Papers signed...so what?

[JenInVen]

Ok so I agreed to sign papers to begin the D process. I don't know how long I have before the D is finalized. I figure I have 2 options. I can either give up and let the D take its course or I can have a more positive attitude than I have ever had and fight like hell to the end.

I choose to fight. Sometimes is good to be a hard headed Aries.

Jen

[Starshyne]

Good for you for fighting! I have read on here people say, "they are just papers...keeping working on things." Even if the divorce happens, at least you can look at yourself and know that you did everything you could. Hang in there. Many divorces have stopped before the final paper was signed.

Sara

[JenInVen]

Hi Sara! I've been reading your thread. I think you did the right thing.

I think that there were times over the past few months where I could have done better but I learned a lot during this sitch and I know that I can and will do the right thing.

Jen

[JenInVen]

**Warning** Longest thread ever by me.

I left off on my other thread saying that I had an interesting convo with H today. Here's what happened... It started out somewhat negative because I sort of freaked out early inthe afternoon. He came and got D because he said I wasn't setting a good example for her the last thing she needs is a depressed Mom. So we later talked over the phone after i calmed down and he agreed to bring her back. They arrived and we decided to take her to the park.

At the park we sat on a bench while D played with some kids she knew. H and I started talking about us yet again. He was saying that he's an open book and the only thing he's ever done is had a short lived EA with a student/friend. I belive him and know him enough to know when he's honest. He told me that when we got married he really believed that I would be the one to grow old with him. That he promised me and God a lot and that is why he feels so awful for whats happened to us. I was very sad while we talked. He always tells me that he doesn't want me to be sad or for us to be depressed. He reached out for me and we hugged and held each other. Then he told me numerous times that he loved me and felt a lot of love for me. We kissed (not quite on the mouth) and both cried. We kept holding each other for the longest time while we talked about our life together. He is very sad about the need to leave and told me that we would be ok. He said that we had a beautiful connection and that would never change but we needed for her to see us happy.

H told me that I need to just get a hold of my life and learn from my and our mistakes. That life is too short to let this stop me. He's right. One of the main priciples of DB is to GAL and that's something I haven't done well with.

He said that nobody knows what the future holds and anything could happen. I told him not to close the door on us and he said he was really scared to ever give it another try. The last time I told him that he said he couldn't. But at the very beginning he said he didn't want to. I guess his responses are getting better.

The convo had a lot of positives and not many negatives. The biggest negative is he said he's been on a couple of dates. He said however that they've been more like simply doing something with someone. He said he's not interested in getting into anything because after this mess he doesn't need another!

So that's how my day went. I'm going to take the positives and keep fighting and standing for my M. I'm going to ignore the negatives. I'm going to move on and GAL. Also I need to work on my attitude. So as I said at the end of my last thread...New thread new attitude

[cw68]

Wow, that is long for you! Loved it.

I think I've had a similar conversation with my H. He is making progress in ways, so what you are doing is working. Most important, though, is that what you are doing is working for you. The more it works for you, the more it works for your D and your R.

Keep fighting for what you believe in. You can't ever go wrong if that's what you do, regardless of where you find yourself down the line.

(((jen)))

[TwinDad]

Jen,

Good post. I don't understand some of these spouses. They seem to be so upset over leaving there marriage, yet they want to do it anyways. If all the energy they put into getting upset was put into working on it then the world would be a better place.

I think you are doing the right thing by fightig for your marriage. GAL seems like a good place to start, though I have to agree with you, it is very difficult

[TwinDad]

Jen,

Good post. I don't understand some of these spouses. They seem to be so upset over leaving there marriage, yet they want to do it anyways. If all the energy they put into getting upset was put into working on it then the world would be a better place.

I think you are doing the right thing by fightig for your marriage. GAL seems like a good place to start, though I have to agree with you, it is very difficult

[LolaL]

Hi Jen was reading your post. You know, my H started out the same way. I dont love you, I dont want to be with you anymore. I was in the same position. Depressed, crying, Heck lets face it sometimes I still do.

You are doing the right thing. I had a friend of mine tell me recently one of the reasons the divorce rate is so high is because people walk away without fighting. They just figure they can pick up and move on. FIGHT GIRL FIGHT!!

The fact that your H said there may still be a door open for you in the future is most excellent. As for GAL, you would be surprised how much that helps. I know at forst, I didn' twant to because I wanted him to see how hurt I was. Now that I have, I hear from him more.

{{{{Jen}}}} you are doing great!!! Lola

[kml]

Jen -
Big clues here, I think. He needs to see you NOT DEPRESSED!

I know, it seems ridiculous to expect the LBS not to be depressed. Yet the WAS (who usually is suffering from depression themselves) cannot bear to come home to a sad LBS. They're MUCH more likely to be attracted to the LBS who is happy, upbeat, and having a heck of a good time in life. Especially if they start to worry that some new man will take their place.

So - this is a time to "fake it 'til you make it". Be cheery and happy when he sees you. Put on some upbeat music around the house when you know he's coming over. (Heck, I used to "stage" the house like a fancy store - lighting, music, smells - and would be dancing in the kitchen making dinner when my H came home at night. Tom Petty's Greatest Hits was my theme music.)

Do some 180s. Take up some new interests - ones that would surprise your H. Get busy going out with friends - make new ones if you need to.

Ask yourself, which is better - for H to see you as a apthetic depressed woman who will always carry a torch for him, or as a vibrant, surprising, fascinating NEW woman that he would like to get to know better????

You can do this. He's given you all the clues. Make a game plan.

Ellie

[addie]

Jen, fabulous convo with H!!!

Don't give up on your M. He's not closing the door yet. GAL - H needs to see that you'll make it without him. Try to be upbeat around him. Work on all the things Ellie suggested above. You CAN do it!