He's "done". Period.

[7 Year Itch]

Well, I've been lurking in here for a couple week and finally decided to plunge in. Wish I didn't need to be here, and 5 weeks later STILL feel like it's all a nightmare I'm waiting to wake up from.

Background: We've been married for 7 1/2 years. H is a cop, I'm a SAHM. 2 daughters (ages 6 and 2). The last couple of years have been pretty hard, but in my mind not at ALL divorce type of bad. So I was very shocked when I had the bomb dropped in early April that H didn't love me anymore, never would again, was not attracted to me, and wanted a divorce. We had a sitter lined up (by me ironically wanting to go out and do something fun knowing life had been stressful lately), when instead I got the "speech". We had always said we would do ANYTHING to keep our kids in a married household and divorce was not an option. That the only dealbreakers were abuse or infedelity. Well, not anymore for him apparently. Because all I've heard over and over in the last 5 weeks is that he is done, he knows he is done, and he wants to just move forward. I'm still stunned that it's so rushed, and that he will NOT try anything.

He originally said he'd try counseling and would make an effort. Well, I got one week out of him, before he said he knew it wasn't going to matter. No affair (and I believe him).

The last 2 years were full of HUGE stressors for me. My Mom had a mental breakdown the DAY I gave birth to our 2nd daughter. IF any of you have ever dealt with mental illness with a loved one, you know the hell. It has NOTHING on anything physical I've ever dealt with. Anyway, she was in and out of the hospital, totally unable to take care of herself for a year. I'm sure I had some post partum depression during this time, but I was in the mode of trying to help my sister with my Mom. 2 days after giving birth I was in my Mom's hospital room, while my husband was in another area of the hospital with our girls so I could come and nurse. This went on much of that first year. Lots of stress, and emotional heartache, and untreated (in hindsite) depression by me. Then my sister was in a very scary court case (that became public in our state, and was quite stressful). Then my sister moved out of State, I lost my job (not fired ,but the company went out of business), and I lost my favorite Aunt to Alzheimers in January. Yes, a bad last couple of years ,with lots of stressors. And I took much of it out on him. In hindsite, I'd give anything to go back and handle everything better. I mistakingly relied to heavily on my vows, and that he would always be there. I took him for granted and I regret it horrible. He however, NEVER told me in direct terms how h was feeling, that our marraige was in peril etc. Never brought up that we needed counseing, or that he was losing love for me. So I consider him AS "guilty" as me. I so wish he had just said something.

I wish I hated him. I wish I felt the same as him. But I don't. He is a great guy, and a wonderful father. I'm devestated that my dream is ending. That the person I was so sure of would be my partner for life has found me so disposable. In his mind he gave it the last two years, and "tried" Of course in my mind, he was trying alone just to "survive "in something he was totally unhappy in. And THAT is not the same as trying WITH me.

Anyway, I've done ALL the wrong things that I've since learned about in DB. Begged, pleaded, said I loved him, Said "I'll change", begged for the kids sake, had sex. EVERYTHING. And I've seen him become even more resolved.

So I'm now getting ready to to the LRT. I'm so scared, he's just going to be happy, and not get it. He is set that he wants to file this month. Talk about it all happening at lightening speed. And good old Colorado couldn't make divorce any easier. 90 days is all a marriage is worth anymore.

We are currently sleeping separately (he's downstairs) with the intention of trying to stay in the house together for the summer for the girls sake, and to give me a chance to get work (I've been a SAHM for 7 years, with some side independent contract work, but nothing full time) and both time to save money etc. But it's devestating. Not quite sure how the LRT will work with us in the same house. I'm going to try to focus more on my work search, and GAL, and praying for a miracle.

His reaction to this all is just so not the man I know and love though. I'm still just in shock that we don't warrent an effort. I've begged for a week away, a weekend of intensive therapy, a trial separation, I even read about a pastor who recommended people have 30 days of sex, to find each other again. And being that sexual incompatibility was one of our issues ,I even suggested this. I just get the same phrase over and over. "It's not going to matter. I know how I feel. It's not going to change. I'm done". I've never seen him so resolved or stubborn on anything in my life, and it's killing me. I wish he could show some of that resolve to actually working on this.

Anyway, if you've made it that far. That's me in a nutshell right now. Still in love, still can envision my future with him and the girls together, and facing the unimagineable. Just 5 weeks ago, I thought I was in a commited marriage. I still feel like I was just punched in the gut. I don't know when the shock will wear off, but it isn't. Anyway, so anyone with advice, or LRT advice, Lord knows I need it. Thanks.

Chris