Jeff- Thank you for your words. They were the most helpful to me. You are right. Life is not fair always. God has a plan. I will be fine. You will be happy to know that I took your advice before about the Mother's Day gift and didn't make him try to guess what I want, etc. I told him, and he picked out the most beautiful gift. We talked about the future and how I would love to get something JUST from him that HE wanted to give me. Anything from his heart. I must feel love with "gifts" (one of the five love languages). He seemed to appreciate me just telling him. I'll keep taking your advice about telling my H what it is that I want from him. I think you are right. I just need to communicate explicitly more that way.
Also, thank you for your commenting on my feelings about having a child. I needed someone to validate that. I needed some compassion.
Yesterday, I just needed someone to listen and understand. Thank you so so much. It was a really bad day.
Sara- The letter got me thinking about the OM for sure. I got rid of the letter at the gas station in town. I do realize that I am at Day 1 again of withdrawing from the "drug" because of it. I do realize that it is probably "fogging out" my thinking again. But, yesterday was just a bad day of thinking. These were all things I felt BEFORE even having an A. They just all came back out yesterday. COuld they be hormonal? Did they come out partially due to the letter? For sure! But they were what they were. You asked if I will bounce up and down on his every word. I was in a low mood before he said he didn't want me to come for lunch, so it wasn't really just his words. His words triggered more feelings of anger and sadness on top of the anger and sadness I was already feeling. I never said it was anyone's fault. I was saying maybe we just are missing something that is impossible to get. Something I felt we never had. It's not even a matter of getting something back. We BOTH can't remember times to fall back on. I think this is something that most people do not feel. Most people, or at least one of the spouses can look back at the beginning of the R and find at least ONE time. It's like he and I skipped the "in love" stage. We just didn't have it. Like I said before, it felt like somewhat of an arranged marriage. Knowing that doesn't change my desire to be happy with him, though. One of the last paragraphs about what to do when feeling moody was helpful. It's almost like the LBS. I need to GAL and NOT think about the OM. My H and I CANNOT plan on having a child right now. We are not on steady ground.
Last night was nice. He worked late. He came home with a flowers (a 180 for him) and we watched a movie together snuggled up. Got another hang up phone call late last night. We let the answering machine get it. We had some R talk. Some tears. We worked through it. This is NOT easy.
Today is a beautiful day out. I am NOT going to be down today. I will force myself to do things...like Sara said, do anything but think about the OM. It's 9 am. Time to get out of the bed and make that happen.
