H is Having Affair after all - Part 2

[Jen_Jam]

Thanks Jen, Your so positive, I love your outlook and your advice....I have printed it off to keep reading!!!

You are most welcome - remember to use only what fits, some of my advice might not work for you.

You h recommitted to M within a year didn't he? Can there really be any hope for me?

it took him about a year and a half, as his feelings went in summer 2005. But please don't compare timeframes with anyone - each situation, although there may be similarities, is unique and each needs its own timeframe.

Glad to hear D2 got on well in C. I'm sure she is really angry and yes there is nothing wrong with feeling anger, it's how you deal with it that counts.

I did actually understand the financial stuff with the S!!! Woo hoo, I'm normally rubbish at maths. But I won't say anything on this, it's up to you to decide that for the best.

I'm slowly accepting the situation. I want to be friends but I don't want to be friends, if you know what I mean? It seems as if it's all on his terms.... he was talking to me last night about a recurring problem at work about his contract and I felt like saying 'don't talk to me about it, you choose to walk away from me your wife, you've lost the right to confide, take it to your b*tch I can't help you with your problems'. I didn't of course, I changed the subject as I didn't know what to say and didnt really want to get involved in his problems. (not good DB)

Yes I do know this one very well. I had going round my head a few times a song by Jayne/Wayne County called "If you don't want to **** me baby then baby **** off" But you're right it's not good DB. And the situation ISN'T fair - they rarely are. But it takes a superhuman effort to put aside these thoughts and focus on solving the problem. In my sitch I wanted my H to sit down and talk to me calmly, tell me what was going on in his MLC mind, reassure me all would be OK. None of that happened. OK, I had made mistakes in our relationship but I didn't deserve to have my heart ripped out of my chest.

But life isn't fair. I had to accept that what had happened had happened, I could spend my time and energy wailing about it (and I did for a while) or I could pick myself up, dust myself down and say "RIGHT!!!! You think you want a D, do you? Well, I am going to become THE most wonderful W EVER and THEN we'll see".

And I did become the most wonderful W ever. I changed me, for me but also hoping to attract H back, but you know something? The more I changed me, the more I looked at myself and realised where I was going wrong, the better MY life got. I found that other areas of my life improved dramatically. Work got better. Friendships blossomed. Even my R with my parents got better. I found that by changing me, my life just got great. I then started to feel that if my H then did leave me then HE was the loser, not me. And I meant it.

I borrowed his car at lunch time today (emergency)and on the floor was a brochure for italy/sicily. He told me was planning a break on 16th August as he asked me to have the boys, so he could plan a break. That's knocked me a little b/c I know he wont be going there alone, he doesn't have any friends to go with, so in all probabilty its OW.

Maybe it's OW, maybe he's going alone, maybe he's really a 007 agent on a secret mission, maybe the Pope has summoned him for an audience, maybe the borchure belongs to someone else, maybe he's actually going to the moon in August!!! OK, I'm getting silly now to make a point. You DO NOT KNOW FOR SURE what he is doing. Please stop speculating, you'll drive youself nuts. Focus on what YOU can control, let go of what you cannot.

OK, here comes the berating time. I am doing this only because I can see in you that YOU can be a success, that you DO have the strength to channel your energy and you can be happy in the future.

You are still focussing on the big prize, and you are not going to get that in a hurry. Maybe even not this year. This is not your goal for now. you've got the DR book, right? re- read it, especially chapter 6 from "I'm Discouraged". Set some time aside when you won't be disturbed to really focus on the words.

It may help if you can look on this situation as happening to someone else. Detach you out of it and take a cold look. Imagine it's a new project or venture which will need project plans, task lists, milestones, goals, tolerence levels set, spreadsheets. (Can you tell I do Project management in my job? It can help in DB'ing too)

So really I'd love to see you set some small goals to focus on. I'd love you to set out goals for yourself, your M, the kids. Make these really small - one of my first ones was "H wil smile at me". Goal setting really helped me, like I said in losing weight too, if you have 50lbs to lose it really helps to put your energy into losing the first 2lbs, then the nest, and so on. Before you know it you'll look back and 20lbs is gone.

OK, I'm rambling a little. Take care of yourself and your loving heart, pick yourself up,l dust yourself down and stop fighting with H, start fighting FOR him. Become irresistable. Right now he won't want to come back for fear of being "told off". SHOW him that isn't going to happen. How do you do that? With small and consistent changes. Slow and steady wins this race!