Torn between hope and anger

[lise]

I found out about this other life of my H 3 years ago when he dropped the first bomb about the OW. And, yes, it made my sense of self worth plummet and made me seriously question my choice of "friends." At the risk of sounding like I'm defending him, he told me he "never had sex" with them, just was intimate in ways he said I wasn't providing him and he felt he couldn't live without. He also said he never really promised fidelity in our vows (we didn't say the traditional things) and the counselor we went to said that sometimes people enter into marriage with different definitions (he's following his dad's example.) I, of course, had assumed fidelity was a part of marriage agreement. And the ironic thing is that he hasn't even had sex with the OW he is leaving me for and he won't until her D is final because she doesn't want to break her vows. AND he says this time he will be faithful because he "just won't open the door to other women." He had been faithful to me (physically at least) for the past 2 years and hadn't been in touch with this OW for 1 year before this bomb 2. He even went to counselors, but he is a really smooth talker...

I realize this is a topic for a different forum probably. But I also realize that I may be holding on to hope for a marriage that maybe isn't worth even hoping for. Even if he is in MLC, why why why would I even want him back? What is wrong with me, what was I getting out of the relationship? THe hard thing I have to deal with is coming to terms with those 20 plus years I gave to him and feel so stupid about...