I am glad you got all these people on your side here. I can't really think of anything to add. I am glad you finally decided to take the hard way and let us more in your life and sitch.
Sometimes we think things over alone and we get stuck to the same conclusions. When we share with others we get to see other options exist.
The picture I get from everything you say is that you both at a point gave up on your R. And it seems she can take it longer than you can. You are fed up with this state but she seems to be able to continue for longer. For whatever reasons (kids etc) you accepted the terms of the R and now you can't be living like this anymore. She may have set a time limit (when school finishes, when kids are grown up) and come to you with a decision which she has made years ago. I can't believe she wants to stay like this forever.
What you are doing now, should aim to first make her think. I insist that you try different approaches to things that you would like to be different, express what you want even if you believe you will get a negative answer.
