If You Love Somebody, Let Them Go???

[Jasmine01]

It's been awhile since I posted, so here's a quick overview of my situation. H and I are separated, and I learned in early April that my H is still involved with OW. I thought the affair ended before he moved out, but I think it started again when OW moved back to this area in December (she had been living 4.5 hours away). H doesn't live with her, although from what I can tell he's there alot. So I've had to deal with two "honeymoon" periods in the affair (when it first began, and when she moved back here).

Since I read Divorce Remedy in January/February, I've been able to keep from pleading/begging/crying/being miserable with H. I struggled with R talks (I would want to have them; he, of course, hated them) until I learned the affair has continued. I now have zero interest in discussing our marriage or the affair, so that has been a good thing. I only call him when I need to discuss something about the children. I think I've done well as far as not being clingy or needy with him.

I'm at the point where I realize that he has to figure out the grass isn't greener where he's grazing, and that his relationship with OW probably won't last or be a healthy one. Other than waiting patiently, staying busy, and limiting unncessary contact with H, is there anything else I should be doing?

As far as the title for my thread, I don't want to let my H go as in divorce. I want him to see that I am not going to get sucked into the drama that this whole situation could easily be and spend my days desperate for him to come back. As long as we're married, will he feel truly free to go all the way to the end of this dead-end street with OW?

Thanks for any responses. I hope I made sense; I've got a sick little one curled up next to me, so my attention has been divided...

[MoMo01]

Hello Jasmine01 - I am sorry that you feel the way you do about your sitch. You have done everything right and there is nothing you can do to change the situation as far as your R with your husband is concerned. What you can do however, for you and your children, is to be the best person and best mother you can be. I know you love your husband unconditionally, but his heart is somewhere else. Is it fair on you to wait until he realises that the grass is not greener elsewhere? How long are you prepared to wait? One, five years? Meanwhile life will pass you by and as they say, there are no re-takes! Your H knows that you are available and there is no pressure on him to stop what they are doing. Perhaps if you started dating, it might make him realise that you are no longer available, that you are desirable, that HE will be the one who will have to win you back. People don't realise what they had until it is gone. It is all about power differentials in relationships. Right now, he seems to have 100% power and you 0%. Is it about time you regained some of that power?

MoMo01

[Hope4us]

No offense intended MoMo, but DO NOT START DATING. First, you're still married, even if your H is involved with OW. Second, if you still want your marriage to work, adding a 4th person to the mix would do nothing but make things even worse. Third, do you think it would be fair to anyone you date for them to possibly become interested in you when you really want your H back. Fourth, With your marriage where it's at, if you start dating and a man pays attention to you, I guarantee you will not be thinking rationally and you will begin to crave that attention, just like your wayward H did when his A started and you'd be off and running in your own affair.

That doesn't mean you can't go out with friends, GAL, be the best person you can be. Live YOUR life, if your H wants to join in when this affair ends (which it will), great, if not you'll be just fine without his sorry butt.

Who else knows about this affair? Is the OW married? Do his parents know what their son is doing?

There's two schools of thought with affairs. You can be passive and let them burn out on their own or you can be aggressive and take steps to help expose the affair for what it is, nothing but a fantasy.

Which way do you want to go?

[Jasmine01]

Thanks for your responses. Here's a little more info. about the affair to answer your questions. OW's divorce was final Friday. The affair with my H was the second one in her 3.5 year marriage. The first affair began before her one-year anniversary and lasted a little over a year. So, yeah, unless she undergoes a drastic change, she'll be moving on to someone else sooner or later (probably sooner). My H's parents are dead, and he told one cousin he sees a few times a year that we're separated, but he has told no other relatives and he is not close to his family. So there's really no one to whom to expose the affair.

As far as being either passive or aggressive about the affair: I suppose I tend toward the passive. The primary reason for this is because I'm a Christian, and I want to let this thing run its course and give the marriage a chance to be restored. My H knows I do not believe in divorce (although I realize it is biblical to divorce for adultery). Knowing my H like I do, I think that aggressive behavior on my part would push him to pursue a divorce. Because OW has only been back in our town for a few months, I think they are in a sort of honeymoon period, so she looks perfect (or pretty close to it) to him right now. He has also told me that she has pushed him to make a decision (divorce me or not), so I feel like I may be better off not pressuring him or trying to discuss the affair or our relationship. My H still has not said we will divorce, continues to pay all our bills, is talking with me about my homeschool plans for the next school year, etc., so my plan right now is to lay low and be pleasantly detached from the situation as much as possible.

As far as dating: I will not do that for lots of reasons. To me, dating would be an adulterous action to take, it wouldn't be fair to my children to confuse them by me going out with a man who isn't their father (they are small and of course know nothing of the affair), it wouldn't be fair to a guy to date him while I'm married, etc. And I realize that should my marriage end, I will have alot of trust issues and other things to deal with on my own before I pursue a romantic relationship with anyone. I've been with my H since I was 16. First date, first boyfriend, first everything. I can't bounce from this relationship to another one without some serious reflection and resting time.

Thanks again for responding. It's so nice to have a place to turn where everyone understands what you're going through.

[Hope4us]

Jas, Of course every situation is different, but if OW was away for a while and recently came back to the area, you're right, they are probably in the honeymoon phase again. And if she's a serial cheater, I bet you're right in that she'll be moving on once "this" relationship gets boring.

If the course you've decided on is to wait this out, just detach and love your kids. My kids have been my strength.

My counselor told me that in my sitch it was probably a bad thing that OM moved 250 miles away because that removed the opportunity for WW and him to get on each other's nerves. I have seen times when they'd get into it with each other and then he'd be all "I'm sorry, I can make you happy forever, blah, blah, blah". If I'd have been stronger I think if I'd have just ignored the affair it would have ended on it's own, but it's not in my personality to sit by and watch my WW leave to spend the weekend with OM without doing something about it, so I went the exposure route. Did it work? Remains to be seen. It's pretty much ended the affair, but now WW thinks I'm the most controlling cuss around because I wouldn't stand by and let her have an affair with a married man.

Keep your chin up.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

It's pretty much ended the affair, but now WW thinks I'm the most controlling cuss around because I wouldn't stand by and let her have an affair with a married man.

Silly you.