I understand what you are saying, but.... I think the first thing might be that the reason for going to the C was to get help with depression. That might explain the direction things have gone so far. The C quickly, and I would have to say correctly, figured that my relationship with W was at the root of the depression, in large part.
Here are some more snippets that you may have missed over time, we went over several of these today in C.
Remember that I have not even been allow to touch W in more than 2 years, and have not ML for almost 3 and a half years. And there was another 3 year stretch from mid 97 tot he end of 2000. Though that time there was some touching allowed. W has told me that she has never liked sex, and never had an O. I took this as her telling me it wasn't my fault, C seemed to think it was much more likely a shot at me, since that would be my fault. I don't know if I agree, but she could be right.
A few months ago I tried to direct a kiss to actually miss her cheek and hit her mouth. She compared that to attempting rape. Seriously.
She did tell me several months ago that she doesn't hate me, so that was nice.
A year ago, maybe a year and a half, W and I had a discussion where I got to the point of talking about leaving, though really pretty calmly. She "told" me that I couldn't leave while she was in school, and then told me that she didn't have time to work on our marriage. Which I guess includes having time to be nice, too.
About a month ago was the incident when the kids (10 and 13) were not working efficiently enough for her. And she told them that she had a job now, and she could leave.
Whenever we have a "discussion", there is really only one answer. If I agree with her right away, she asks if I really agree, or am I just saying it to shut her up. But, if I don't agree with her, we get to argue until I do. So, now I just agree, I have to admit even if I don't agree. But there is really no point in arguing, so it doesn't matter. Of course, that is the passive aggressive bit that the C said that the controlling personality often brings out. I think she gets mad if I don't argue.
It is true that I have not been perfect. I don't keep the kitchen as clean as she would like. I'm not as much of a disciplinarian as she is. I'm not quite as careful with money as she is, but I'm not wacky, either. And, as I already mentioned, I can be a bit passive aggressive.
If we actually get tot he point of working on the marriage, I am sure that we will get farther into my 50%.
I don't know the C's basis for saying that controlling people rarely change. I imagine it is experience, but I don't know. It seems to me that a controlling personality is probably not likely to seek help, because that would indicate a lack of control, but that is just speculation on my part.
We did talk about how her reaction to being asked to see a C would be telling. If she doesn't want to work on the M, I don't think I am interested in waiting for her to want to. She seems content with her life as it is, she has her kids, a nice house, enough, if not plenty of money, and she can do whatever she want beyond that. I don't think she has any motivation to change.
My goal? First, to get myself well, so that I know I am giving my best. Then find out if she wants to try. Then decide what to do.
