Torn between hope and anger

[lise]

How many times am I going to have to be told these things before they finally sink into my reality and my perception of who I am?

Some days I feel so strong and certain of who I am and where I want to be going. H left me with all of the wonderful life we created, he just took himself out of it. He's starting from scratch with the OW, which I guess is part of what MLC is about, wanting to leave behind the baggage and responsibilities of his previous life. I've got the family, the friends, the home and the job. I'm still doing everything (mostly) that I want to be doing and always have been doing. But it feels so different doing it alone. I find myself starting to doubt what I thought I wanted. Was I only wanting it because he wanted it too? Can I even make my life happen without him? ...

Eeeeek, I know how that sounds and I'm not really such a complete wimpy wus. (In a recent email H actually claimed he has been intimidated by me for most of our marriage.) It's just that H and I did practically everything together and I feel so empty now. I never realized how dependent I was on his presence and support to give my life meaning. I guess that's why I tolerated so much of his bad behavior.

I wonder sometimes if he will realize how much he needs me, except he's not in the same position as I am since he is running into the care of the OW. I wonder if she'll pay our car insurance that I just found out bounced due to insufficient funds in his bank account. That was the only bill I left for him to take care of since he insisted he add his new car to our joint policy and I didn't want to pay for a car that was given to him by the OW. Bad decision. I am separating everything now. And when I see him next week we are going to do some serious negotiating about asset protection and child support. I don't expect he will appreciate the reality check.