Going, I always keep up with your thread, and with your posts to others. You are amazingly grounded and a wonderful mother. I read everything you have said to your children as future reference.
Our H's are very very similar. The grudge holding, the anger, the selfishness, the blaming others....all of it.
H called one more time during that mess, still wanting an answer about what was going to happen if we split up. Anyway, it finally got to the point where I got loud with him (not yelling, just LOUD ) and said, "LOOK! YOU DECIDE WHAT YOU NEED TO DECIDE FIRST. ONLY THEN WILL YOU GET YOUR ANSWER FROM ME!" Then I hung up.
After I logged off yesterday afternoon, I decided to wait another hour or so before going into work since it was so damn hot (the main office is air-conditioned, but the production area, in this heat, is like a sauna). Figured I'd try waiting for it to cool down a bit first, so I went ahead and did some cleaning here and there around the house.
H got home while I was doing this, and I could tell he was still mad, but he said nothing. He asked me where was my keychain garage door opener (he misplaced his or something and I have another opener in my car), and I told I would get it for him. He followed me into the kitchen where I had my purse, then went out into the garage after I handed it over to him. I went about my cleaning.
After a short time, I could hear him punching his punching and speed bags (the walls in this house are terribly thin!). Not something unusual. However, this time in particular, I could hear that he was releasing screams every so often with his punches. He was SO damn loud that I could hear him all the way from the back bedrooms, so I know that also meant the neighbors could hear him, too. Anyway, that doesn't really matter. What did matter to me was that I don't think I've ever heard H THAT enraged before. Sure, maybe he was just releasing tension (there's a lot of it!!!), but damn.......he was just in a fury with all that shouting, and even his punches were thunderous. This carried on for around 15 minutes until he came inside, was bright cherry red in the face (anger plus the outside heat), and got into the shower. I said and did nothing. Just kept cleaning, acting like nothing was bothering me. I actually did feel calm.
When he got out (still very mad), he went to the laundry room, and I don't remember what it was exactly, but I remember he was p*ssed about something in there. He came out and said to me, "Look, if you're going to do my laundry, I would appreciate it if you wouldn't let it sit in the washer for more than a day. I don't want my only good clothes to get any more f'ed up than....whatever." Normally that would irritate me, but I didn't let it this time. The clothes were NOT in there for longer than a day - I had just put them in early yesterday afternoon before going over to my stepdad's brother's house to do his IV flush, soooo.......they had been in the washer for about 5 hours. I admit that when I got home earlier, I had forgotten about sticking them in the dryer. Anyway, all I said to H was, "I'm sorry," and continued vacuuming.
While I was doing that, he was in the kitchen, mad as he**, slamming cabinet doors, throwing pots, pans, food containers down on to the counter.......He was just livid, and it seemed like he wanted me to know it. Whenever the vacuum was off, he was slightly less loud, but when I turned it back on, it's like he had to be louder than the vacuum.
Oh, and I think the reason why he was so mad in the kitchen was because there was no Gatorade in the fridge (he opened it when he first went in there). We have some in the pantry (the bottled kind), and I noticed yesterday morning that he finished off the ones that were in the fridge the day before. Normally I'd stick them in the fridge so they would be cold by the time H got home from work.....but I chose not to do that for him yesterday. Besides, we have ice.
He went out into his man-cave for a little while. I was in S8's room when he came back inside about 10 minutes later. He walked into the room and asked what I was doing. I said nothing, just straightening up a little before I went into work. He looked spent and asked me numbly and as though he were in defeat, "Would it bother you if I hung out with (coworker) tonight to watch the Giants' game?" I said, "No, not at all." He flinched a little like he thought I really was bothered by it, but I said even more pleasantly, "No, it's cool! I don't have a problem with it." He seemed to relax a bit and said ok.
He went into the bedroom and changed his clothes again. Guess he didn't like what he had on to go out, but anyway, about another 10 minutes after that while I was gathering my things for work and he was walking into the bathroom, he asked, "You're not mad at me, are you?" I said no (and I wasn't). Then he said, "It's not like I don't know what today is, you know. I've got it tattooed on me." I said, "I know what today is, too, and I'm not mad." A short time after that he left, then so did I.
When I got into my car after work last night (just after 10pm), I saw H left me a VM at 9:30pm saying that he was sharing one more pitcher of beer with (coworker) before coming home. He just wanted me to know what was going on, that he didn't want to fight when he got home since he had to work the next morning, and that he hoped I wasn't mad. I sent him a TM that said, "I'm not mad. Have fun!"
Anyway, I got home and played around on the computer a little bit. I figured if H stuck to his word, he would be back at the house around 10:30, 11 o'clock, but those times came and went. My mind was beginning to wonder and worry a little. You know, that insecurity thing. But I told myself to let it go. I wouldn't care.
Just before midnight, H called. He asked if I was mad at him for still being out. I said, "No. I sent you that text telling you to have fun, and I meant it." He didn't say much about his night, and that's ok, but he told me the reason why he was out later than usual was because he had to drive (coworker) home to Napa since he couldn't drive himself. Not sure if I believed him or not, but again I let it go. Then he asked me if I wanted him to pick anything up (food, whatever). I said no, but thanks for asking. I appreciated it. He asked if I was sure, and I said I was but thanks again.
He got here about 10 minutes later and said he picked up extra food just in case I changed my mind and was hungry. Told him that was nice, thanks, but I really was alright.
He sat down on the couch and ate. I was watching "Transformers". I thought I smelled smoke and asked if he had been smoking. He got a little defensive and said, "Yeah. Is that a problem?" I just said, "No, not at all. I just thought I smelled smoke, and that's why I asked."
Another 10 minutes went by. He was done eating and asked if I would make sure that he got up no later than 4:30am this morning. I said I would. He stood up from where he was sitting, said he was going to bed and wanted to know if I was, too. I said no, I was going to stay up for a little while longer. I continued to watch the movie while he just stood there looking at me for a minute or two before he finally went into the bedroom. I don't know how much he had to drink last night, but he looked like he had quite a bit.
Anyway, a few minutes after that, he called out my name, so I got up from the couch and stood in the bedroom doorway and said, "Yes?" H said, "Would you come lay down with me until I at least fall asleep?" I said, "I want to watch the movie." (I've already seen it before.) He said please, and I told him I wanted to stay up for awhile, then walked back into the living room.
I know some would say that I should've given him what he was asking for, and normally I would have. But not this time. I couldn't. I wasn't trying to be mean. I was kind the whole time. It just wasn't going to happen this time.
4:30am comes, and I made sure he got up. He took his shower, got dressed, thanked me for waking him up, then left for work.
When I got up this morning and checked my e-mails, this is what he sent me:
I am amazed that you put up with this situation. It is true that I am not happy but I am not as dumb as I act. I know you deserve a lot better. I feel horrible about everything that has happened. I know I am a jerk and the sole reason for all that has gone wrong in our lives. You may not see it but at the beginning and end of every day the thoughts of what's happened brings tears to my eyes as it does right now. I won't apologize because you have already heard it too many times. I don't have a lot of hope for the future and I don't know what's ahead. But it seems obvious that you are better off without me in your life. I hope I can be somewhat of a decent Dad. I hope that above all of our problems, you know that I really do care about and love our children. I would like them to be happy. I want them to enjoy what childhood they have left. I hope you find happiness as well.
I haven't responded. Don't know if I even should or what to say either.
Ok, I gotta go. I have to go to my stepdad's brother's house and give him his IV flush.
Have a great Sunday, everyone!
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Just got in, but I'm on my way out again to go to my sister's house in Brentwood to pick up a treadmill.
I just responded to H's e-mail:
I want our boys to be happy, too. They are what matter to me more than anything else. They are the sole reason I try to make things work. They deserve every possible chance.
Have a good day.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Your response was perfect. What I don't understand is if he knows you deserve better and he knows he's been a total jerk, why can't he TRY to make things better. Why throw in the towel? Why not give it all you got?
I hope you have a happy day.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
I think you may have at least made some progress in letting him see that it's not always going to be his way. He has some real issues to work through, or he isn't ever going to be happy. It's got little or nothing to do with you. That was some email he sent. I'm not sure that I would have told him the kids were the sole reason you are trying to make things work, but I don't think that's a big deal. You responded kindly. And it does sound like you "hurt him really badly with kindness"!
As I was reading your post, I was thinking that your H needed to go back to pre-school, when a temper tantrum is at least a normal way to express your feelings! It really irritated me that he would acknowledge what day it was, and yet not say it. That felt pretty much like a stab in the back, when I read it.
His email at least showed a tiny bit of compassion, though in the end, it is still about him, however he disguises it.
Thank you both so much! I did have a happy day! Got to visit with my sister for a little while, and now I am home with my boys. Hearing about their afternoon with Grandma and Grandpa and seeing their smiles always warms my heart.
About my response to H's e-mail this morning - I felt it was good, although I now wish the last sentence read, "They deserve every possible chance we can and are willing to give them." Sucks that you can't go back and edit an e-mail that's been sent! Oh well!
My reason for telling H that the boys are the sole reason why I try to make this work is because at this point, it is the honest to God truth. I could say that I try because I believe in M and in my vows, or that I try because I know with some genuine effort and positive thinking on both sides that it could work, or yada yada yada. However, IMO, none of that would get through to H. None of that would make him see that there was anything worth trying for. It is my belief that he would just shake his head or dismiss it because he CHOOSES not to see what's good. He CHOOSES not to see the possibilities that are there. We have stuff to build on. He just doesn't WANT to help me build it.
In addition, knowing how H would do ANYTHING for the boys, that was why I made the e-mail about THEM. Not me, not H, not what was right or wrong with the R. The boys. Yeah, I kind of "used" them, but I knew if I could get him to focus on the only little beings he holds closest to his heart, the only little people he sees good in, I just might get through to him.
Originally Posted By: girlfromipanema
What I don't understand is if he knows you deserve better and he knows he's been a total jerk, why can't he TRY to make things better. Why throw in the towel? Why not give it all you got?
You got me.
But I think my e-mail might have opened something up in H.
Dinner's just about ready, so I will post more later.
Have a great evening, all!
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Sounds like killing him with kindness got through to him! You won the endurance race! He was trying to get a reaction out of you and failed - and furthermore, I would be money, he was looking for an angry reaction to justify why things won't work, and you didn't give it to him!
Well, you know one thing that works - at least for now! You did awesome!!!
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
) and said, "LOOK! YOU DECIDE WHAT YOU NEED TO DECIDE FIRST. ONLY THEN WILL YOU GET YOUR ANSWER FROM ME!" Then I hung up. 