Somewhere between my mind and my mouth there must be a screwy filter.
I've got a snarky streak that just borders mean. I mean, a touch of truth makes it funnier, but I've got to pick my spots better.
I guess I'd better give an example or two here.
My h's xOW is significantly older. After reconciling we went to see a movie. The admission price was $5.50 for adults and $4 for kids and senior citizens. Yep, you see where this was going, doncha. I sweetly looked at him and said "Awww sweetie, we'll have to be careful with the entertainment budget now that you aren't getting that AARP discount for your *dates* any longer."
I assume the above example painfully makes my point about that filter thing.
I brought her up. I put her down (and frankly all dec./whatever romances and senior citizens out there, to boot). Lots wrong here. He acted fine and teased me back but it was too late. I'd hurt him.
Just little comments... or quick questions that I didn't have to ask. I'm just being careless. I'm also being a snarky, insecure, bitch.
I started a new thread because I've found myself working things out in my head as I type responses to others. Then the posts get really long. (surprise) But, I feel like I have to say it.
So. New rules for me. No more TJ-ing. I didn't do it on purpose, I seriously haven't tried to breach ettiquette or nettiquete (however it's spelled), I just appear to be really self-absorbed -- or trying to connect somehow and work through all this unchartered territory (myself). Sorry.
I don't want to be that bitter betrayed wife that never let it go....................... and I caught myself today. I thought it'd help me if I wrote it down. If I had someone in cyberspace to answer to, even if no one reads it.
Finally. What I didn't say:
I decided to surprise him on his job site with lunch from his favorite cajun take-out joint.
I had perfect timing. He'd just returned from running errands but hadn't eaten lunch yet. I walked with him to the truck as he set down the package and put his arms around me to thank me.
I glanced over to see a long blonde hair caught in the power window between the glass and rubber thingie. I have long blonde hair. But. So does one of his co-workers. OF course I blurt out, "Hey, hehe, is this hair mine or co-worker's [insert noises that roughly translate to 'haha..j/k..sorta kinda']?"
He laughed (she and I know each other and get along great) and said: "Now you know she's not worthy of my p**^%" [I can't believe he even said that]. Caught himself. Said, "Not worthy of my sweet gentle love making.." Yeah, I know,
The thing is, the reason he caught himself and changed the wording is because he SAW me catch MYSELF before blurting out, "OH! Like (OW) WAS?!?!?!" Now, luckily he didn't know WHAT I almost said. But this is how bad my filters work and how obvious I am WHEN I catch myself. He changed his wording because he was only thinking about me and thought the look on my face was because of his rather crass comment.
I did well. But I still need to not even joke about that stuff in the first place. In RARE circumstances we can still laugh about some of the "crazy" stuff we did in the past few years but it's too much. too soon. and not particularly funny.
I think it's because of insecurity. A rather obvious bid for reassurance. A little underhanded warning that this can NOT happen again.
It's also immensely unattractive and I'm sure I've turned off every male in the vicinity. But today, not my husband, because today, I filtered some of it.
Anyone with ideas how to get better at this, I'd love to hear them. I'm on the Recognize-Try-messup-recognize-Forgivemyself-Tryharder plan.
OK, that was the dude on the Guiness commercials and so not-southern belle... but seriously, that's just inspirational.
It resonates.
Not only are you truly gifted with the ability to read people, listen, and validate [did you just "DB" me?], you also consistently find unique solutions for each person you post to.
Plus you make me think.
I can have fun with this.
I continue to be amazed at the wit, wisdom, and caring I have encountered on this site. Thanks for listening.
Well, when you come from New York and you live in Louisiana for 25 years, you have to learn to suck on butter sometimes for fear of driving people away.
Well, when you come from New York and you live in Louisiana for 25 years, you have to learn to suck on butter sometimes for fear of driving people away.
Sara!
Duexlie, I find myself making those comments, too. So does my H. I think we do it as subconscious stress/anger relievers? I made a comment the other night that I didn't really mean as anything and my H said, 'you like to get those jabs in, don't you?' I was shocked. I truly didn't mean anything by what I said, but that's how he took it. I apologized.
Sometimes we use humor to defuse certain situations. I think it's a natural thing to do. I try to think twice, or three times before opening my mouth and regretting whatever comes out of it!
I think it's because of insecurity. A rather obvious bid for reassurance. A little underhanded warning that this can NOT happen again.
I think you hit the nail on the head here...I find myself doing this same thing too. You're doing just what you can/should do: catching yourself and biting your tongue. No other way around it, beyond Sara's lovely suggestion.
Wow Sara, 25 years in Louisiana after living in New York! If you could make that transition I can make one from Vanilla New England and Motown... it's gonna take some work though.
We went crabbin' yesterday, drank beer and caught a playoff game at the tavern on the way home... eek. I've got to start sipping that sweet tea and wearing sun hats after that!
This morning I just made biscuits from scratch (instead of the pillsbury refrigerated ones I usually throw in) for the first time in at least 2 years. I even went to the store and bought grits. The transformation begins.......
I'm not giving up the crazy painted shrimp/festival boots though!
Joie- I WISH my H would point out the (perceived) jabs (and I suppose the obvious ones) instead of just silently taking them in. We're working on the communication thing though.
Aud- so great to read you again lately. Gotta catch up but I noticed you and LiN were journaling a bit.
I'm considering re-wording a scathing message I want to send to my SIL into a "buttery" rendition. I've been biting my tongue (yay me) for about 3 weeks now and I just hate the taste, ya know?
I'm curious. Where in La are you? I lived in Lafayette, New Orleans, and Mandeville before moving to Tampa. Can't ever get that mud out of your toes though! There is something about New Orleans that keeps pulling me back. And my daughter is at Tulane, so I visit several times a year.
Yes, I admired my friends with the southern belle upbringing. They had a special way of putting things that was less direct than my NY style, but on target nonetheless. Always made me feel like a bull in a chinashop socially. Stll, I value my NY wit. Sometimes I can pop out with just the perfect jab!
Don't know if you have considered Retrouvaille, http://www.helpourmarrriage.org for your sitch, but it was one of the greatest weekends of our lives. Taught us all about effective communication. Can't imagine getting so out of touch with each other again. It's like learning to swim. Such a simple thing, but if you don't know it, things can be so hard!
