The decision is made

[ACJ]

I'm beginning to feel very resentful of people who started this journey at the same time as me but who, for their own reasons, chose not to stand for their M. I want the stillness they have.

My Hs infidelity has cost me so much more than my M. My self esteem is gone, (I keep thinking it is returning but it's only transient so not sure it will ever recover), my dream of a happy family is gone (this was so important to me after having such a bad R with my mum for so long) and my S15 is gone. I feel like I'm becoming an empty nester before my time.

S15 made it perfectly clear today he doesn't have time for me. I thought things were picking up as he visited twice today after his exams. I was wrong. My house is just convenient b/c it is nearer to school and therefore easier to see his friends. He just came to use the 'facilities'. I tried to engage him by asking him how he wanted his bedroom decorating. First he told me not to bother b/c he won't be in it most of the time. I pointed out that irrespective of whether he was here or not it needed doing. I told him this was his chance to tell me how he would like it so that when he is here it will be a space he is comfortable in. He said it didn't really matter b/c it wouldn't be him that was doing the decorating anyway. I pointed out that once his exams are finished he is going to have lots of spare time on his hands and so he might enjoy spending some of it decorating his room. He bluntly told me that any spare time he has will be spent on time helping H to build/decorate the extension he is planning to his flat to give S15 a proper bedroom there.

I got visibly upset at this point and he asked me why. I told him that it hurts to know that he has time to spend with his father and his friends and yet no time to spend with me. I don't remember all that was said after that but most of what came out of his mouth wasn't pleasant. I don't think he will be here again for a while.

I don't want to be me anymore