Wandering Poster - Sweet 16?

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Jeff, wow, that was a revealing post, some things struck me, about the assumptions you are making (?) my friend has a big thing about how people make assumptions in Rs, so I'm going to see if I can help any at all here...hope you dont mind! First off..

I understand what you are saying, but....

Jeff, you said no BUTs !!! It shows a closed mind? Is that the point? In the Depression book I read its called the "Ah, but game" and is a classic thing that people with depression do.

W has told me that she has never liked sex, and never had an O. I took this as her telling me it wasn't my fault, C seemed to think it was much more likely a shot at me, since that would be my fault. I don't know if I agree, but she could be right.

I dont agree either, and maybe this C is not so good !? I wouldnt say it was "your" fault at all. Your W was trying to confront the issue by telling you and who knows, blame you maybe...did you talk about it with her at the time? I saw a documentary about women being unable to orgasm, their loving partners tried everything, but still nothing. I think that for some woman its about fear... of letting go. Do you think it could be linked to her controlling personality? Why do people try and control everything? (With woman it is typical to want to control the home environment, hence fixating on details of cleaning and laundry, thereby masking the real issues). With an O, you are out of control. I think you could be like Errol Flynn in the loverman stakes and she still wouldnt O Jeff. Have you read up on any of this? DID YOU TALK TO HER ABOUT IT ??

She "told" me that I couldn't leave while she was in school, and then told me that she didn't have time to work on our marriage.

...well, she has you under control then! I guess you have a choice no matter what she says, so you could have chosen to go ahead and leave anyway, why didnt you?

About a month ago was the incident when the kids (10 and 13) were not working efficiently enough for her. And she told them that she had a job now, and she could leave.

I thought this was wierd at the time..an empty threat. If that were true, then why doesnt she leave? Whats keeping her there? Why does she want to stay in a loveless M with no physical intimacy? Is she afraid of change, of being alone, does she love you really but she has gotton so closed off and gnarled up over the years thats she cant show it?

If she doesn't want to work on the M, I don't think I am interested in waiting for her to want to. She seems content with her life as it is, she has her kids, a nice house, enough, if not plenty of money, and she can do whatever she want beyond that. I don't think she has any motivation to change.

Well this is a major assumption Jeff and you could be totally wrong on both counts. As an outsider whose never met your W, she sounds anything but happy. She sounds bitter to be honest. Bitter and unhappy and her soul is not signing, thats for sure. What makes you think she is content? Does she smile alot? Does she hum and sing to herself as she goes about her chores? Does she hug and play with the kids alot and laugh with them? (maybe she does, I'm asking you to prove it here!) Does she have a healthy loving R with you?

Or is she trapped in a Cold War at home? For christsakes, shes never had an O! I wouldnt be surprised if she was unhappy and unfulfilled !! That could be a huge disappointment for her or frustration. She may have given up on herself and its no wonder she refuses to sleep with you (its not about you though). I was amazed to read that you think she is content. I think Jack said she may be apathetic?

Plus... goes back to asking her, you said to me it was a good idea. Why dont you do it? What are you afraid of? Just go now, step away from the PC, say W....I was curious, are you happy?

So just saying, we all do it, I do it, you seem to be doing it, the only way to know how someone really feels, is to communicate with them. Unfortunately in yuour sitch, well as in lots of here, thats whats largely caused us to be here I would say - lack of communication. Instead of talking and finding solutions, people retreat, into themselves, into resentments, into an OP.

Jeff, I agree with Lisa, its a sad state of affairs that its a bonus your W doesnt hate you. She has a lot to answer for and a lot of work to do on herself and I imagine she would be very resistant to speaking to a C. Again, not about you or the M, but she has got to want to change, right? And embrace happiness.

But ( ) I think you just need to go ask her. (((((JEFF!))))

Ali xxxx