I agree with Karen, ".....he made our situation worse in his mind back in Dec. when his pa started. He says b/c he was under stress, but I think it also helped him justify the pa."
It seems to be a common denominator in affairs to reach for all that would justify having it, & therefore it's pointless to defend yourself on any of the issues. In fact, I think it might have the effect of him digging his heels in & taking the focus off the real issue.
I just sent a link to your personal e-mail geared for the OW, but so helpful on seeing the big picture for all involved in the triangle.
I think you can show very strong & deliberate in other ways w/out responding to his statements. Sitting it out is the way to go I think.
So y'all think that the best thing to do is just let slide that latest business about what H "knows" matters to me...
I can see the value in this; however it really bothers me that my silence will lead H to feel validated on this absolutely absurd idea...although my experience has been that if/when I have protested what he 'knows', he discounts my words...
I just wonder about the possibility of a 180 in regards to the way I respond to his litany of woes...I have always been the compliant one in this R, the one who really never blows up; just stuffs it all down inside, or every so often would come off as pathetic trying to defend myself against H's allegations (almost entirely in the long pre-DB years).
Of course, we are also getting so close to several big events... S18s graduation from highschool (my family's coming...) and then the following week, our big trip to Europe...
Maybe more reason to lay low for the time being...
I know how it feels when a date is "looming" out there, but act as if this is all going to work out ok. It sounds as if you are consumed with the e-mail bit, you need to let it go. focus on doing something positive. Have you worked on things that you want to improve about you for you? GAL. Your H will notice plus it will give you amuch better outlook. I know he hasn't admitted A yet, so alot of what is writing to OW might just be to pacify her. kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Thanks for stopping by...some good food for thought. Am suddenly exhausted, so no time for reply right now. BUt you've got me thinking... will call it a night now, but more in the morning.
So y'all think that the best thing to do is just let slide that latest business about what H "knows" matters to me...
I can see the value in this; however it really bothers me that my silence will lead H to feel validated on this absolutely absurd idea...although my experience has been that if/when I have protested what he 'knows', he discounts my words...
Well, I think it's a matter of choosing your battles maybe? I mean, like you say when you defend yourself then he discounts your words. Plus I think sometimes our WAS just pick fights to justify their affairs so falling into that will just help them. I don't know that not choosing to argue means that you agree with them, more that you think it's a waste of time probably. I don't think doing so helps in any way, so what's the point? I wouldn't say you agree or your H is right or anything. I think when they are in that kind of mindset they believe what they want to believe, which tends to be unflattering stuff about us!
But I do think where I have been wrong at least is not in standing up for the important stuff: like when my H yelled at me or called me names or anything like that which was abusive. I think letting him get away with that was wrong and led him to lose respect for me and I def. lost respect for myself as well. Now I ask him to leave the house when he yells, and if he doesn't I leave. I don't know why I put up with that for so long!!! Karen
Thanks for checking in on me...I'm still here, been keeping up with all of you, just kind of busy, and having a hard time putting thoughts down. Will try to catch y'all up soon... things seem to be picking up pace here...
Although I feel like I'm on this site a lot, I surprise myself with how infrequently I post to my own thread. Doing more lurking than anything these days, I guess, just not a lot of energy to do more.
I feel like I'm in the beginning of the end phase of all of this...my family (mom, dad and sister) arrived in town tonight for S18s high school graduation this weekend. Fortunately, for a number of reasons, they are staying in a hotel nearby...less stress all around.
I hope this will be a happy weekend for S18...most of my concerns these days about my disintegrating M converge around my boys. They will be facing this on their own (without the comfort and familiarity of each other) and that really angers me. While I do believe that the 5 years since the end of our original Sep and now has, on balance, been a good thing (us being together as a family even though H has been steadfast about not wanting to work on our R), I now wish H had gone ahead and left a year ago instead of what looks like will be in July (according to exchange with OW...okay, I haven't quit all electronic snooping...)
My goal over the next month is to be as dazzlingly great as I can possibly be!! I'm going to post some pretty specific plans/ideas later this weekend to use as reference, especially while we are on our 'european vacation'....which begins a week from this morning! Yikes...lots to do to get ready...no time to feel blue. And that's a good thing!!
bumping myself... (sounds like a strange dance...)
S18s graduation went well...and I had a great time helping out on their after-grad allnight party (helped out at the Velcro Wall/inflatable game) from 10pm until 3am...so I was waaaay tired yesterday!! Pretty unproductive day, but worth it; and I am so proud of my S18...he's a great kid.
My parents/sister headed back to VA this (or actually yesterday) morning. We had a good visit, I think. THey know nothing specific about the state of my current sitch...so that's a little hard. I have a fairly prickly relationship with them; it's actually something i've started working on in IC.
THe pace will pick up significantly here in the next few days; we leave for Ireland on Friday. Too tired right now (just one of those 'can't get back to sleep nights...") to post more, but am going to be looking for some advice on how to proceed once we return, and H sets his 'plan' in motion...which has the earmarks of being ever more likely...
Soothing rainstorm right now...time to try to take that sleep back.
Karen