Wading with Water wings - 23 years...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Sara,

Where did I say I was tired of him not following MY advice? I encouraged him to go back and read the CONSENSUS advice, and reconsider it.

Considering where his own instincts have gotten him, and how much he's struggling, I think it's a pretty pragmatic suggestion actually.

Have you even READ his sitch? Because I haven't seen you posting to him, the way the rest of us have been trying to help and who have been here for him.

Puppy

[craig54]

sara, alot of what puppy is saying is good db'ing advice. he is not the only one who is frustrated by cbks action. everyone just wants cbk to have a positive outcome. if he keeps on doing what he is doing he is making it much more difficult to obtain that goal.nobody wants any of the posters to fail. alot of the old timers have sage advice, from many months of going through the process. they have a pretty good idea what works in some cases. of course not all, but maybe a fighting chance.if puppy did not care he would not respond.

[cw68]

CBK, there is truth to the statement "fake it until you make it." So, while you may be acting right now, the goal isn't to act as if you are OK, the goal is to be OK. I think plenty of us to the acting part, it just needs to be more "being" and less acting every day.

[Sara]

I have read CBK's last thread and this one. What I see is someone who is thinking deeply about his problem and trying to find solutions. But he will need to choose his own solutions. He is consulting people here, he is seeing a MC, an IC, talking to friends and talking to a priest. So he is getting plenty of advice. And he is choosing what to do. I see a person who thinks before he acts. But I do not agree with the common advice given on here to constantly hold your tongue -- say nothing, do nothing, act happy.

When I caught my husband cheating I confronted him. I waved cell phone bills in his face. I told the children. My son called OW and told her what our family thought of her affair with my H. And guess what? The affair ended. That day. Then we went to Retrouvaille and learned to communicate. Communication is what holds a marriage together, not silence.

It is 17 months since we reconciled. We are happily married, with an active sex life, and we volunteer to help others at Retrouvaille weekends. We are different people. And we did not become different people by pretending that we were happy when we weren't. We didn't solve our problems by pushing them under the rug. We solved our problems by taking a direct approach. Maybe it's not for everybody. But don't tell people it can't work. It can.

I've been on this site for a year, and I have seen many people DB their hearts out only to end up divorced. I'm not saying it can't work. I'm just saying there's no guarantee that it will work. So the LBS needs to make his own choices about what he wants to do in his sitch. Because in the end, he has to live with the results. So he should be able to say, "I did what I thought was right."

And I don't see anywhere that CBK is not taking responsibility for his choices. So I think all the criticism of him is over the top.

[Sara]

But that is all beside the point. My original point was that CBK posts here and enjoys talking to the people here. I did not like Puppy Dog Tails idea that he should not post here for a few days and think about what everyone else has written. CBK has every right to post whenever he chooses. And I stand by what I said. If Puppy does not want to have further conversations with CBK for a few days, then it is up to him to not read this thread. I will talk to CBK in his absence.

[CBK]

Thanks all - a lot of good advice in all ways. It has been 8 weeks since the bomb was dropped on me - from what I can tell from almost all posters, you all had hard times listening and acting on advice. I have really been trying to weigh everything I have been told. Have I made good decisions, probably not, were they impulsive, yes, some were as they were eating me up. Some of you said man up and tell family about he A, others said don't do - Are my emotions in overdrive, yea, would be lying to you if I said they were not. Have I pushed W away, possibly, is there hope, who knows. As for the letter, that was very situational, I was very much okay with the letter, the end product was about 1/2 as long and really talked about me, not about her. This was something my IC and I talked about. Was I planning to send that day? No, but even knowing the info, I had to do what was right at the time.

The hardest thing I have had a hard time doing is detaching from WAW. Today has been a great day for me. As I said in an earlier post, did I feel those things today, yes, did I act on them, no. It is impossible to just stop the feelings and emotions - even if it is was 3 years or 26 years, it is tough.

So for tonight, we were at the same dinner tonight - she was the one that was that felt uncomfortable, not me tonight - I felt good the entire night. Said goodbye to all of our friends and left and got home. Was there some "faking it until I make it" possibly. The only thing I noticed about tonight was that I was quieter than usual because WAW said my ego was "too big" - but by the end of the night, I was getting more comfortable in figuring out just being around friends in this type of sitch.

I will go back and re-read all the posts for the last few weeks.


The area where I wish I would have followed the advice the most is stop snooping as that was one of my biggest downfalls. What this did was gave me too much information to act on - I was in panic mode and probably got worse every time I read something. That in itself lead to my constant backsliding and lack of detachment.

I am not sure what I am missing today - I was strong today, felt good about where I am - in many ways, this was a good thing. If this leads to D papers, well, I will be okay. My WAW left our M a long time ago, I just didn't know it. I am making changes, even W has acknowledged them, so I know I am doing some things right. I am not whining or complaining or trying to be obnoxious by not listening, I actually hear a lot - I have not acted on a lot, but today, have made more progress in one day than I have in 3 weeks.

Again, thanks all.

CBK

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Sara,

I was not telling CBK not to post. Just to take a mere two days to read back on all the advice he's been given, to see if anything makes sense in the calm of day. These boards can be addicting, and others have found the need from time to time to take a break. CBK is, of course, free to take that advice or not, like he is of ANY of our advice, at any time.

I'm still not so sure what you're all worked up about here, or why you're attacking me.

Now, as far as this:

But I do not agree with the common advice given on here to constantly hold your tongue -- say nothing, do nothing, act happy.

When I caught my husband cheating I confronted him. I waved cell phone bills in his face. I told the children. My son called OW and told her what our family thought of her affair with my H. And guess what? The affair ended. That day. Then we went to Retrouvaille and learned to communicate. Communication is what holds a marriage together, not silence.

It is 17 months since we reconciled. We are happily married, with an active sex life, and we volunteer to help others at Retrouvaille weekends. We are different people. And we did not become different people by pretending that we were happy when we weren't. We didn't solve our problems by pushing them under the rug. We solved our problems by taking a direct approach. Maybe it's not for everybody. But don't tell people it can't work. It can.

Now yer talkin'!!!

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I have read CBK's last thread and this one. What I see is someone who is thinking deeply about his problem and trying to find solutions. But he will need to choose his own solutions. He is consulting people here, he is seeing a MC, an IC, talking to friends and talking to a priest. So he is getting plenty of advice. And he is choosing what to do.

Sara (and CBK),

I think what a lot of us (not just me) who have been communicating regularly with CBK are seeing in him is he seeks advice, considers it, very often even vocalizes what he KNOWS he should (or shouldn't) do . . . and then he does it anyway. It's not so much he has disagreed with the advice, rather it's a sense of:

"Should I touch the hot stove?"

"No!!!!"

"I know I shouldn't, but maybe it would help me determine the real temperature of the burners."

"No, don't do it -- it will make it worse!"

"OK, I hear you, and I know I shouldn't, but maybe if I just do it once, I will know what I'm dealing with and the stove will know that I'm serious about knowing what its temperature is."

"Please, CBK, you'll only burn your hand!"

"I know you're all saying I shouldn't touch the stove, and I hear you. But last nite, I backslid and I touched the stove again, and this is why . . . "

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

It's not that we don't respect CBK's instincts, and we DAMNED sure respect his EFFORT. He's working his azz off. It's that he's not following his instincts, even when he knows (and vocalizes) that he should.

Puppy

[sgctxok]

My WAW left our M a long time ago, I just didn't know it. I am making changes, even W has acknowledged them, so I know I am doing some things right. I am not whining or complaining or trying to be obnoxious by not listening, I actually hear a lot - I have not acted on a lot, but today, have made more progress in one day than I have in 3 weeks.


CBK---I see your progress.



Way back when I first came to this board, I was advised to go pitch black...I was out of control. I was able to eventually do it. 9 weeks. Pitch black is definitely 'detached'. But I didn't 'feel' it. I was crazy for at least the first half of that time. It took until I initiated contact, and it 'worked' ..... for me to 'feel' detached. After that 'success' I really was able to use lots of other DB techniques and be able to carry them through. Not 100%, but way better.



My bottom line is.....you're doing a pretty good job, just keep plugging away. You will gain momentum. (I'm not advising you to go pitch black.)

[sgctxok]

But I do not agree with the common advice given on here to constantly hold your tongue -- say nothing, do nothing, act happy.

When I caught my husband cheating I confronted him. I waved cell phone bills in his face. I told the children. My son called OW and told her what our family thought of her affair with my H. And guess what? The affair ended. That day. Then we went to Retrouvaille and learned to communicate. Communication is what holds a marriage together, not silence.

It is 17 months since we reconciled. We are happily married, with an active sex life, and we volunteer to help others at Retrouvaille weekends. We are different people. And we did not become different people by pretending that we were happy when we weren't. We didn't solve our problems by pushing them under the rug. We solved our problems by taking a direct approach. Maybe it's not for everybody. But don't tell people it can't work. It can.

It definitely works for a lot of people. It also blows up for a lot of people. Not for the faint of heart.