Searching for the truth..for me 5

[phbear316]

SG

I have to say you think its is distain about h and his job. I feel differently. I know his staff fears him and think he is an idol, god like. Some well i should say most are afraid of him.

I never meant it to sound like distain, I feel he put the job first, me second. And i allowed it to happen, i did not fight for my place. where i belonged.

What is the old saying, you can lead the horse to water, but you cannot make it drink. I cannot make him look at me the way he looks at her. In your mind she must look amazing and i look like trash. His heart is closed off to me. I try the little things you have suggested in the past, show a little flirty look, let him see me getting out of the shower. NOTHING..he will not look at me. H leaves the room watches tv or reads the paper, sleeps or pretends to sleep.
So I should beg him to look at me. Lust for me like he lusts for her, no he should want me for me, yearn for me, want me like he used to. Its not going to happen, as long as she is in the picture. See me for me, for who i am

I know what is in my old post, I know how i feel about myself, fat, old, ugly self. But you know what sg. the past month i am beginning to love me, no matter what i look like. I am starting to love me. Loving me for who I am. Looking past my faults, telling me i am good looking, i am working on losing more weigh, i am getting there slowly, but getting there. A month ago i was in such a dark bad place, it frightened me, and i never want to go back there again. Will there be bad days, yes. But i dont ever want to go back there again. I am proud of myself for things i have done, kept my sense of humor, kept up with the gym, gone to work everyday, even when i did not want to or felt i did not have the energy to do so. But i have done it.

You may think I am selfish, maybe so, hardheaded maybe so also. For i have allowed my h for over a year to carry on an affair with another woman, and set few limits and ground rules. My fault ok if you say so. You may be right. I will not argue that point with you.

Pain and sorrow and hurt are in my old posts. A lot of negativity about me, feeling like i could not go on another day with out my h. Its been a year and i am still going on and growing.

Drop the rope i have been told let go. I have started to do that, and now i am wrong in your eyes. I do wish to save my marriage, i really do. But there will have to come a time, that it will not be savable. A step i want to take no, i look at it as a direction that i am standing towards. I have not started moving, just looking down the long road.

I think have come to a point, and starting to think how long am i going to allow him to treat me like this. I count i have feelings. There is happiness out there for me, i have to make it happen, with or without H. I feel i am changing towards yes there is life outside my h.

I dont think that if i was to return to school on monday, (which i have not given up on going to take an online course in a few weeks just deciding which one and college) Got a degree in a year, got a great job more money, lost another 40 pounds, his heart is wrapped up in her. I feel h would look at it as well your too late now. H has shut his heart off to me. I have not to him. Maybe he never really loved me,truly loved me for me. for i find it so amazing you can fall out of love with someone and find someone else and claim you love her now, and want to be with her.
I felt i grew in our marriage, my h did make me a better person, help greatly with my self esteem, my problems reguarding sex, but i guess i did not bloom or become the better person he wanted me to be.

SG i know you are trying to help me, and you have tremendously more than you know, for you think i do not listen to you, do what you say. I do maybe not to the perfect letter but i do. Saving my marriage is still my goal, i am beginning to look ahead for me. For what i want, for where i am going. I don't want to fight with you, you may be right on some things. My mind is open. I know you and others believe our marriage can be saved, so do i, but he is not ready to try again to save it. Will he ever be, i don't know.

I am going away for the weekend for my dad birthday, so i will be back on sunday pm.

hugs
bear