I hear ya Kent. It’s probably me who isn’t getting my point across.
Quoting KentS: I'm not really trying to tell you to change yourself as much as I suggest to change the situation for your benefit. Sounds selfish don't it.
Yeah. It sounds selfish. But that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? I doubt anyone has posted their dissatisfaction with what they were putting into their R. Every thread on this board is about what the poster is missing from their R. Even the “I’ve become strong” posts are a reaction. Why have you become strong? What necessitated the change?
You weren’t getting what you want. Something is missing, and you find ways to compensate.
It may not sound like it, but when the moment is good, I do enjoy it. I’ll admit that sometimes, thoughts of “what was” and “what could have been” spoil it for me. I’ll even admit to obsession. My obsession isn’t constant like it was when I first started posting. But it happens.
Two or three years ago, I started to try to affect things both directly, and later indirectly. I had my ups and downs, but over the long term, things seemed to be going forward.
Things aren’t good, Kent. My latest bout of obsession isn’t about “what was” or “what could have been.” It’s about the future. I’m struggling to figure out what to do if things never change. It’s a possibility I’ve never really contemplated before, but I feel I have to now.
In other words, I’m contemplating ending my marriage.
Quoting KentS: Try to find a little peaceful spot where you can stop thinking so hard. Sounds like you need a break.
You’re right. There’s too much krap going on, and I think it’s time to give myself a break. I’m gonna hafta return to my contemplations, but there’s just too much happening for me to think clearly, so I do have to spend more time in that peaceful spot. My plans for the future are gonna hafta wait.
Sarah,
You’re right too. But there’s a lot more to my sit than meets the eye. I’m not gonna post a detailed analysis, but I’ve been trying for an awful long time. And by trying, I’m including “not trying” because sometimes the very fact that you’re trying doesn’t work.
I do love myself, Sarah. I’m very proud of the adversity I’ve overcome, and as far as I’m concerned, there isn’t a better man who walked the earth than me. If I didn’t believe that, I’d have to agree with my W that our R is all wrong. She deserves no less than the best.
Here’s my “smile report”
Even in the darkest hours of my depression, I enjoyed my karate. It was often my only lifeline to the “real” world. But as the date of my black belt grading approached, life was getting difficult. Between my loneliness, my DD’s sit, work, … You know the story. I was missing a lot of classes, and my concentration was shot. Factor in an old leg injury, and things weren’t looking very good.
The black belt grading is a gruelling 5 hours that starts with an hour of vigorous exercise. Before it started, I knew that things would go in one of two directions. Either the “warm-up” would wreck my leg, and the exhaustion would further cloud my concentration, or the warm-up would actually warm up my leg and tire me to the point where my mind would be clear to do what I had to do.
The second situation was what happened.
During the grading, there are a whole slew of black belts who act kinda like proctors. Since my S#1 is a black belt, he attended. From time to time, my son’s voice could be heard from behind me. “You’re doing great dad.”
I smiled.
At one point, I heard a strange voice from behind. “Nice back stance.” It threw me to get a compliment in the middle of a technique, so I flubbed the next three moves. All I could do was laugh inside and pick it up as soon as I could.
At the 4 ½ hour mark, I realized that I hadn’t been kicked out of the grading. I had made it.
I smiled.
The next day there was another two hours. Mostly a show for our folks, and the presentation of belts. As I was called up to perform, my mind went blank. I couldn’t remember a thing. But when they announced the technique to be performed, it flooded back into my memory.
I put on a good show for my W and girls.
My leg hurt. I grimaced.
But I also smiled.
When my name was called out, and I received my belt from the master-sensei, you couldn’t wipe the smile off my face.
