OMG, CBK.....you are still doing it! You are still clinging to her even though she is out of the house....you can't detach from the thoughts of her. You are going back over everything in your head, all over again....for what? What good does that do? So...you didn't take our advice and you butted with your own head, well, so much for that...right? Will you listen to us now when we tell you to stop this blame game and guilt trips and feeling sorry for yourself? Will you pick yourself up out of the dirt and brush yourself off and get on with your life or will you continue to do as you've done since the bomb hit?
Sure you felt some peace at first when she moved out.....every couple does when they have been under so much stress. It's called "temporay relief". It is like a balloon that finally bursts after trying to hold too much air. However, knowing you, and from what you have already said, this feeling of "peace" will be short lived according to what you have already posted.
Quote:
Coming back from the gym, I was dying to drive by to make sure she was okay and say we need to set up some boundaries if we are just going to get along, but I remembered what you all said - give her the space, don't contact, let her figure out what needs figuring out.
The boundaries and space and all of that was when she was under the same roof as you! Now she isn't, so it's a whole new ballgame.
If you do go by her mother's house to talk R....so help me I am going to reach through this darn computer and strangle you! Can't you get it through your thick skull that she left b/c you could not detach? Now that she is at her Mother's (not the OM's, btw) you are still wanting to go by and talk it out???
Oh yeah, you repeat the words we've all said to you, but you won't do it, CBK! You need to move off to an island where no contact is possible until you get you head on straight! Then you probably would drown trying to swim back to her to have one last R talk!
Yes, I'm angry at you b/c you need to man-up! Why would she want to go back to you? You are just making her OM look that much better every day. He's even beginning to look better to me and I haven't a clue about him only that right now he is more attractive than you are. So, what are you going to do about it? Keep feeling sorry for yourself, keep trying to spy on her (no matter what you may call it....driving by, my a$$), and keep pushing until you loose the respect of your kids too? Is that what you want?
I don't know any more to tell you b/c I have tried to tell you what a WAW feels like. She wants her freedom as much as she needs to breathe and do you give it to her? No, you smother her until she has to move out of the house to get air. I told you to back off and give her space. You thought you were, but you weren't. Going two or three days without a R talk is not backing off. That is not self-discipline....it's just saving up spit.
So, you just keep it up friend and the next thing--you will be served with divorce papers. Then what will you do? Start making goals on the calendar as to when you hope to have her back again? Let her go, CBK. Give her freedom. I mean, shut it down now! I am typing this keyboard so hard trying to make you hear me b/c this is your last chance to get her back before she goes off with OM forever. You had better "get it" this time or you can burry yourself in "drinks" every night from now on, but you won't have your wife. You will just turn into a drunk. It is time to stop talking the talk and start walking the walk.....like a man!
Finally...a voice of reason..CBK-Sandi has been trying to tell you..I have broken enough 2x4's over your head to kill a normal man..you're gonna keep on brother and she will be gone..D paers and she will be with that other dude..keep doing what you're doing..
SHE WILL CONTINUE TO SEE MORE OF THE SAME, UNTIL YOU TRULY CHANGE.
You have an opportunity to think about yourself, change yourself for the better...and you're thinking of going to her mom's to see her??? you were both angry last night, think you might get angry again if you talk to her and she spits her venom...hell you could end up in jail if you both get angry...
I bet she's so pissed at you right now she might just do anything..
Hey guys, I was journaling - did I think those things, absolutely, maybe I shouldn't type them any more... I didn't go over - I was just stating what was going through my head. I keep reading the post saying that I am doing it all over again - this is what my day was like:
Got up, went to gym, had a great workout, thought about, but didn't act on anything, was very much okay and in control. Journaled a bit and posted some thoughts for others and went to rodeo with D21 - never even thought about WAW, just had a great time. Just got home, WAW is here gathering some stuff. I was upbeat, asked what time she was going tonight and said I would see her there. No big deal. I do feel as if I am detaching, am I going to have some thoughts every know and then, I would imagine so.
Help me, what did I do that was wrong - was it the thought? I actually learned the lesson - there was no way in heck I was going over there or even driving by. What she does on her time is up to her. Is it because I said I started to feel guilty because of the sitch? Those were temporary thoughts were in my mind, after I posted, they were gone.
She just left and yelled up the stairs that she is leaving and - I said see you tonight.
She has her freedom, she can do what she wants - that is what I did all day today, did what I wanted, thought about her briefly, sure thing, I am not going to lie about it. Do I feel sorry for myself, not one bit right now. Sorry if my post was in the moment - stream of consciousness type of post.
Tonight, we are going to the dinner seperately - so what, I am going to dress nice, look sharp and not worry about her. I am going to be with friends that have been good to me during this and will go have fun.
Is WAW pissed at me, probably. I have no choice to treat like water of ducks back. I have no desire to get into a convo about anything right now. Again, help me out, what am I missing that is so obvious to others. I honestly feel a weight lifted last night, I have been in a PMA for all but about 30 minutes today.
Please keep checking on my, keep telling me where I am faltering. I actually felt pretty good today, even right now. I need the 2x4's and hopefully you will see different types of posts from me.
CBK
Last edited by CBK; 05/18/0812:40 AM.
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
CBK, the reason we see it as the same CBK is because you have not been able to get her off of your mind at all. Don't give in to her, the best thing you can do is forget about her right now, I know that sounds harsh and hard to do but this is a must for you, she left because she needed space which you were unable to give her, she has to work this out herself, nothing you say or do will bring her back, this is her problem, get off the rollercoaster ride and live for yourself and your kids, maybe once she sees you no longer need her, she may realize what she is losing and will have a change of heart, but you have to be the one that does this. Do not email, text or call her. Let her be.
Thanks Ping - this is what I am doing - I will not contact her. If she is in the house or calls me, I will respond. Maybe I am being a bit naive, I will get her off my mind.
Fears - quicksand - why? If anybody ever watched the bad movie The Replacements...
Quicksand - that is what I am afraid of. The more you strugle, the more it binds you, you keep doing the same thing and it eventually consumes you. There is nothing you can do but let it take you down. I am stepping out of the quicksand - no more backslides - you have heard this, but I am not pursuing her, emailing, texting, calling, nothing. I will continue to work on CBK.
Keep throwing stuff my way.
CBK
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
Right with you - I have no problem with this. No acting - because I honestly feel that I am going to be okay with or without her. Do I have my preferences, sure.
Today was a great day, last night was a good night. I will work on the thoughts, but they are few and far between.
I will let you all know how it goes later tonight.
CBK
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
I think the best thing you could possibly do at this point is stop posting for a couple of days, and just READ everything that everyone has posted to you thus far, as well as reading your own posts with as unbiased an eye as you possibly can.
You have been given BOATLOADS of wisdom in the past month. You have LISTENED, but have you HEARD??? How much of it have you ACTED on?? Just the one simple thing like The Letter, I mean for god's sakes, man, EVERYONE was in agreement -- DON'T SEND IT!!! There have been a couple of other issues, too, where there has been, I don't think not ONE IOTA of disagreement between all these goodwilled and smart people here.
And yet you just couldn't help yourself.
Take the break, man. Just READ, and instrospect. Then come back and tell us if you see things any differently. This time away from your wife may be the gift from God that you've needed. Read I Corinthians 10:13 -- you have your "way of escape that you may be able to bear it" now.
This forum is for advice from non-professionals. Advice is freely given. Some of it is great, some is good, and some is not so good. But either way, it is up to the poster to choose what he wants to do in his situation. If you are tired of CBK not following your advice, you are free to stop reading his thread. However, there is no reason that he should not be able to post and journal his thoughts, actions and feelings and ask for opinions at a time when he is in turmoil. It is still his life. No one knows how to deal with it better than he does. He got this far with his wife. He must have done something right in the past. And he will find a way to muddle through. Worse comes to worst, she will continue on the path she is on. There is no evidence that anything HE does will change that.
