Torn between hope and anger

[SirPrizeMe]

Yes, you should let go.
He is what he is. Part of who he is, is your sons' father.
They will see him for who he is. I don't advise trying to keep your kids from their father. They are too young. If I were you I would encourage a relationship there. They need a father, even a broken one.

I am totally down with you on interrupting the pattern. Maybe in a year or two you can have a heart-to-heart with the boys, Have a cold look at what their great-grandfather did, their grandfather, their father - and the impact it had. Not to blame anyone, just to have a look and ask - was the outcome good? And then, basically, challenge them and say, it is up to them.

It's just woulda-coulda thinking to say "I wish H's parents had sat down with us when we were getting married.... H couldn't have used the excuses he did to cheat on me all those years." A conversation with H's parents would not have stopped his rationalization. I had the conversation you described - My wife and I had that conversation with the priest who married us. I said I would not get divorced, period. She agreed. We talked about the hard times that would most certainly come. We didn't know what they would be, but we knew they'd come. We agreed we would see each other through.

When I recalled this conversation to her a couple months ago, she said "I didn't know it would be like THIS." Their power to rationalize and excuse knows no bounds.