Trying Hard to Detach

[Eagle 2]

Update:

The kid event went well and I stuck to my plan of not sitting with the W. She made it easy in missing more than half the event chatting on her cell in the car. I interacted with other parents and actually had a good time.

I avoided her as much as possible at home and even avoided a D/R conversation at home that she tried to start at least twice. I helped the kids with homework and then went to bed. The anger level is still high but I am not seeing it because I am always "in the other room" physically, mentally or both.

The W usually forces some sort of issue on me mid-week on the D/R front. Tonight will be a challenge.

[addie]

Eagle, I hope tonight went well. You are handling things very well given the circumstances with W's anger. Try to stay out of her way as much as possible.
Are you doing any "fun" things for yourself on a regular basis?

[Eagle 2]

Thanks Addie.

Last night went well. I took the kids out for GAL type stuff and was asked to pick up something by the W (which I did) even got a Thank You. She was almost human last night and even called me honey and dear... Weird. I escaped to bed early and avoided any D/R talks. She is still fuming at times but seems to be leveling off.

I avoided her as much as possible and was very calm when we did speak - even validated a little. The anger seems to stem from the fact that the D has turned out to be:
1. Harder to get done than she planned.
2. More expensive than she planned,
3. Taking longer than she planned.
4. Having more impact on the kids than she planned.
5. Will not result in the settlement (custody/$$/etc) that she planned.
I find it hard to really develop any friendship when she is so angry about the D process. It seems best just to keep my distance and hope for calmer seas. I have a coaching session today and hopefully I can get guidance. My Pastor thinks that this is good because the anger shows that she is seeing the reality of the D and that it is not going to be a good situation for her post D. He thinks that she may come back based on that realization. I dont think it will be that easy. Her pride and her cheerleaders wont let that happen.

Does anyone have input on how I get the anger over the D process to go away?

[Eagle 2]

Update:

I met several baby step goals, had a very good conversation or two and even made the W laugh a couple times. There was validation, GAL on my part and me being a great Dad in front of the W. Just about a perfect day. I am going to really concentrate on keeping this up and the anger down. We should not have any more legal bombs for a while and maybe the DBing will take effect. We keep making progress and then the D process takes us back to step one.

We will see how today goes.

[addie]

Sounds like you had a good day and even the previous evening seems to have gone better. Keep DBing - your W needs to see that the positive changes you have made are permanent and not just a ploy to get her back. Hopefully there won't be any more legal bombs to set her off.

[Eagle 2]

Thanks Addie. You are a blessing and really make me feel like I am not alone.

The Coaching session went well. She really stressed the GAL items that I have been doing, being fun and upbeat and becoming a more attractive option. If I could only get my W back - not the alien that I see every night - and actually talk to her. I know that D/R conversations are bad but I have this fantasy about how "we" used to interact. I see brief glimpses at times. My next major goal is for us to do something together - just us. Dinner, a Movie, Something.

I have been doing alot for myself. I know that I will be ok post D and actually thrive in some ways. I just don't want it - it is such a waste and I love my W and Kids.

Many communications with the W today. Started serious but now very lighthearted and playful. All were answers on my part. Just like yesterday. I want to be her best friend. That is my thought right now. Her detached, secure, confident, funny, attractive best friend.

[addie]

I want to be her best friend. That is my thought right now. Her detached, secure, confident, funny, attractive best friend.

This is exactly what you need to do. But don't have any expectations of W right now, especially in light of the fact that she's been so angry lately. She may continue to flip flop back and forth for some time.

My next major goal is for us to do something together - just us. Dinner, a Movie, Something.

I would suggest to hold off on this goal. Wait until the friendship stage has been consistent for an extended period of time and maybe start with you and W enjoying things together with the kids outside of the home first and then move on to just the two of you.

[Eagle 2]

Addie,

As always you are right.
After 4 emails, 3 phone calls and a tm (all from her), the W invited me to dinner with her and my son. We had a good time laughed and she talked about work, her family, her stress with keeping up, etc. I validated and listened and ate. I made the son feel special. She almost seemed to be flirting with me. She then went "shopping" for shoes.....

We had a kid issue today that she called for my backup/advice on. I told her that I trust her judgement, she's a great mom, threw out an idea or 2 and supported her call. I even thanked her for the opportunity to have input. She seemed very relaxed and happy afterward.

Hope this keeps up....

[Eagle 2]

Update:

All was going so well. Went to IC this morning and pet was sick all over the place. Cleaned what I could, told W and went to IC. IC thinks W is Bipolar. Thinks I can do better. No help there. Come home to WW3, W is again furious over D paperwork, pet getting sick, kids, life, me being still breathing, etc. Screaming, Yelling.... She leaves I totally clean up pet mess and to 4-5 chores around house then take the kids out 4 several hours.

I come home to Ozzie and Harriet, she makes dinner, is all happy, says thanks for helping and has taken some of the pins out of my voodoo doll likeness. WTF. I never got upset, happy, whatever. I did cry in the bathroom for 30 minutes today thinking about my sitch.

This is so nuts. I never know whether she is going to kill me or kiss me. Is this normal? Yikes.

Now everything is happy and she went out with her GF to movies.

Well see if I survive the night.

[Starshyne]

Wow Eagle that mood swing must be very difficult to handle. She must have had some time when you left to think about things and realize that you can't control many of these issues (the pet getting sick, her life...etc. I guess you can only control your breathing. ).

I hope you don't plan on going back to the IC. You don't need someone who
"thinks you can do better." You need someone who is going to help you with the feelings you have and to be a better you while understanding that you are wanting to save your marriage.

Hang in there....I will be praying for you.

Sara