He's "done". Period.

[7 Year Itch]

Thanks so much everyone. It's really nice to talk to people in the same place. I have 3 best girl friends, all married, and I'm now the first to go through this. They are all devastated for me/us, and did not see this coming either. So it helps to have people that are going through it to talk with. He is just SO SO closed like I have never seen.

I honestly do think his job has taken a toll. He's a police detective and SWAT sniper. He's seen a lot of cruddy stuff over his last 9 years with the departmenet, and I have noticed a personality shift over the last few years. He was always VERY mellow, not a quick tempered, laid back person. He's much quicker to anger now, much snappier with our kids etc. Nothing HUGE, but for someone that knows him so well, yes, he's definitely had the job affect him. I've had some people ask if I think he could be in a depression, and as much as I wish I could FIND any excuse for him, I really don't think so. I think he has hardened up a bit, but I don't think there has been anything totally traumatic at work or anything. I honestly sort of have been wondering on the mid life crisis thing. But he's not exactly fitting that whole mold either.

He's out with our daughter right now for dinner. Came home from work, and declared he wanted to take her out. I'm so happy for her, she loves her Daddy, but it's so hard to feel like a visitory in my own home. We function together until the girls are in bed, then I come into our bedroom, and he goes downstairs. I honestly never imagined how lonely I could be in a house with my own husband.

He is always so business and matter of fact too, and while I'm trying to be strong, look unaffected ,and start this whole LRT, I'm SO not there really. I love him. This is my husband, the father of my children, the man I committed to for life and through EVERYTHING. And I'm mad. Mad that someone can simply "inform" me that my life and my girls lives are about to change in VERY drastic ways and I have absolutely NO say in the matter.

For 5 weeks I've done nothing but buy books, talk to people at my church ,talk to friends, go to counseling (seperately and with him. Although ours together is a joke, and it's about communication through a divorce over real therapy), talk to him for hours, beg, plead, cry. Probably the ONLY good thing to come out of this, is I've NEVER lost weight this fast in my life. I've lost 18 lbs in the last 5 weeks, and at least I'm feeling someone good about myself physically right now. Isn't that ironic?

In a way I get jealous when I look at people's signatures and see that they've been separated, or had their "bomb" dropped many months or years ago and are still together. My H, is so matter of fact, and ready to be done. I mean, 5 weeks ago I didn't know he felt this way, yesterday he tells me he wants to file this month.

What the heck is the rush? I know I've been pushing him more to that with my crying, beggin and pleading, and now realize how bad that is. Hence now trying the LRT, but I so do not feel strong for it right now.

I still have hope. Totally blind, makes no sense, faith in God hope. And he's given me absolutely NO reason to have any. Is that just pathetic or what? But as I've told him.. "I don't know how to quit on him, or my marriage. It's just not in my makeup".

Chris