After 3 long years, H is home - II

[GoingForward]

(((((((Thank you so much, Jeff and Tal.)))))))

This just sucks so bad.

YOu know what? I think it is time to not be his slave. If he wants an eye appointment, he can make it! He knows his schedule, not you! He can call about the insurance cards provided by HIS employer! (Of course, if you need them, you might have to bend on that.) He can certainly do his own laundry! I think he is a control freak, at the least. He also is more than happy to diminsh your role as a SAHM, which I think is one of the worst things he can do. Somehow, he thinks that since you are not working for pay, you are not working. He is sooooo wrong!

Wanna have a pillow fight?

A pillow fight sounds reeeeeeally good right about now! But I might get carried away and mistake you for H ! Definitely would NOT want to hurt YOU, Jeff!

You know what? I believe you are right. I think I need to stop feeling as though everything is on me and me only. I need to stop letting him make me feel this way.....because I let it happen too much.....and I allow his actions and words to make me feel like I'm worthless, wrong, and a waste. God that hurts to type out.

.....Or I end up fighting with him, which I try to avoid because of the kids, buts its hard, its just so far you can be pushed..

I try to ignore my H, too. I HONESTLY do. But as you said, a person can only take so much.

Another argument after I posted this morning. I'm sorry, but I did not have it in me to 'act as if', so he saw that my mood was less than stellar and said, "Oh are we still fighting? Just tell me now so I know what to expect." I simply said, "I don't want to talk today." Didn't matter because he still had plenty to say.

He said matter-of-factly that he doesn't like me. Basically, whenever I open my mouth, my attitude is disgusting and gross. I can see how he might feel that way, considering the fight we just had last night, but he makes it sound as though I have always been like that. Like there's nothing at all to like about me. I'm just a f'ing horrible person.

He said some other things, but I can't remember what. My head
feels like mush right now.

I do remember though that when he was done, I gave him that little reality check I talked about yesterday. I told him, "After, and even before, you moved back into this house, I told you that I didn't want to see your time at work surpassing the amount of time you spend with your family.....When you're here in the evenings, you HAVE been outside with the kids playing ball or whatever....I DO see that......However, I do not believe it is enough. It's 2 hours here, maybe 3 hours there, once a week if the kids are lucky.......Do you know how hard it is when I pick them up from school, and everyday they ask, "Is Dad home? Is Dad working? When will he be home? Will we get to see him tonight? Will we get to see him this weekend?"

H said, "That's life, (GF)." I said, "You're right, and I know that. Life isn't always fair.......I understand that when you get offered overtime or extra shifts, you want to take it. Like you said, there are new guys around, and they want that money, too, so I can imagine how that must feel threatening to you. I do understand, H..........However, I think it is really sad that this has to come at the expense of time with your family." He said, ".........Well I guess I need to find a median then." I told him I believe he did. Then he said something about not being appreciated for what he does. I said, "I have always - ALWAYS - been grateful for EVERYTHING you have done and continue to do for this family. That will NEVER change. You are a wonderful H - " I was going to finish with "in that respect", but he cut me off and said I should rephrase that to a wonderful "father, because I obviously suck at being a H.....I love the kids and they are all I care about."

I asked him if I could please finish my sentence without him interrupting, but that just made him mad again. Right back to square one.....or subzero temps.

More arguing about how I don't understand what it's like to be him, and vice versa. I remember saying, "Why do you always have to try to get the last word in? Why do you have to have all the control in everything?" He looked at with disgust and said, "You CAN'T be controlled! You can't!" He walked away, shaking his head in disbelief, kept saying that I just didn't know what I was talking about. I "lie", he said. I said, "No. You ARE the way that you are. When I point things out, you get mad. You say I'm lying, but I just think you're in denial."

He said, "Whatever. I'm just gonna keep doing what I do, so I suggest you do the same. You have needs? Go fill them."

Bad, bad, bad......I was really hurt by that and f'ed up again by saying, "So should I go find someone to talk to, someone who will listen, like you did?" He turned to look at me, let out a little laugh and said, "Right....I don't think it got my needs filled. I think my life got f'ed." Then he went to say bye to S3 and left.

About 15 minutes after that, he called to see if I could find some sort of receipt for him, but that wasn't possible since it had to do with a ticket he paid off over a year ago (I would not have that info since he wasn't living here). He suddenly realized that after he called.

He called again about 30 minutes ago to vent some more about the "incompetent idiots" he had to deal with over the phone and in the courthouse. He found the receipt he was looking for at the place where he used to live. He took care of this today because he got a notice in the mail (at his mom's - ???) that this ticket fee had been sent to a collection agency due to nonpayment, but it's all squared away now. Someone made an error. Well I was trying to sound empathetic and validate his feelings, but I guess I didn't do too well because he said, "Oh you don't care. That's right. I'll let you go." I said, "No, I didn't say that - Never mind. Bye." He said bye and we hung up.

Anyway, ACJ, I forgot to answer this question:

What has he actually done FOR YOU?

My answer would be nothing to make me feel cared about or loved. He will say thanks every now and then for some things, and I start to feel a little appreciated. But then it gets erased from memory during moments like this.

H's answer would be that he does EVERYTHING for me. He works to make sure the bills are paid, there's food in the fridge, the kids get to have the things that they want. I honestly believe he feels that is more than enough.

For me, it is not. I want KINDNESS, I want TIME TOGETHER, I want AFFECTION, I want a LOT LESS SARCASM, I want a LOT LESS ANGER AND BLAME.



PS - I started this post a while ago and have had to stop here and there, so I didn't see the posts from the rest of you.

But THANK YOU. ALL of you. Your support means soooo much.

(((((((Hugs for everone)))))))