in limbo and an emotional mess...

[MAZ]

After asking H for weeks what was bothering him and knowing it was something (even though he would tell me "nothing" was wrong) H came home a few days after Valentines day back in Feb. and told me what was bothering him. He told me he was in love with OW, BUT still loves me. After the initial anger and pain at that moment thought of my two boys 15 and 12 who were i'm sure listening at the top of the stairs. He then proceeded to call the OW and tell her he just told me about them, this supposedly angered her and H became an emotional mess as she now told him she wanted nothing to do with him. For some reason this prompted me to be the one who was there to comfort him and hold him while he cried to me "about the OW" and all the plans they made. H moved out of our home about 2 weeks later saying he needed time to "think and figure things out" and until he talked to her to find out what happened he didn't know what he was going to do. The month that followed was probably the best that we have had in ages, he was talking to me, although not living at home would stop by and see me and the boys almost daily, and/or call, sending and replying to emails, and sending apologetic txt msgs. almost daily, we probably grew closer in that short month than we had been in a long time. We were to have spent my 40th birthday together, going to lunch alone together while the kids were in school and talking, however the OW chose the day before my b/day to resume talking to H. Needless to say I was stood up on my b/day thanks to the OW. She is now back in his life on a daily basis, yet he still tells me he loves me,,, he doesn't know what is going to happen, and he needs to see "where it goes with her". I feel like I am being a fool,,because I do still love him and want to make things work. We have been married for what will be 18 years on 6/2 and I don't want to give up without doing what I have to and fighting to make him see what he is doing to our boys and our marriage, but no matter what I do I feel like I am playing second to the OW. There are so many details that can follow, my head is reeling. I haven't been able to sleep, eat, or concentrate on anything, taking more than 7 vacation days from work in the last month and 1/2, losing 25 lbs. in this short time, while i do what I have to for our two boys on a daily basis, everyday I break down at some point, I don't know where to go from here...

[whatdidido]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Have you read any books yet? The Divorce Remedy? Not Just Friends? AFter the Affair? Those three books will be very helpful to you. You have come to the right place for help. There are many people on here that will support you and listen to you with open hearts. They have all "been there" is some way, shape, or form.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm sorry you're here, mzul. But you will get a lot of support.

I found out right about this time last year that my 47yo wife was having an affair with her 28 year old personal trainer. In the months ahead, she too confessed to having "love" feelings for both of us.

This will be the hardest and most painful thing you will ever have to go thru, other than -- God forbid -- the loss of a child.

Who else knows about your husband's affair? Is the OW married as well? What have you all tried so far with your husband to get him to give her up and come back to the marriage?

Trust me, if he ends his marriage this way (without even trying), he WILL have serious, long-term regrets. But unfortunately, while he's with the OW, his brain chemicals are so messed up that he can't even see that.

Hugs to you,

Puppy

[MAZ]

thank you for your reply. no I have not read any books as of yet,, I have been reading posts in various forums on this site for days,, and just knowing that it isn't only me and that there are people to talk to is comforting. What makes this even more difficult is I know who the OW is, and never liked her, one of those people you just get that feeling about, can't be trusted. She had begun to reply to text messages from me that were for my H while he was asleep and without his knowledge, telling me to leave him alone, etc. this i did not take, and also countered with H, the problem is he is catering to her just to NOT argue with her,, if he ever did that with me we probably wouldn't be where we are right now.

[MAZ]

I'm sorry to hear about your wife as well Puppy Dog, I don't know what goes through their heads. This is very hard, and I fear what our kids are going through as well. I try not to let them see me upset and my 15 year old is really resenting his father for doing this and has told me numerous times that if he ever sees the OW he will hurt her, I have told H that his grades have seriously slipped in school, and I am worried about him letting this get to him. I told my son not to let what is going on drag him down, that he is a better person than that and that I am here to talk to but in that regard he is like his father, keeps things bottled up inside.

As far as who else knows about the affair at this point a lot of people as he has been letting her use his car, he has brought her to his mothers (who does not approve of the whole situation), and many people in town as he is involved in the town fire dept. and ambulance companies. The OW is not married, however did have a boyfriend who was also my H best friend for about 20 years, she had done this to her boyfriend many times in the past, and also has a son from the last time she did this with someone else, essentially she has "nothing" to offer, no job, no skills, nothing except the time she gave him due to the fact that she doesn't work so her days were free while I was working. As far as getting him to give her up, I have tried to be nothing but a friend to him, to be there to talk to, and just let him know that I do love him and I don't want to see him throw away 20 years and our family only to figure out when its too late what he lost. I dont' feel like he is trying, she monopolizes every minute of every day that she can which doesn't even give him a chance to think about his family and he lets her which is more disturbing. So I agree,, as long as she is in his face 24/7 he can't see anything except this fantasy world with her, a world where I can't see how it can work for them.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

If your mother doesn't approve, why did she allow OW in her home?

"Ambulance companies"????

[MAZ]

not my mother puppy dog,, his mother,, and that was what I was told by H's sister, that his mother said not to bring her there anymore, don't know if she was brought there before his mom found out what was going on or after but it seems they are looking for acceptance and not finding it anywhere is how I understand it. Meant to say ambulance company not companies,,

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Good deal on the MIL; it's good that she is supportive.

I'm still curious as to how he involved an ambulance company in all of this???

[diana in CA]

My heart goes out to you. Without going into to much detail, I can tell you that I understand exactly how you feel and that my situation is slowly improving for both my husband and I (baby steps).

I am amazed that you have been able to handle your situation with understanding in terms of hearing your husband out when he talks to you about the OW.

Here is what has worked for me thus far.
1.I purchased the Divorce Remedy book and implemented the techniques outlined in the book (get this book asap). Read this book over several times.
2.I have kept a journal recording all my triumphs and failures as it relates to improving and winning back my husband. The journal has helped me measure how far I have come in terms of success and it has also served as an outlet.
3.I purchased The Power of The Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian (this has helped me tremendously). This author also has a book of prayer as it relates to your children. I suggest your buy that book also. Pray to God with all your heart and you will start to see changes in your husband. I have been amazed by the power of God and some of the things that God has done to transform me and my husband.
4.Start acting confident and looking good (go to the gym). This was extremely hard for me in the begging because all I wanted to do was lie down in bed and cry, but the more I forced myself to workout, I got more motivated to keep on going.

I don’t know if all the work I am doing will be enough to save my marriage in the end, but I can tell you that at the very least I can walk away knowing that I did all I could to save my marriage and that I will not have any regrets down the road. I am confident I will survive no matter what because God is on my side. I have learned that God comes first and your husband second. I rely on God now and not my husband and that strength radiates through to my spouse.

Hang in there! You will be ok.

Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
(Isaiah 41:10)

[Sugar and Spice]

Mzul I can totally relate to your situation as mine is somewhat similar...the limbo and being his friend and someone to talk to.
My H and I have had some highly innapropriate conversations about his OW and its because we are "friends", but it tears you up inside having to listent to the man you love tell you how he feels about someone that isn't you.

Are you seeking any type of C for you or your boys? If not, please get them in to see someone as soon as you can. This is too much to try and handle along with just being a kid and it might really help you to talk to someone as well. I know this is all new, but have you given any thought to what you want and need?

I am definately not the DB poster child as my threads prove, but I can tell you that you need to start taking care of yourself and your boys. Your H is a big-boy and needs to figure this out on his own. Its not about you, which is sometimes one of the hardest things to understand. As hard as this is you need to eat, sleep and carry on. Find something that you can do with your boys that you enjoy to get your focus off of H and OW and what they are doing and bring the focus onto you.

I'm so sorry you have to be here, but there are many helpful and wise people on these boards that are always willing to lend an ear or give advice.

(((((Mzul)))))