It's all so insidious. A letter from OM....where did it go to, by the way? And now you are in a funk, down, questioning, comparing H to him. So yeah, the rule is no contact for a reason. this is the reason, it gets you mooning over the guy all over again. Just what he hoped to accomplish.
And H. Yesterday he was so wonderful, today, not so much. Yesterday he said the "right" thing, and you were joyful. Today he said the "wrong" thing, and you went down like a lead balloon. Is it going to keep being that way? Will you bounce up and down on his every word?
You need to accept that you are moody. You get down. It's not everybody else's fault, and it's not your fault. It is human nature. It is part of life. If there are no hills, there are no valleys. Up and down, you will have both kind of days. When you reach menopause, you will find yourself less moody. You'll realize that it was all hormonal. All these mood swings that seem so important, that we attach meanings to, just body chemistry.
So what do you do while you wait for the low mood to pass? Your choice. Everything, except daydream about OM, is on the table. You can write poetry. You can sing, or dance, or play with your child in the sunshine (good idea), work out at the gym, cook a souffle. Whatever, the point is to keep moving forward.
You say you want another child. Have you and H discussed this? Seems like a good topic to work on.
Jeff- Thank you for your words. They were the most helpful to me. You are right. Life is not fair always. God has a plan. I will be fine. You will be happy to know that I took your advice before about the Mother's Day gift and didn't make him try to guess what I want, etc. I told him, and he picked out the most beautiful gift. We talked about the future and how I would love to get something JUST from him that HE wanted to give me. Anything from his heart. I must feel love with "gifts" (one of the five love languages). He seemed to appreciate me just telling him. I'll keep taking your advice about telling my H what it is that I want from him. I think you are right. I just need to communicate explicitly more that way.
Also, thank you for your commenting on my feelings about having a child. I needed someone to validate that. I needed some compassion.
Yesterday, I just needed someone to listen and understand. Thank you so so much. It was a really bad day.
Sara- The letter got me thinking about the OM for sure. I got rid of the letter at the gas station in town. I do realize that I am at Day 1 again of withdrawing from the "drug" because of it. I do realize that it is probably "fogging out" my thinking again. But, yesterday was just a bad day of thinking. These were all things I felt BEFORE even having an A. They just all came back out yesterday. COuld they be hormonal? Did they come out partially due to the letter? For sure! But they were what they were. You asked if I will bounce up and down on his every word. I was in a low mood before he said he didn't want me to come for lunch, so it wasn't really just his words. His words triggered more feelings of anger and sadness on top of the anger and sadness I was already feeling. I never said it was anyone's fault. I was saying maybe we just are missing something that is impossible to get. Something I felt we never had. It's not even a matter of getting something back. We BOTH can't remember times to fall back on. I think this is something that most people do not feel. Most people, or at least one of the spouses can look back at the beginning of the R and find at least ONE time. It's like he and I skipped the "in love" stage. We just didn't have it. Like I said before, it felt like somewhat of an arranged marriage. Knowing that doesn't change my desire to be happy with him, though. One of the last paragraphs about what to do when feeling moody was helpful. It's almost like the LBS. I need to GAL and NOT think about the OM. My H and I CANNOT plan on having a child right now. We are not on steady ground.
Last night was nice. He worked late. He came home with a flowers (a 180 for him) and we watched a movie together snuggled up. Got another hang up phone call late last night. We let the answering machine get it. We had some R talk. Some tears. We worked through it. This is NOT easy.
Today is a beautiful day out. I am NOT going to be down today. I will force myself to do things...like Sara said, do anything but think about the OM. It's 9 am. Time to get out of the bed and make that happen.
And when I say think of the good times, it doesn't have to be a whole block of time. It can be one nice evening, like last night. How did you feel when he surprised you with flowers? How did you feel watching a movie all snuggled up? Did you have a moment where you both smiled at each other and felt close? Was there a warm hug? These are the images to put in front of your mind's eye.
Do you ever find yourself in days like that? Where you kinda just sit and watch the screen waiting for someone to help you somehow. Maybe I'm just pathetic.
You see this on the board everyday. Thats why we are here. Seeking validation, advise, and friendship. Trying not to feel pathetic for feeling the way we do. Allowing our spouses to make us feel this way.
It's a new day, and I'm gonna enjoy it.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
I got the ILYBINILWY bomb from my W in Oct 2007. As bad as the rollercoaster has been for the past 7 months, things acutally got worse once she decided to give up the OM at the beginning of May. Affair was a complete and total fantasy thing as he lived in another state and my wife is 20+ years older than him.
Sara -- I have to say after looking at a number of your posts is that you hit many things on the head from the woman's point of view.
We've been in MC since Feb. and all I can do is look at our R like someone in AA -- one day at a time. Some days my W seems to have hope, other days she's just about ready to separate.
The OM relationship was just like a drug so I'm certain she's going through withdrawal.
I am just trying to be the best father/husband/man I can be, but she really does put my best efforts to the constant test. The main issue, is that she's no longer sexually attracted to me, says she hasn't been for years, and can't see us ever being intimate again. I look at it as being part of her MLC -- affair, wants to get a horse, a pick-up truck, working out, losing wight, Botox....the list is long.
But she is very headstrong -- and stubborn. Right now I'm feeling hopeless, but one weird thing that keeps happening...just when things seem irrevocably dark, then some positive stuff happens. Just when I think we might be on the verge of a positive breakthrough, she pulls way back.
At least she realized that the OM was a big roadblock to any chance of reconciling our M. But now that the roadblock is out of the way, we can see clearly all the other obstacles that still remain.
LOR
Me-54 W -45 S-9 D-6 M - 10 1/2 years Bomb drop Oct '07 almost separated - Jan '08 MC - Feb. '08
Ok, Sara. I see what you mean about thinking about the good times. I can try to really focus on those things. It's like some of the things he has done in the last 2 weeks are great, but he could do anything right now and they I just don't have the feelings behind it yet (from me). I'm going to go with what the books say about giving it time. It did feel nice to snuggle....nothing fantastic...but it was nice. Maybe nice will turn into fantastic a few months from now.
h4h- advice, validation, and friendship....exactly
Lor- I have the lack of wanting to be intimate with H now too. It used to be the other way around. It hasn't been that long that she stopped with the OM, so like me she may need some time.
Anyone have thoughts on this? the intimacy part of it? I don't like to talk about this, but I could use some people's take on it.
Yesterday was back to pre OM. We ran errands, did chores around the house, I did some work, watched a movie at night, went to bed. I did give H a massage. Didn't want to, but I did it. He really loves massages.
I got the feelings back for my husband at a Retrouvaille weekend, http://www.helpourmarriage.org. And while we did not talk amongst ourselves about our problems, I got the idea a lot of the couples were finding time for sex there. (We were in a location that had twin beds in each room. At breakfast people were complaining about that fact and saying how they solved the problem.)You should look into it. It is an unbelievable program of self-help, not counseling. It is led by other couples who have had trouble in their marriages and solved them through Retrouvaille.
Hmmm...not sure what to say here whatdidido...its all been said.
The no contact policy is there for your protection more than your husbands. If you communicate with OM, even reading a letter he wrote, you are back to day 1 of the process.
The best comparison of an affair I have heard to date is to dieting. Affairs are like binging, and if you cheat on your diet, you are back to square one all over again.
The worst of it is, you will feel guilty for cheating on your diet and feel miserable, which just promotes thoughts of cheating on your diet MORE.
Healthy actions breed healthy actions, but unhealthy actions breed MORE unhealthy actions. You really have to CUT IT OFF ENTIRELY or you will be undoing all the hard work you did.
If you are getting hang ups on your phone and you think it may be the OM, there are telephone services that allow you to block certain numbers or even ANY call that doesn't identify itself.
My home doesn't use an answering machine because this makes the call still invasive. We use a service and can turn off the phone entirely for days if we wanted to.
I think the hang ups on the phone may be bothering him more than you are aware. If I were him they would be inducing panic to some degree. He likley feels violated, his home, his life, his relationship were violated by some horrible man and now this man just has to pick up the phone to hurt your husband.
I honestly don't think your OM is as kind as you are painting him to be, he sounds like he may still be interfering. Some couples actually change their phone number and email addresses so they arnen't harassed anymore.
I know your OM agreed not to interfere, but your husband may feel better knowing you have a new unlisted number.
Thoughts of the OM? Drive them away with the damage he's done. Just imagine how hurt your husband feels, imagine all the tears...the OM did that...how can you have warm thoughts of someone who hurt your husband that much? Your mind won't let the OM in if you keep doing that. You just keep romanticizing the OM too much, he's NOT a figure of romance, the OM in most affairs are home-wreckers, sexual predators, and morally immature.
I don't think anyone on this board is having romantic thoughts of your OM, they lilkey all think the OM is an ass. Join us, you can get there too, just realize what the OM has done and may still be doing to your life, your husband, your SON!
I am sure your husband can pick up on these thoughts on some level, change them to something akin to ours and your husbands. The OM is a home-wrecker,no more than that.
If you find you ARE thinking of the OM...DO SOMETHING...do some dishes, clean up your home, get out of your house and call a friend...get your body doing something that your MIND needs to get involved in so you take your MIND ELSEWHERE.
I am pretty sure thoughts of the OM don't show up when you are busy concentrating on something. So, if the OM shows up in your mind, start DOING something that DRIVES the OM out by necessity. Do something that requires too much of your concentration to allow the OM in. My guess is thoughts of the OM show up when your mind is relaxing a bit and your guard is down...and then the OM sneaks in on you.
Get busy, that's what get a life DOES, it gets your mind on healthy activities and gets your mind AWAY from destructive thoughts. DO IT, and thoughts won't have time to build up.
I would change your phone number too, just to be safe, AND any email addresses you may have or IM names your OM may know of...change all the contact info. You are TRUSTING that the OM will keep away...DONT!!! End the affair by ENDING CONTACT...end contact by making it IMPOSSIBLE for contact to HAPPEN.
Its intersting that you ended the affair, but haven't changed your contact information...at least it sounds like you haven't changed it. Put up the brick wall to the OM and your mind will follow.
