Help Me Act AS IF, Part 5

[newnamenewlife]

So H&I went out tonight, the first time in ages. We had three glasses of wine each. There were times where we were very emotional and I cried and H stroked my face and I felt like we could easily have started kissing. But then anger would surface between us and the weird coldness from him returned.

He says it's not me, it's him, but then he seems to have all these complaints about me and says he's been unhappy for years. When I asked what to make of all the intense love letters, he says "well, it's not black and white." I told him how everyone I've told has been shocked because we seem so connected. He says his friends aren't surprised, know he's been unhappy, etc. I again wonder why he told them and not me!! I did some validating, but I guess the wine brought out some of my hurt and anger too.

I told him I could never imagine saying "I don't love you" to him, ever. And he said "well, should I lie and say I love you but I'm leaving?"

I'm exhausted. He has not looked at apts, has no real plans to move yet. I know he dreads telling the girls and who knows when he will. I am tempted to just kick him out, but I don't want to be the one to take action for him.

When we got home, D7 was going to sleep. I lay with her and she said "I want you and Daddy to go out more often. In the summer, you could wear a tank top and capris and he could wear shorts. We should get him shorts for Father's Day..."

Made me sad. I still feel like H&I will survive this, which I know is crazy. I know he is completely done, yet I still feel a spark between us, so what do I do? I guess when he leaves, I'll hopefully really accept that it's over.