of this marriage. What the h*ll is he doing? He's not moving his stuff out. He's not helping me. He's not thinking of me. Is he with another woman? Is he out playing and just having fun? Where does he spend his time? It's hard not to think of these things. I'm alone a lot and so much of my energy right now is tied up in trying to let go of this marriage when it is really not what I want.