Another new topic! already? Here we go

[LoginName]

today, riding my motorcycle home from work, I thought of how she had left me, and the kids. Riding a motorcylce in rush hour trafic is not a good time to be thinking those kinds of things. I tried to put it out of my head. I made it home safely, but the thought kept poking through. I got my son fed, had some fun with him, but the thought keeps popping up.

I need to write it out, to get it out of my system.

Forgivness. Is that what I haven't done yet, even though I thought I had?

She left. I'd started a new job, she left me and the kids. I could have lost my job. I was so lucky to have a job were I could work flexible hours so I could see my kids off to school and be there when they got home. What if I hadn't been so lucky? She didn't know that I would be able to arrange it the way I did. What if the job and the kids wouldn't have worked out? What if I would have lost my job? Would she have come home to take care of the kids? We could have lost everything. My kids have so much, and have so much opportunity. All of that could have been lost, and for what?

Did I forgive her, or was I so glad to have a second chance that I purposfully turned a blind eye to what happened?

Am I angry and do I need to process that anger before I can really move on?

How could she have done it? I really don't get it. How?

OK, now, trying to give both sides, as much as I can....
1) she must have been really miserable with me to do what she did. It couldn't have been just lust, could it? (if she were so miserable that she could leave her kids, how was she able to come back?)
2) she has said that she could not have left if she didn't trust that I would take care of the kids. That is a vote of confidence and even a sign of love (but can I trust her now?).
3) We were lucky, those terrible things didn't happen. Maybe I should move on and not think about it.

I can understand not being happy (I wasn't happy either), I can understand having an affair (I, shamefully, had one too), I can't understand risking ruining your kids (I was tempted to leave, and I didnt'. I ended the affair and, shamefully, resigned myself to my unhappy marriage for my kids sake, and for my W's sake as well).

I don't know. My W and I are different people. She did what she did. She can't change it now. Can she make amends? Should she? How could she? Is there anything she could do to make it up to me and to the kids?

The only thing she can do is live right now. The only way she can make up for what she did is to be authentic, truthful, trustworthy, and her own person, from now on. No more games, keeping feelings inside, doing what she thinks she should do for duty's sake until she can't take it anymore and explodes.

And the only thing I can do is work on forgiving her, and maybe myself as well.