((((((((GF)))))))) YOu know what? I think it is time to not be his slave. If he wants an eye appointment, he can make it! He knows his schedule, not you! He can call about the insurance cards provided by HIS employer! (Of course, if you need them, you might have to bend on that.) He can certainly do his own laundry! I think he is a control freak, at the least. He also is more than happy to diminsh your role as a SAHM, which I think is one of the worst things he can do. Somehow, he thinks that since you are not working for pay, you are not working. He is sooooo wrong!
Oh, GF, I'm so sorry you're in so much... icky-ness right now. Your husband is impossible. Impossible to please. Impossible to talk to. Impossible to like.
How does he interact with people other than you? You mentioned he blames SIL, MIL, friend... does he have a good relationship with ANYONE?
I'm so sorry... this is no way for you to live. You are far too bright, kind and wonderful for this. I'm not a religious person, but believe in "something" - I'm going to send a message to the universe requesting your husband get the wake up call he so desperately needs.
Last edited by girlfromipanema; 05/16/0807:56 PM.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
(((((GF))))) I am so sorry GF. I am going to agree with Jeff. Maybe you should stop doing these things for him. He doesn't appreciate you and he is very controlling.
I understand why you are doing things for him, but he is taking, taking, taking and not giving anything back (besides money, which in his mind probably makes everything ok). You cant live like that forever. If what you are doing isn't working then do something different right? Well, obviously these AOS you are doing for him isn't working....so quit and see what happens.
I am sorry you are having such a bad time of it, and here I am harrassing you for advice. I hope that your day gets better, and your H wakes up and realizes what he is doing.
Snow White
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
YOu know what? I think it is time to not be his slave. If he wants an eye appointment, he can make it! He knows his schedule, not you! He can call about the insurance cards provided by HIS employer! (Of course, if you need them, you might have to bend on that.) He can certainly do his own laundry! I think he is a control freak, at the least. He also is more than happy to diminsh your role as a SAHM, which I think is one of the worst things he can do. Somehow, he thinks that since you are not working for pay, you are not working. He is sooooo wrong!
Wanna have a pillow fight?
A pillow fight sounds reeeeeeally good right about now! But I might get carried away and mistake you for H ! Definitely would NOT want to hurt YOU, Jeff!
You know what? I believe you are right. I think I need to stop feeling as though everything is on me and me only. I need to stop letting him make me feel this way.....because I let it happen too much.....and I allow his actions and words to make me feel like I'm worthless, wrong, and a waste. God that hurts to type out.
Originally Posted By: tiredandlost
.....Or I end up fighting with him, which I try to avoid because of the kids, buts its hard, its just so far you can be pushed..
I try to ignore my H, too. I HONESTLY do. But as you said, a person can only take so much.
Another argument after I posted this morning. I'm sorry, but I did not have it in me to 'act as if', so he saw that my mood was less than stellar and said, "Oh are we still fighting? Just tell me now so I know what to expect." I simply said, "I don't want to talk today." Didn't matter because he still had plenty to say.
He said matter-of-factly that he doesn't like me. Basically, whenever I open my mouth, my attitude is disgusting and gross. I can see how he might feel that way, considering the fight we just had last night, but he makes it sound as though I have always been like that. Like there's nothing at all to like about me. I'm just a f'ing horrible person.
He said some other things, but I can't remember what. My head feels like mush right now.
I do remember though that when he was done, I gave him that little reality check I talked about yesterday. I told him, "After, and even before, you moved back into this house, I told you that I didn't want to see your time at work surpassing the amount of time you spend with your family.....When you're here in the evenings, you HAVE been outside with the kids playing ball or whatever....I DO see that......However, I do not believe it is enough. It's 2 hours here, maybe 3 hours there, once a week if the kids are lucky.......Do you know how hard it is when I pick them up from school, and everyday they ask, "Is Dad home? Is Dad working? When will he be home? Will we get to see him tonight? Will we get to see him this weekend?"
H said, "That's life, (GF)." I said, "You're right, and I know that. Life isn't always fair.......I understand that when you get offered overtime or extra shifts, you want to take it. Like you said, there are new guys around, and they want that money, too, so I can imagine how that must feel threatening to you. I do understand, H..........However, I think it is really sad that this has to come at the expense of time with your family." He said, ".........Well I guess I need to find a median then." I told him I believe he did. Then he said something about not being appreciated for what he does. I said, "I have always - ALWAYS - been grateful for EVERYTHING you have done and continue to do for this family. That will NEVER change. You are a wonderful H - " I was going to finish with "in that respect", but he cut me off and said I should rephrase that to a wonderful "father, because I obviously suck at being a H.....I love the kids and they are all I care about."
I asked him if I could please finish my sentence without him interrupting, but that just made him mad again. Right back to square one.....or subzero temps.
More arguing about how I don't understand what it's like to be him, and vice versa. I remember saying, "Why do you always have to try to get the last word in? Why do you have to have all the control in everything?" He looked at with disgust and said, "You CAN'T be controlled! You can't!" He walked away, shaking his head in disbelief, kept saying that I just didn't know what I was talking about. I "lie", he said. I said, "No. You ARE the way that you are. When I point things out, you get mad. You say I'm lying, but I just think you're in denial."
He said, "Whatever. I'm just gonna keep doing what I do, so I suggest you do the same. You have needs? Go fill them."
Bad, bad, bad......I was really hurt by that and f'ed up again by saying, "So should I go find someone to talk to, someone who will listen, like you did?" He turned to look at me, let out a little laugh and said, "Right....I don't think it got my needs filled. I think my life got f'ed." Then he went to say bye to S3 and left.
About 15 minutes after that, he called to see if I could find some sort of receipt for him, but that wasn't possible since it had to do with a ticket he paid off over a year ago (I would not have that info since he wasn't living here). He suddenly realized that after he called.
He called again about 30 minutes ago to vent some more about the "incompetent idiots" he had to deal with over the phone and in the courthouse. He found the receipt he was looking for at the place where he used to live. He took care of this today because he got a notice in the mail (at his mom's - ???) that this ticket fee had been sent to a collection agency due to nonpayment, but it's all squared away now. Someone made an error. Well I was trying to sound empathetic and validate his feelings, but I guess I didn't do too well because he said, "Oh you don't care. That's right. I'll let you go." I said, "No, I didn't say that - Never mind. Bye." He said bye and we hung up.
Anyway, ACJ, I forgot to answer this question:
Originally Posted By: ACJ
What has he actually done FOR YOU?
My answer would be nothing to make me feel cared about or loved. He will say thanks every now and then for some things, and I start to feel a little appreciated. But then it gets erased from memory during moments like this.
H's answer would be that he does EVERYTHING for me. He works to make sure the bills are paid, there's food in the fridge, the kids get to have the things that they want. I honestly believe he feels that is more than enough.
For me, it is not. I want KINDNESS, I want TIME TOGETHER, I want AFFECTION, I want a LOT LESS SARCASM, I want a LOT LESS ANGER AND BLAME.
PS - I started this post a while ago and have had to stop here and there, so I didn't see the posts from the rest of you.
But THANK YOU. ALL of you. Your support means soooo much.
(((((((Hugs for everone)))))))
Last edited by GoingForward; 05/16/0809:26 PM.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
A pillow fight sounds reeeeeeally good right about now! But I might get carried away and mistake you for H ! Definitely would NOT want to hurt YOU, Jeff!
But then you'd have to apologize!
Originally Posted By: GoingForward
He looked at with disgust and said, "You CAN'T be controlled! You can't!"
Well, duh! He shouldn't be trying to control you! He sort of proves your point!
I think your H may be realted to my W, though she isn't quite as vicious!
I think your H may be realted to my W, though she isn't quite as vicious!
I'd like to hope that there weren't any other people in this world as vicious as H. It's really terrible and so sad.
He started in again with me after returning to the house.
It's all crumbling and going to crap.
He is angry, so am I. He points out things like, "Look at yourself. You can't even take care of yourself. A grown adult who can't pay her own bills. You're gonna run home to Mommy and Daddy, live happily in their perfect home, and everything will be just fine. You're gonna listen to your mother and your sisters - they will just poison your mind since you can't take care of yourself or the kids." I point out, "You are just so mad at everything and everyone that nothing is ever good enough. You are so hateful towards everybody, most of all me. We both came into this knowing it was going to be tough, but as soon as we hit a snag, you give up. You don't see the point in trying anymore and quit. I say things you obviously don't like and disagree with, so you turn it around on to me and point out EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING you can think of that you HATE about me. You HATE me."
He said, "You and I are two totally different people. I came back because I thought I needed you, and I found out that I don't. I DON'T NEED YOU." I said, "You don't HAVE to need me, but you ought to feel to some extent that you WANT me." H said, "I DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU......I go to work as much as I do to get away from you." I said, "I am not the only one here. The kids are here, too, and they want to spend time with you." He said, "I do when I can, but that's not very much because I don't want to be around YOU........So what do you want to do? Tell me so I know what to prepare for?" I said, "Why is it when we get to this point, that you always ask me the same question? According to you, you are so completely miserable being around me, my presence and attitude disgusts you, yet you leave it up to me as to what the next move should be." H said, "Ok, you want my decision?! Give me the kids! Full custody!"
He is OUT OF HIS MIND!!!! NO WAY!!!!! He is MORE THAN WELCOME to see them WHENEVER he would like, he is their father, but there is NO WAY I would EVER turn over full custody to him! NEVER! The last thing I want is for my boys is to grow up, living with H, thinking it's alright to treat people the way that he does! At least I know that being with me (and yes, my parents until I can get us a place of our own), they will have emotional and mental stability in their lives! There is NOTHING stable about this man OTHER than money!
I love them just as much as he does, but...and I hate that I'm saying this.....I honestly think the reason why he wants full custody is so that he won't have to fork over a dime to us!!! He does not want to lose that part of control he's had from day one. TOO FREAKIN' BAD!!!!
JERK!!!
....................*SIGH*......................
Things are about to get reeeeeeeeeeal ugly, I just know it.
BTW, he also asked me if I thought he should get into the AA program through his employer....because I really do believe he's got a problem. He doesn't drink everyday because he works so much, but when he's not, he pretty much drowns himself in beer because he wants "to pass out". I think there's a LOT more to it than just that.
Anyway I said yes, I thought he should (knowing what was coming). He asked me why, and I said because I believe it's something that should be looked into, preferably by professionals who have experience in this area. "You're so f'ing stupid and out of your mind. You have NO IDEA what you're talking about. Ha! Yeah! Let me go and join this program so (refinery) can say, 'Uh oh! Gotta let (H) go!' What are we gonna do then, (GF)?!! What are YOU going to do when you don't get any money from me??!!!!" I said, "Well that would suck, wouldn't it? But I know with my family's support, LOVE, and encouragement, I will be able to make something of myself for me and the boys." H's response, "Yeah, Mommy and Daddy will take care of you, and everything will be ok. You'll all be happy and,"........blah blah blah.
I don't know if he's being genuine or just trying to prove something (to me or himself), but he's out with the boys right now. They wanted to see "Speed Racer", so that's where they are. I was not invited, of course, but I didn't expect that either.
This is so bad. I think back to when things were good.....and I can't believe this is the same person who always told me how much he loved me, that felt I was his 'soulmate'. The one who couldn't wait to take me out on the weekends when we had a sitter or who wanted to enjoy a ballgame with me. With ME.
He and I still share many of the same interests.....I KNOW we do......but he sees differently. He doesn't see that we do still have that. I just know in my heart that if he tried to reconnect with me in some of those things, it could be better. I just KNOW it could.
But maybe he's right. He's not happy with me, probably won't ever be, and maybe I would be happier without him.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
H said, "I DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU......I go to work as much as I do to get away from you."
I really don't understand how his brain functions. You really have it together. Of all the people who post on this site, you are one of the most intelligent... really it blows my mind that you're only 33. I was shocked when I leared you were a SAHM (not that I don't think that's incredibly important), but you seem so perceptive and savvy... I thought you were an executive running a major company. You're just so darn smart and funny and reasonable and focused and willing to try and give him what he needs. WTF is wrong with your H?
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
But I might get carried away and mistake you for H 
! Definitely would NOT want to hurt YOU, Jeff! 
He does not want to lose that part of control he's had from day one. TOO FREAKIN' BAD!!!!