GF, PLEASEquit doing his laundry. Give him what he asks for: NOTHING FROM YOU. Let him see what this is like in reality. Given all the very long posts you've made tonight I don't see how giving it a try can make things any worse.
As for being a SAHM. I was one for 11 years. Our problems escalated when I went back to work so please don't let your H think you getting a job will solve everything. (Although I thought I'd read that you did go out to work as well). IF money becomes an issue there are lots of things you can do from home. Maybe you should start looking into them even if you stay with H. At least then he can't say you don't contribute!
I'm really worried about you as your H sounds so abusive. Please take care.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
((((((GF)))))) It is all about control, think. He can't stand the thought of not being in control, of you, the kids, and everything else he deals with.
I think the only thing that you can do is to make sure that you don't give him control over you. I agree with ACJ, he says he wants nothing from you, give that to him. When he starts to insult you, walk away. Arrange to leave him with the kids now and then, and disappear.
I think your anger is hurting you, but I am not sure I can see anyone putting up with what he is saying and doing without getting angry, so I am not going to to say much about that. Only that when he attacks, I wouldn't even bother to defend, it isn't worth the trouble, and only gets you angrier.
Well that TOTALLY SUCKS! My computer ate my post when I tried to pause the security scan! Grrrr!!
Anyway, I'll try to make this brief, because that other one was long!.....Uh, was that a "No way!" I heard in the distance?!
GFI - I missed your question about my H's interactions with other people. Sorry about that!
He is rude to almost everyone. Everyone that really matters. He calls his sister a little b**** and/or an idiot when she p*sses him off or does something HE doesn't agree with. He is a lot nicer to his mom, but easily gets annoyed with her when he feels she's asking too many questions about things he doesn't want to talk about and will sometimes yell at her, telling her to "leave (him) the f*** alone" or to "just SHUT UP, Mom!". His friend who he's known for the last 20 years - H totally thinks he's a "f'up" and will tell him so, but it doesn't really matter because they've been through a lot together. They're like brothers, iykwim.
The only person I know of, since we've been back together, that he totally respects is one of his supervisors. I think H is jealous of how "great" his life is - nice home, good W, great kids, etc. This is also the same guy, and ONLY guy, who H ever confided in regarding our sitch. He's the only one H told the truth to (about his A), and this guy is the one who told him to get his sh** together, come back home to me and the kids because "your family is everything", and H better consider himself "DAMN lucky" if I decided to give him another chance.
Other than this friend, I can't think of anyone else he treats well. Wait, the two coworkers who come over often. He is always busting their ba**s about something, but it's all in fun.
Dang, I am really getting tired.
ACJ and Jeff, I think you are both right, and I will NOT do anything more for him. I will not do his laundry, make his appts that HE has PLENTY of time to make on his own while he's on the computer at work , no more shopping for him (that includes getting his Gatorade), and come dinnertime, I will only make enough for me and the boys. I will not feed him and his friends anymore.
Nothing will change in his favor or be to his liking UNTIL HE MAKES SOME CHANGES FOR ME. I am NOT going to let him crap on me anymore.
His words this evening sealed the deal for me.
When he and the boys returned from the movie, I was on my way out to meet up with some friends. Asked the kids how the movie was and if they had a good time (they did ). Then H walked in, saw that I was heading out and asked, "Soooo....what's the plan?" I told him I was going to hang out with my friends, and I also said, "I know you have to work early tomorrow, so don't worry. I'll be back long before you have to leave."
It's like he totally didn't hear me, even though we were standing within 2 feet of each other! He said, "You know, I do have to work tomorrow." I said, "Yes, I know that. I just said I would be back in plenty of time." I was VERY pleasant the whole time and kind of smiling.
So I start walking out of the house to my car when he says, "And just so you know, I DON'T care about you or what you're doing. All I care about are the kids and that I have to work tomorrow. That is ALL I care about."
That hurt. Hurt like he** . Still does. WHY does he have to rub it in like that?
I just nodded my head 'yes' and smiled at him saying, "I know. I know. You've told me that already." Then turned around and left. He didn't say anything. Just went into the house.
Geez.
Anyway, when I got home around 1am, he was still awake. Interesting, seeing as how he has to be up at 4:30am.
He tried to get under my skin again, but this time, I just ignored him. Basically gave him the silent treatment. I only answered one question that was necessary (he asked me not to touch the alarm clock - guess he thinks I'd turn it off and make him late for work on purpose or something *rolling eyes*).
I'm trying to think.....it's so late , I can't believe I'm still up!......What was he trying to do????
Oh yeah! He was talking about how important his job is for this family, so he needs to get up on time. In a pissy tone, he said, "I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't touch the alarm clock, ok?" I said ok, and nothing more. H said, "My job is important, you know? Wouldn't you agree that my job is important to this family?" I didn't answer. Just kept quiet. He kept asking me over and over again for a couple more minutes until he finally gave up and went to bed.
I KNOW what he was trying to do there. Another controlling tactic of his. He says he doesn't need me, but he WANTS me to admit that I NEED HIM.
I did not give him that sense of power over me tonight. Right or wrong, I would not do it.
Ok, I gotta get to sleep!
Thanks again, everyone! You're all terrific!
PS - ACJ, I do work but it's very limited part-time. H brings in anywhere from $6000 to $10000 a month (gross) while I only bring in about $1000 each month. My earnings mainly go to gas for my car, my cellphone bill, and groceries. H pays for everything else.
G'night or good morning, all! NOW I'm going to bed!
OH!!! One more thing! H says he's cancelling the internet service tomorrow (Saturday). He made that 'threat' when I got home tonight because I logged on and wouldn't talk to him. So we'll see what happens!
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
What an azz! He really is abusive sweetie, your going to have to ask yourself is this really someone that I want to continue to be with every day? Its not good for you or the kids for them to see him treating you this way. I really feel for you.
You are a wonderful person and if he cannot see this its his problem. He needs a major reality check on what real life is about.
All I can is you may have to re-evaluate your life and what you want out of Your M.. what is happening is your trying to hold on to it and he is doing nothing to help it. I just cannot believe the things he says to you, so hurtful.. im so sorry.
Try and have a good wkend.. stay away from him as much as possible to get through it.
(((((hugs)))))
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
I think you are doing the best that you can do at this point, by simply ignoring him when he was going on about money he eventually shut up and the same with getting in the car and going last night, I don't think you are going to win any verbal battles at this point since he only seems out to hurt you.
DO you think he carries on about the money because, as you stated when he was talking about custody that is the only thing he actually provides as far as being a husband and a father and if you take that away there is nothing left.
Internet is not that expensive, if he cancels it add it back under your name with the money you make from work, you can probably get something for around $20 and it will take the control away from him.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Good lord. It is painful to read about how your husband speaks to you. Truly painful. I can't imagine how unpleasant it is to be in the same home with him.
He definitely has issues that only he can address. He may never realize what little he is contributing to this world. His interactions with nearly everyone he knows... he must be completely miserable with himself. He must loathe himself. Really, how could anyone feel good about who they are when they carry that much animosity with them?
My concern -- even though you are the BEST mother to your boys -- is that they will see the way your husband treats you and somehow grow up thinking that is OK.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
ACJ, I do work but it's very limited part-time. H brings in anywhere from $6000 to $10000 a month (gross) while I only bring in about $1000 each month. My earnings mainly go to gas for my car, my cellphone bill, and groceries. H pays for everything else
Please don't sell yourself short here GF. I'd like you to carry out a little exercise. Find the numbers of some nannies/daycare. Do some research and find out which ones are the BEST .Like me you have 3 wonderful children. Daycare for this amount of children does not come cheap. I want you to work out how much you are
Quote:
SAVING
your H by being a SAHM. I know your reasons for being a SAHM are not purely financial (at least mine weren't). So when you have found out the cost of this daycare then put an 'added value' figure on top of that which reflects the 'value' your boys are receving by having thier mum there for them 24/7.
Now tell me again how much you contribute to the income/wellbeing of your household
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
I will post more later. Right now, I believe this is ending in D. H just called, asked if I could talk, I said yes. The R talk started out alright but ended up going downhill.
H wants a D....BUT HE WILL NOT SAY IT. He wants ME to make the decision for him. I just know it.
I explained to him, VERY CALMLY, that I could honestly go either way. Either we BOTH WORK TOGETHER towards salvaging our R - meaning we BOTH act as kind, appreciative, non-blaming, rational adults and TALK to each other about what we BOTH want and expect from one another - or we decide to D.
He pointed out that he is unhappy, does not think it can be worked out, things have changed too much and we "can't get back what we had" (duh! Of course it won't be the same, but that doesn't necessarily mean it can't be better than what it was), he thinks I would be happier with someone else and without him, he thinks the kids might be happier without him around because he knows they have heard us fight, and so on, and so on. All negative thoughts.
H kept asking, "So if this doesn't work out, what's going to happen afterwards?".....He's referring to D terms (splitting of community assets, child/spousal support, custody, etc). I told him if he needed time, I understood that, but he needed to give me HIS decision first. Then we would go on from there.
He said, "Well, what happens after weighs heavily on my decision." He wants to know what I'm going to ask for in the D, and THAT will determine whether or not he wants to still live together or D......??????.........After he JUST said all this negative crap about why he thinks D is best.......??????
Whatever.
I again told him he needed to make HIS choice first, then we'd discuss the next phase.
Nope. Not good enough. He wants the answer to HIS question NOW!!!
He was getting angry while I remained calm and intact the whole time. It was frustrating him. He started to yell, I said, "I will not speak to you if you're going to yell at me. G'bye." and hung up.
He called back immediately, was still a little loud, and I told him to stop right there. If he wanted to talk, I was willing to listen, but he had to quit yelling. Oooooooooh, he was seeeeeeething!
He kept saying, "I don't understand why you can't just answer my question, dammit!" Finally, I said, "For the last time, MAKE YOUR DECISION about what YOU want to do - you either want to work towards having a better R as a MATURE adult or you want a D. If you've made your choice, JUST SAY IT. If not, call me when you have it, can SAY IT, and then we will talk, but respect the fact that I may need some time to think things through. The same kind of respect I am willingly giving to you."
OMG, he was mad!!!!
So I had to say enough, g'bye, and hung up again.
I have to go to work now, so hopefully he'll cool down before I get back. But I hope even more that he will not be here tonight.
Happy Anniversary to me! LOL! *Sigh* What a joke!
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
"Quickie" horoscope - You're no one's doormat, but you will have to follow rules today. Give up power.
"Daily" horoscope - A person who has power over you is going to make what you consider to be a very bad decision today -- but there isn't much that you are going to be able to do about it. It's not that you are their doormat, it's just that you are not in a position to object to their rulings -- at least not yet. Bide your time, bite your tongue, and try to comply with their demands. It is definitely in your best interests to keep playing along and letting them have all the power.
Aaaahhhhh, let's see......Tonight's episode: "Killing Him With Kindness".
Will post more in a bit.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
, no more shopping for him (that includes getting his Gatorade), and come dinnertime, I will only make enough for me and the boys. I will not feed him and his friends anymore.
). Then H walked in, saw that I was heading out and asked, "Soooo....what's the plan?" I told him I was going to hang out with my friends, and I also said, "I know you have to work early tomorrow, so don't worry. I'll be back long before you have to leave."
. Still does. WHY does he have to rub it in like that? 
