Torn between hope and anger

[lise]

What a wise and wonderful D you have, Treese. What a gift our children are. They bring out the best in me and they are what helps me survive my low moments.

I get most upset about my situation when I think of its effect on my S's (14&16) You know, you just want the best for your kids and it stinks when sh*t happens and you can't do anything about it.

Two years ago when H first left because of OW, it killed me when I realized we would have to tell the boys what was going on. They obviously knew we had been fighting, but when he stood there and told them to their faces that he was in love with another woman, it was the lowest point in my entire life. All I could think about was how this would totally color the rest of their lives and perceptions of what love and relationships are.

At the time, my oldest was 14 and he told me, "Dad should read that article in National Geographic about love and the chemical high you get that doesn't last." I was astonished at his pragmatic perspective. My youngest was 12 and he just cried. Now that H is gone again, S16 is keeping his distance from his dad, and S14 acts like it doesn't bother him at all. In reality, not much has changed in their lives since I'm busting my butt to make sure everything is still flowing as they expect. There is a big gap, though, that everyone tries to ignore.

I wish my boys would talk more about what they are feeling. I don't push it, and they seem fine, but it's got to be confusing to them. S16 refused to go to the counselor that I scheduled for him. I worry about him bottling up his emotions, he's a very empathetic person with a huge heart just waiting to be broken. I never thought his dad would be the one to do it. S14 only put up the slightest resistance to counseling and I think he enjoyed complaining about how his parents have ruined his life. He came out pretty happy that someone had finally listened to him.

Because what H is doing is a repeat of his father and grandfather, I am particularly determined to stop this pattern with my sons' generation. Any ideas? I think that to start with, not ignoring the issues will help. I so wish that H's parents had sat us down when we were getting married and made sure we asked ourselves the right questions and knew what we were committing to. We probably wouldn't have listened but at least H couldn't have used the excuses he did to cheat on me all those years.

H wants the boys to visit him at the end of the month. He thinks I'm trying to make it difficult for him, but all I'm doing is leaving it up to them to decide. I did tell them that they shouldn't feel like it is THEIR responsibility to go to their dad's place. It is HIS responsibility to find ways to be in their lives. Is that the wrong impression to give them? I just feel like they are teenagers now and have their own lives they want to start living. H keeps treating them like little kids and he wants them to see what he is doing and to be proud of him, but it's more for him than them that he wants that. What is there for them to be proud of - he's abandoning his family and leeching off OW. Maybe I am trying to make it difficult for him. Should I let go of thinking that he should be a better dad than he is?