I know how you feel about alot of what you mentioned. It's very hard to accept that you thought your H was different than he turned out to be. Many, MANY of us have been through this. It's hard to deal with, but you will in time. It makes you doubt yourself...and your judgement of people..but it will get better.
I think right now, like someone else mentioned, you have to try to see that there is nothing that you're going to do that will make a difference in your Hs decisions, choices and lifestyle.
It may be your Hs crisis(or not), but it is YOUR time to take control of your life. Do NOT let what he's doing control you.
As far as wondering what type of decision you would make regarding taking him back at some time, but that aside...way on the backburner. You don't even want to think about that until you've done some extensive work on yourself. YOU have to become a different person. You have discover yourself all over again. Not as someone's wife ...but you. You have to regain your own self-confidence, respect and strength.
Just like you wouldn't let a 3 yr old child make life changing decisions, you don't want to put yourself into the mindset that you have to know how you're going to feel down the road. You've got some growing to do, and once you're well on your way, THEN you can make some well thought out decisions.
If you're someone that wants to make a stand for your marriage..thats fine, and I don't think anyone here will try to talk you out of it. But being a stander doesn't mean going dormant until your spouse realizes the mistakes they've made. You still go on living, learning and growing..inside. You strengthen yourself. You grow aware of yourself. You will find out that you're so much stronger than you ever thought.
But you need to let go of your mind obsessing over your H and what he's done in his life. You can't change anything about him, but you can change yourself. Maybe down the road, he'll want to change his life..but that will be his decision, and his own work to do...not yours. You can't fix him..don't even try, or entertain the thought. And don't let yourself feel that you're responsible for any of the choices he's made during your marriage...YOU ARE NOT.
You take care of your kids and yourself. You live a loving , stable life for them and yourself.
As far as counting the days he's been gone or you've talked to him...you're doing good. I remember counting the hours! LOL
Whate
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
