Wow, thats real progress. I like that idea, get her to talk to a C and then they will confer and try and get yu both together, sounds great. So how would you broach that with her? You havent even broached the "are you happy?" thing yet.. but if you did, and she wasnt, you could say you would like her to consider seeing the C? It all sounds like things are moving, circles within cirles...
I agree with the others, I was a little surprised your C said The bad news is that she said that people like that rarely change... I talked to my C about the possibility of BF changing (as friends said he may never change) and she said, well, people perhaps dont change their basic selves, but we all have potential for change and to change our behaviours, especially if those behaviours are destructive or unhealthy or not making us happy. So, take heart ! I guess you have to WANT to change though.
Its great to see that you are feeling better about yourself too.. you should do, you are a lovely man!
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
i am a little apprehensive about your counselor. may be i am from a different school (i am a therapist by education w/10y of experience)
i hear that it is a positive experience for you as it builds you up due to validation. however i would disagree that you are not the one w/the problem. i usually see issues in marriage as 50/50 (except for dv). i would interpret that you are the one w/ 50% of the problem. at the very list it's your reactions, behaviors that contribute, support, prolong and perpetuate "the problem". is there way to explore that?
i do not like that she makes diagnoses and predictions ("she said that people like that rarely change"). is it from her personal experience, is it from statistics? when we hear those kinda things from "people in the know" we tend to accept it unquestionably and they can lead to self fulfilling prophecies.... what can be more useful is to run down the scenarios - if she changes, if she doesn't change, if she somewhat change - how much is good enough? btw - what is your goal?
i think the idea of another counselor for your w is a more promising idea because yours one already has a preconception about her.
me, h - 40+ m-20+ s, d, ss - 20+ s, ow, pa since 04.2007 h back and forth 01.2008 - 05.2008 h decided to be w/ow 05.13.2008 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1415899&page=1&fpart=1
"Been yogaing every couple nights" - wow, wow, wow ...
it is soooooo great that you are continuing with yoging
i went to yoga class today and was thinking of you
me, h - 40+ m-20+ s, d, ss - 20+ s, ow, pa since 04.2007 h back and forth 01.2008 - 05.2008 h decided to be w/ow 05.13.2008 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1415899&page=1&fpart=1
I understand what you are saying, but.... I think the first thing might be that the reason for going to the C was to get help with depression. That might explain the direction things have gone so far. The C quickly, and I would have to say correctly, figured that my relationship with W was at the root of the depression, in large part.
Here are some more snippets that you may have missed over time, we went over several of these today in C.
Remember that I have not even been allow to touch W in more than 2 years, and have not ML for almost 3 and a half years. And there was another 3 year stretch from mid 97 tot he end of 2000. Though that time there was some touching allowed. W has told me that she has never liked sex, and never had an O. I took this as her telling me it wasn't my fault, C seemed to think it was much more likely a shot at me, since that would be my fault. I don't know if I agree, but she could be right.
A few months ago I tried to direct a kiss to actually miss her cheek and hit her mouth. She compared that to attempting rape. Seriously.
She did tell me several months ago that she doesn't hate me, so that was nice.
A year ago, maybe a year and a half, W and I had a discussion where I got to the point of talking about leaving, though really pretty calmly. She "told" me that I couldn't leave while she was in school, and then told me that she didn't have time to work on our marriage. Which I guess includes having time to be nice, too.
About a month ago was the incident when the kids (10 and 13) were not working efficiently enough for her. And she told them that she had a job now, and she could leave.
Whenever we have a "discussion", there is really only one answer. If I agree with her right away, she asks if I really agree, or am I just saying it to shut her up. But, if I don't agree with her, we get to argue until I do. So, now I just agree, I have to admit even if I don't agree. But there is really no point in arguing, so it doesn't matter. Of course, that is the passive aggressive bit that the C said that the controlling personality often brings out. I think she gets mad if I don't argue.
It is true that I have not been perfect. I don't keep the kitchen as clean as she would like. I'm not as much of a disciplinarian as she is. I'm not quite as careful with money as she is, but I'm not wacky, either. And, as I already mentioned, I can be a bit passive aggressive.
If we actually get tot he point of working on the marriage, I am sure that we will get farther into my 50%.
I don't know the C's basis for saying that controlling people rarely change. I imagine it is experience, but I don't know. It seems to me that a controlling personality is probably not likely to seek help, because that would indicate a lack of control, but that is just speculation on my part.
We did talk about how her reaction to being asked to see a C would be telling. If she doesn't want to work on the M, I don't think I am interested in waiting for her to want to. She seems content with her life as it is, she has her kids, a nice house, enough, if not plenty of money, and she can do whatever she want beyond that. I don't think she has any motivation to change.
My goal? First, to get myself well, so that I know I am giving my best. Then find out if she wants to try. Then decide what to do.
