Sandi's Here in Piecing from Almost WAW

[sandi2]

Well, first may I say thanks for you asking for my thoughts on this. It is kind of hard since everyone has different personalities and their circumstances may vary. For me, the guilt trip was definitely the wrong way to go b/c it only made me mad and I rebelled worse. If he had told me to choose between him or OM....that is hard to say b/c it would have depended on "how" he approached me about it. I love and respect Dr. James Dobson who wrote a book on Tough Love and I believe we have to use that in many R's...not just M. My stitch was different in some ways b/c it mostly was my financial problems that held me back from completely moving out of the home. He did use tough love in some ways that worked.....for one he told me that if I ever left, there would be no coming back. I knew he meant it. I also knew I could not live here in this town if I left b/c we were known for our position in the church and community and the embarrassment would be too much for me to face. I knew I would have spent most of my time facing people asking me questions or else just starting or acting repulsed. The worse thing was to think I had disappointed so many people that looked up to me and respected me. I knew that leaving my H would destroy what took years for me to build......especially with my own grown children. My mother was so stunned and hurt and disappointed to find out that I had an EA with OM. She told me she would have expected any other person in our family before me. But then she told me that if I ever needed a place to stay that her home was open to me. She said I would always be her child and she would love me no matter what. It still makes me tear up when I remember that night.

My H did not have to remind me of what all I would be doing if I left the M. I probably was worse on myself than anybody else could have been. A big issue also was the fact that I was not in my 20's and 30's any longer, so it wasn't like I could just start over at any time at any place. By the time you start reaching 60, you have to realize that you better start getting serious about retirement years. And, even though the OM had said he would drop everything and fly here to get me and take me back home with him and he would take care of me.......he never mentioned M. He told me he loved me, but he never brought up the word marriage! And, I knew in the very pit of my soul that I really was not in love with the OM. I think I tried to be and wanted to be......but I wanted him to be the way I fantasized about him. He could have been repulsive in real life. We could see each other over the web cam, but it still is not like being together in real life. You can look your best and be on your best behavior over a web cam. It was the fantasy that was feeding my behavior. The OM was feeding my ego and I loved it and didn't want to give it up. So, I believe I did need some tough love used to a point b/c if I had been left alone to let it run it course......I'm not so sure this would not have turned into a very serious sexual addiction for me. If you read the beginning of my stitch, you understand what I mean.

The sad thing was, my H was so hurt, but all I saw was his really bad side....which was anger. He hid his hurt from me and showed his anger and threaten to throw the computer out the back door. He threw the web cam away, etc. That made me feel like a child and that didn't work very well.

Let me back up to the point before my H confronted me about him knowing about my behavior over the Internet. He started smothering me and telling me he loved me just to get me to say it back to him (women know what that is what their H's are doing) and it would make me mad. I felt as though he was suffocating me. I couldn't stand it b/c here he had went for years practically ignoring any needs I had....and had never given me what I yearned for emotionally, and now he was doing a complete opposite.....but it was bad timing. It only made me want to escape from him. I hated my life right then. I wanted to escape. I wanted freedom enough that I almost gave up my home, family, job, church, and M just to get away. That is why I saw the OM as my Knight in Shinning Armour! He was going to rescue me. Most of my H's "tough love" methods did not work very well, except that one he told me about no second chances if I left. But, it was b/c he tried to "catch me" at doing my little thing over the Internet. He snooped and then told me.....to lay a guilt trip on me, etc. That just did not fly with me. If he had ever, ever "exposed" me.....as some H's believe in doing....I would have left this town and never returned unless there was an emergency in the family b/c I would have be so humiliated and it would have made me despise him for the rest of my life....and I told him so.

So, to try to narrow your question down to your list, I would have to say that number 2 is the best. I do think that there should be added to #2 that in some case, boundaries have to be drawn in order to show respect for the S and children in the home. Some women text their OM or take a cell phone call right in front of their H's. That is going too far in MHO!

Well, don't know that I have helped, but I believe in the DB book as still being the best. You can apply those principles without being a doormat and disrespected, but a lot of people don't understand that part. All they see is that the other S is having their cake and eating it too. That's not what DB is all about.

I will come visit your thread. Take care.

Sandi