WHTDIDIDO: He knows he is equally at fault. What he did was pretty awful as well. He knows this. I had told him over and over what I needed/wanted. He did nothing. I realize that telling him didn't communicate the way he needed me too, but goodness. He didn't tell me anything he needed. He knows he is passive-aggressive. I should have forced him to go see a counselor sooner. I should have told him before I had an affair and tell him that I was close to having one. There are many things I should have done. But, at the time, it felt like I had done everything to tell him over and over what I needed and he didn't do anything. He put everything else in front of me.
I hear this from my W, says she tried to tell me, I didn't hear, I keep telling her she didn't try hard enough, I told her she should have said listen I'm going to leave if this or that doesn't get fixed, that was earlier this year when I first found out about OM, now its not you it's me, W says she is not cut out for this type of life (M with 4 kids) a life of chaos (whatever)
enough of me, back to you, being worried is a good thing, you know its going to take time.
Commit for the long haul, build memories, be open with each other, learn about each other. Take time, to fall back in love with each other.
You are posting now, how you feel now, this is all relatvely new, I know you are scared, who wouldn't be - you don't know what your future holds, no one does, I'm scared too. We know one thing that we can hang onto right now, we are trying to do the right thing, no one can ever fault you/me for that.
We all have a long haul ahead of us good or bad it's the path we choose thats important
We are all pulling for you and your H
Jeff from St Louis
M45 W41 M10 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me PA confirmed 03/08 no sex yet ??? Let me hope !!! W moving out June 1st - 17 days
How about reading a book to get your mind off your problems. Have you read Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert? It is a good book about a woman's search for herself.
We are here for you - having a down rollercoaster day ???
Its hard to be positive all the time, I'm going to try even if it kills me.
helps me to be with my kids, they do the funniest stuff and a simple smile brightens my day
M45 W41 M10 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me PA confirmed 03/08 no sex yet ??? Let me hope !!! W moving out June 1st - 17 days
Ok, so instead of trying to look back for good memories create some fantastic ones now. Plan a get away for the weekend, have a romantic dinner, do something different. Don't wallow in the negative that won't get you anywhere. You are an amazing person. I think your H is amazing too. I have been in this situation for nearly 2 years but didn't find this site until February. Maybe your H was at a loss as to what he could do too. Chin up. You are going to be fine. kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Jeff- DOn't stop telling me how your relationship parallels mine, etc. It helps me to see the "other side".
Yes, it is going to take time. It is going to take such a longggg time. It is really hitting me. It's not like I can "make my decision to stay in my marriage" and everything is hunky dorey. Not at all. I know it is the "right" choice, I just hope I don't commit to this and work my butt off at something that will never make us happy. I am 37 now. I wanted another child. If this doesn't work out, I'm pretty much going to lose out on that chance. I'm getting older every day. I love my husband, but something is missing. I need to really work at that....how to fix that....God, I hope I can fix that. I don't want to stay in this marriage just for my son.
I have to make a conscious effort to make plans so that we have some chances at new memories. Like Kat said, I need to plan something. I need something to look forward to. As I'm getting ready today and doing my hair and makeup I think how the OM would have been so happy to see me, and my H didn't want me to ruin his routine. It makes me think I'm making a big mistake.
Yes, it is a down rollercoaster day bigtime. It's like I know I shoudl get my mind off of it and just be happy with my son, but then I think maybe I shouldn't avoid the tough questions that are going through my mind about my M.
Sara- I'll have to look at getting that book. I keep reading all of the R books and it is just depressing me. My son just had a friend over so I should do some work. But, I my mind is just unable to focus. I feel like just crying and laying in bed.
Went to the park with the kiddos, out in the sun. Feel a little better. H called. I told him how I was feeling. He said I should come then. Maybe we will. It is not the same anymore knowing he really didn't want us to come at first. But, maybe we will. I feel like just "spacing out". Can't do that with a little guy around, though. Probably good I guess.
Please don't compare your husband to the OM. Your H maybe just needs to be told gently and directly waht you need. This has been a huge change for both of you, everything isn't going to fit perfectly even though you both have the best intentions. Give it time and bask in the joy that you are loved. kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Kat- yes, time and patience. I have to keep telling myself that. I need to stop comparing H and OM. It is hard not to. I just need time. I like how you said "bask in the joy that I am loved". You are right.
h4h- Yes, I'm thinking too much. But, things are bothering me again and I'm feeling like I did before the A. Sad. Alone. Bored. Unspecial.
Anyway, I went to eat with H. It felt forced, but ok. I wish I could be better. I have to keep showing loving actions and believe the feelings will follow. That is harder than I thought. I have to really force myself.
Thanks for posting for me today you guys. I really needed someone to respond. Do you ever find yourself in days like that? Where you kinda just sit and watch the screen waiting for someone to help you somehow. Maybe I'm just pathetic.
hey whatdidido, I just had to check in on you before bed.
A few thoughts after reading your post, You know me, I don't pull punches, I don't want to hurt anyone, but life doesn't always play fair.
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kat727: H maybe just needs to be told gently and directly what you need. This has been a huge change for both of you
I said this before, in your post somewhere, be direct with H about what you want, and how you feel, guys don't have a clue, we don't and you have to keep it short, we get confused easy.
But, and this is a hugh but, we like it when we know what makes our S happy. We like it when we know what you want. You said something, I believe about a mothers day present, that you wished that you didn't have to hold your H hand and help him pick something out ??? or something to that effect (maybe I'm confusing you with another poster) but the point is still the same, tell him that, I would appreciate whatever you would give me, as long as I knew you thought of it, you picked it out, etc. be prepared for almost anything, because we don't have a clue, but we will try. Same thing about meeting up with your H today, you don't know what he is thinking and he doesn't have a clue how you feel, tell him I thought that I was disrupting your schedule I felt ?? tell him, reach out, talk it out and find out what each other was thinking. I don't see this in many post communication, communication, why don't I see this more ??? I belive in a lot of the R books I have read, this is a top priority.
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whatdidido: I know it is the "right" choice, I just hope I don't commit to this and work my butt off at something that will never make us happy. I am 37 now. I wanted another child. If this doesn't work out, I'm pretty much going to lose out on that chance. I'm getting older every day. I love my husband, but something is missing. I need to really work at that....how to fix that....God, I hope I can fix that. I don't want to stay in this marriage just for my son
I know how you feel, (somewhat), I feel sometimes, like who would want a 45 old man with 4 kids, 5 years I'll be 50, I do think of this stuff, who doesn't, will I ever find love again, I know its not the same, time for me is different for you, you do deserve to have a chance at another child and I deserve to have another chance at love. I don't know what to say, how did we end up here at this point in time, I didn't plan on this, I'm sure you didn't either.
I'll pray, I'll pray for you, for God to give you guidance, I have no right to say anything about a woman and her desire for a child, there is nothing more beautiful, nothing more natural, then a mother and child.
I'm going to be happy, helpful, forgiving, patient and loving. Not just to W and kids, but to everyone I know and meet
We all have a long haul ahead of us good or bad it's the path we choose thats important
M45 W41 M10 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me PA confirmed 03/08 no sex yet ??? let me hope !!! W moving out June 1st - 16 days
