Help Me Act AS IF, Part 5

[SirPrizeMe]

Sometimes I think about these people as if they are ill - and I don't mean to sound condescending or arrogant. But there is something going on, they are not able to see as you see, or as I see.

Imagine your husband took a fall and broke his leg badly. And he can't walk. Imagine you jogging in place next to him, saying, "Come on, let's go! Let's go for a run! Come on, feel the air in your lungs, let's just stretch our legs and run for a while!" But you'd never do that. You'd be patient with him. You would recognize that he just cannot walk, let alone run. That he is injured. That he needs to rest and heal. And maybe later he'll run again. Maybe in a long while.

What you are asking him to do - stay with you and just work through this thing - is the same. He just can't do it. You cannot see the break, but there is something broken in him preventing him from running. He can't run. He can't walk. He can barely stand. He needs to rest, to heal, to get away, to stop trying.

This is my theory anyway, as it applies to my situation. And I think yours is similar.

I hope this doesn't sound condescending, or as if I feel I am superior to my spouse. I'm not. I don't want to be. But either she really was inhabited by aliens, or she is having a mental health event, just like a physical health event like a broken leg.

Exhorting my wife to run with me didn't work. I tried too long. In the end it alienated her from me. Honestly, I think it made it worse.

What REALLY made it worse was me being so angry and disappointed. I think marriage is important and I take it seriously. I think divorce would be a tragedy for my children. And I communicated that to her. But that did not change her heart. It only made her feel worse about what she HAD TO DO: Leave.

[newnamenewlife]

I AM letting him go--but he's not going. He seems to be stalling on doing what he needs to do to make the move, so don't blame me for not letting him go! I have accepted it as much as I can for now. He knows I am sad and hurt and that I see our M differently--but he also knows that I'm not stopping him and that I realize his mind is made up. He also knows that this is going to be hard on our kids and I think he feels tremendous guilt about that.

If he is so determined to leave, then why isn't he going to live with his parents while he figures out how to get an apt? I have suggested that to him, but he won't do it. They aren't very far away. Why is he dragging his feet? It's not because I won't let him. At this point, I feel like he is holding ME hostage in my own home. I want to say GO ALREADY. What is he waiting for?

I am not going to lie and say I want this to happen, go with my blessing. But I am accepting it. The true, full acceptance can only happen over time, I believe, and not until he has left.

[SirPrizeMe]

yep, it's enough to make ya crazy.

[mishka422]

I feel for you LMG. My H did the opposite. He told me he was going to have to leave but not until after Christmas and then the day after Christmas he did just that. Walked out carrying all of his clothes right in front of our son after telling him he had to leave and moved in with OW. I don't know if more of a clean break was easier than the slow agonizing wait you find yourself in.

I am so sorry you are in the limbo you are in. We're all in the same boat so we feel your pain. You're strong, you can handle this.

((((LMG))))

[newnamenewlife]

Yesterday was fun. Our block had a block party and the weather was gorgeous. The kids played and I socialized with lots of friends. I felt really happy and in total GAL land. H kind of came and went. He went for two bike rides and at about 8pm announced he was going to the movies alone. I know it sounds like there must be an OW, but there isn't. He seems to be having an A with himself lately, always wanting to be alone--either listening to music on headphones, going for bike rides, reading, on his laptop. He'll do anything to avoid interacting with me.

Two of my friends who were here yesterday said it seems like he is really removed, that he doesn't like them anymore. He is so off in his own head most of the time, so disengaged. The more he's like that, the more I feel detached too. But then he flashes back to his old self and I feel like he "sees" me again and my heart just hurts so much.

Today, we played a board game with the girls and H was looking at me and teased me a few times in the kind of loving way he used to--like "you gotta watch mom. You never know what she'll try to get away with." (That was during the game and D7 was checking to make sure I took the right cards.)

Yesterday I was cleaning out some junk and came across duplicates of our wedding photos. Found a whole stack of me &H dancing, looking so lovingly at each other, so young and happy. More agony for me, especially because deep down I still feel that way about him, even though I guess I wasn't showing it too well for the past few years.

One of my friends thinks he has a need to re-live his youth, which I guess is MLC. He's been with me for 19 years, and just seems to need freedom right now--free to go to movies alone at 8pm (leaving me with the kids), free to take off on his bike whenever.

I'm not sure how to DB any more at this point. I've done a lot--GAL, stopped saying ILY, giving him tons of space, trying to have no expectations. I'm not sure what to add to my arsenal. I could throw my arms around him, which would be a 180 for sure, but I know he doesn't want me to.

[newnamenewlife]

^bump

[newnamenewlife]

Today I called a mediator at H's request. She wanted to speak with both of us before meeting with us. It was a whole new kind of wake-up call, this time to the financial realities I'm being forced to face.

H wants a legal S agreement before he moves out. In our state, I could claim abandonment if he leaves the house without one, which has all kinds of implications in terms of property, etc.

The mediator estimated it would take 3-4 sessions to create an agreement, and she recommends we have a L look it over once it's done. She is $250/hour, so there's $1000 right off the bat.

Have I mentioned that D11 needs $6000 worth of orthodontia and we have lame dental insurance? That we have lots of other debt too??

So add the mediator and lawyer fees to the rent H will need to pay on an apt, plus furniture, utilities, etc, plus health insurance we will have to pay for in June when H's severance package runs out and we're talking SERIOUS DEBT.

It is one thing to DB for the emotional reasons, but how does one handle this aspect? I feel like I am being forced to deal with all this financial stress and uncertainty against my will and it is Pi**ing ME OFF!! We could have spent this money on MC, but H wants this instead?? This is a man who HATES spending money, I might add. Before all this went down, he talked constantly about how we need to reduce our monthly expenses and now look!!

We have talked about renting out our third floor as an apt (and the girls and I would live on the two floors), but that is going to take an investment to renovate and so far H has done nothing to get that ball rolling. (fyi, we live in a townhouse, so it's narrow; two floors is OK for me and Ds, but it's not palatial by any stretch.)

I am having a very hard time participating in my own financial ruin! I have worked

[cagzmom]

without going into to much do know this-- he is looking out for him..you need to do the same.

[SirPrizeMe]

Ewww, I know that stinks, LMG.
The financial aspects are terrible. Divorce is a financial disaster for the involved parties.

I know that really stinks for you. The way I am looking at it - the money - it's a shame but really I am in a different place now. I used to think about saving $25 here or $100 there but now that is ridiculous. The legal fees for me are in the tens of thousands. No kidding. So I have let the money part go. I am assuming it will ALL be gone at the end of this thing.

I used to be financially conservative and careful, but at this point, the other side is spending so much on attorneys that everything else is noise. EVERYTHING. And it's not like we're loaded either. So far the other side's attorney fees are maybe 30% of our total liquid assets. I got fed up when I hit $10k so I just fired my attorney - she wasn't helping me at all.

If we keep going, we'll spend 75% of what we're trying to divide up. It's the silliest thing! But I cannot get angry about it, because I have no control over it. It doesn't make sense to me, but... nothing I can do.

[SirPrizeMe]

on the board games and going-to-the-movies-alone... you know, if you just take a step back from that a bit... it sounds totally normal and healthy. everyone needs their own life. I know married couples who do this. It may not be what you are used to, but really, him spending time on his own seems ok.

I know you have lots of other signals and the situation is not as simple as "he spends time on his own." I'm just saying, if you look just at that one aspect, it isn't unhealthy.

Anyway, hugs to you. stay well.

I'm glad you enjoyed the block party.