Somewhere between my mind and my mouth there must be a screwy filter.
I've got a snarky streak that just borders mean. I mean, a touch of truth makes it funnier, but I've got to pick my spots better.
I guess I'd better give an example or two here.
My h's xOW is significantly older. After reconciling we went to see a movie. The admission price was $5.50 for adults and $4 for kids and senior citizens. Yep, you see where this was going, doncha. I sweetly looked at him and said "Awww sweetie, we'll have to be careful with the entertainment budget now that you aren't getting that AARP discount for your *dates* any longer."
I assume the above example painfully makes my point about that filter thing.
I brought her up. I put her down (and frankly all dec./whatever romances and senior citizens out there, to boot). Lots wrong here. He acted fine and teased me back but it was too late. I'd hurt him.
Just little comments... or quick questions that I didn't have to ask. I'm just being careless. I'm also being a snarky, insecure, bitch.
I started a new thread because I've found myself working things out in my head as I type responses to others. Then the posts get really long. (surprise) But, I feel like I have to say it.
So. New rules for me. No more TJ-ing. I didn't do it on purpose, I seriously haven't tried to breach ettiquette or nettiquete (however it's spelled), I just appear to be really self-absorbed -- or trying to connect somehow and work through all this unchartered territory (myself). Sorry.
I don't want to be that bitter betrayed wife that never let it go....................... and I caught myself today. I thought it'd help me if I wrote it down. If I had someone in cyberspace to answer to, even if no one reads it.
Finally. What I didn't say:
I decided to surprise him on his job site with lunch from his favorite cajun take-out joint.
I had perfect timing. He'd just returned from running errands but hadn't eaten lunch yet. I walked with him to the truck as he set down the package and put his arms around me to thank me.
I glanced over to see a long blonde hair caught in the power window between the glass and rubber thingie. I have long blonde hair. But. So does one of his co-workers. OF course I blurt out, "Hey, hehe, is this hair mine or co-worker's [insert noises that roughly translate to 'haha..j/k..sorta kinda']?"
He laughed (she and I know each other and get along great) and said: "Now you know she's not worthy of my p**^%" [I can't believe he even said that]. Caught himself. Said, "Not worthy of my sweet gentle love making.." Yeah, I know,
The thing is, the reason he caught himself and changed the wording is because he SAW me catch MYSELF before blurting out, "OH! Like (OW) WAS?!?!?!" Now, luckily he didn't know WHAT I almost said. But this is how bad my filters work and how obvious I am WHEN I catch myself. He changed his wording because he was only thinking about me and thought the look on my face was because of his rather crass comment.
I did well. But I still need to not even joke about that stuff in the first place. In RARE circumstances we can still laugh about some of the "crazy" stuff we did in the past few years but it's too much. too soon. and not particularly funny.
I think it's because of insecurity. A rather obvious bid for reassurance. A little underhanded warning that this can NOT happen again.
It's also immensely unattractive and I'm sure I've turned off every male in the vicinity. But today, not my husband, because today, I filtered some of it.
Anyone with ideas how to get better at this, I'd love to hear them. I'm on the Recognize-Try-messup-recognize-Forgivemyself-Tryharder plan.
