He started smothering me and telling me he loved me just to get me to say it back to him (women know what that is what their H's are doing) and it would make me mad. I felt as though he was suffocating me. I couldn't stand it b/c here he had went for years practically ignoring any needs I had....and had never given me what I yearned for emotionally, and now he was doing a complete opposite.....but it was bad timing. It only made me want to escape from him ... Most of my H's "tough love" methods did not work very well, except that one he told me about no second chances if I left. But, it was b/c he tried to "catch me" at doing my little thing over the Internet. He snooped and then told me.....to lay a guilt trip on me, etc. That just did not fly with me. If he had ever, ever "exposed" me.....as some H's believe in doing....I would have left this town and never returned unless there was an emergency in the family b/c I would have be so humiliated and it would have made me despise him for the rest of my life....and I told him so.
So, to try to narrow your question down to your list, I would have to say that number 2 is the best. I do think that there should be added to #2 that in some case, boundaries have to be drawn in order to show respect for the S and children in the home. Some women text their OM or take a cell phone call right in front of their H's. That is going too far in MHO!
Well, don't know that I have helped, but I believe in the DB book as still being the best. You can apply those principles without being a doormat and disrespected, but a lot of people don't understand that part. All they see is that the other S is having their cake and eating it too. That's not what DB is all about.
Sandi, As usual, your words are perfect! I again commend you for bringing your insight as a WAS to this board. We all know not to beg, pursue, plead, etc. after we find out about the A, but to hear from someone who has been there, done that, is priceless.
I don't necessarily agree with exposing the A to anyone and everyone either. What is that going to accomplish? Sure, it could work in your favor, but if your spouse is in a relationship with another person, chances are exposing it isn't going to make it end. It some circumstances, yes. But if someone is involved emotionally with another person, it adds another level to the entire sitch! You just can't turn those emotions off. You can't control them. You're better off fighting for the M in other ways -- like DB.
Well I tried, but guess that person isn't going to post anymore or else have hid on the board elsewhere. That really bothers me when people do that b/c I think I know how much they need all of us and yet won't stick around to give it a chance.
Anyway, thought I would drop by my own thread (lol). Haven't posted much b/c things are about the same. H and I are still baby-stepping to closer R all the time. It is hard to believe that it was just over a year ago when I thought my M was over. I look back and wonder what in the world happened to me. I read so many of the men's threads where their W's have left and they are in so much pain and it makes me realize how badly I hurt my own H. He kept it covered up very well. He never begged or pleaded or cried like I read about a lot of men doing when their W's are going to leave. I actually did not tell him that I was leaving, but he knew he was losing me fast. He did use tough love with me and part of it worked and part of it didn't. I have talked about that before. However, I wanted to say to the LBH that wonder why the WAW does not seem to have more remorse than she shows.......and I'm not certain this is the correct answer, I'm just talking, but I wonder if it just takes a long time for us to really realize how badly we have hurt our H's. It's like Michelle explains in her article, the WAW tries for so long to tell her H and he doesn't listen to her, so she shuts down emotionally and even divorces him emotionally. So, I think that we kind of become numb to any of the H's reaction or feelings b/c we feel that we suffered a long, long time and was not heard. I'm not making excuses for the WAW, but just thinking out loud. As time goes by, I am feeling more remorseful about what happened. It bothered me that I did not feel that way in the beginning. I knew it was wrong and I didn't want to hurt anyone......and yet I did not feel remorse. I did feel anger at my H for treating me like a child in some of his tough love tactics! I think it was when imLyn told me that I still had the heart of a WAW and had not turned lose of the OM in my fantasies. She was right. I still would fantasize about him in my own secret little thoughts. Until we are able to stop that, I don't think we can see a lot of progress made. Even though I would not make contact, etc., it did not stop my mind from wondering if he would have been my "Mr. Right" and we could have been so happy.......and then I would have to MAKE myself stop that kind of thinking. A lot of self discipline has to be applied in a break-off of an EA. I read in a book where that was one of the big differences between men and women. Women daydream or fantasize about the OP more so than men do. I don't know if that is true or not, but for me it was a big problem. I tried to convince myself I was over him.......I talked like I was over him and hopefully I acted like I was over him....but I sure grieved over him for a long time. If we had had a PA.....I guess I would have been distroyed by the effects.
I have said this before, but will say it again......I am blessed to have a forgiving H and a forgiving God. I think I have forgiven myself, (sometimes I still wonder), b/c when I read some of the men's threads it really makes me cry to know that I was one of those women that could cause so much pain.
Well, I will have the reputation for repeating myself! But, just kind of journaling tonight. Hope all of you have a good week.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I just want to say that I am so glad that you post to us here and give a perspective to what the WAS experiences. Right now I struggle with my H's connection to OW still after quite a while and your thread helps.
Right now I read your threads and I see a lot of my H in them. Maybe you could check out my recent threads in piecing and give me a little insight. I would appreciate it.
Im'e so happy to see that your R is headed into a closer R. It is certainly hard work but we reap the rewards.
Again Thank You for sharing with us.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Doing Ok, I think I have a Retro session in July. Things are kind of "comfortable" at home. Nothing to really complain about it is just that something is missing. I feel like I may be falling in to the same hole that MO2C IS in. I think keeping a PMA is sending confusing messages to W. I think she thinks I am Ok with things. I am trying to hold out until our retro session. I want to release my emotions in a controlled environment. I know it must be hard for W to agree to go to retro thinking I may bring up the affair. Even though I think she has put it aside as a no big deal thing. I don't think she realizes how colors, words, states names, and some actions bring it back to the front of my mind in an instant. I know I need to let it go but I think before I do WE need to confront it. The W and I need to talk about it. To put it to rest otherwise it will always be that monster in the closet waiting for night fall to come out. Well hope things are going good for you. In two weeks I take my week long father and son getaway...
Talk to ya later Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
