Mediator is a TON cheaper, and more peaceful. I think we could do it with a mediator. He has just been avoiding doing any work (Hi SallyM!) regarding the D he so wants. After Sunday's fight, I am pretty sure he'll go to an appt with me. I am scared to ask. I am just scared in general, I guess.
I am mortified to be married to a person who is constantly living a single life in one way or another. I am lonely and though I know a new R isn't anywhere in my near future, I think I would be less lonely if I worked through the pain of this divorce, and moved on, on my own.
Wow lwb....did you take the words from most of our heads or what?? I especially relate to you saying that you know a new R isn't in your near future but that moving on would help.
I'm sorry that you're living with all this. You need to do what you feel comfortable with.
Have a good day!
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Just read your post.. ya know you have to do what you feel you are ready for. But I think you are MORE ready than you give yourself credit for. A mediator may be the answer.. I would set it up, you can always cancel, but do you really want to do that?
I see you getting on with your life and finding someone down the road who will appreciate you and love you as you should be. I think that him moving out was the first step and unless you think he is wanting to fix the M, you need to go forward. Why drag it out, that will only be more heart wrenching for you. Just my .02.
(((((((hugs)))))))
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
So, here I am. Running up really close to the 'deadline' I gave H. I told him he needed to come to a mediation appt with me before the end of May, or I would hire an atty. He keeps avoiding me. I regret giving this deadline, but canNOT 'back' out of it, can I? I am sure he remembers it. What do I do?
I see his actions. He is making plans for his life, and they don't include me. I see him distancing himself from me, by staying mostly business (kids/$ talks only). There comes a time right? I hate limbo. I am mortified to be married to a person who is constantly living a single life in one way or another. I am lonely and though I know a new R isn't anywhere in my near future, I think I would be less lonely if I worked through the pain of this divorce, and moved on, on my own.
lwb, no need to back out if you don't want to...if you are unsure and want some wiggle room, tell him exactly what I told H...give him the name/number of the mediator and tell him that since this was his ballgame, you feel like its important that he make the call. HE can set up the appt.
now, if you are truly ready to end your marriage, that is different.
and yes, I understand the embarrassment. and I understand how impossible it is to move forward in your own life, at least in regards to another relationship, while still M. some do fine with that, I didn't.
as for the new life stuff, he is trying to figure things out and I truly believe that stuff is about HIM, not about you. he likely isn't even thinking in terms of it.
keep doing what you are doing my lwb. you are an amazing, wonderful woman. a constant inspiration to me.
mwah!
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
I am scared to ask. I am just scared in general, I guess.
I know this feeling all too well, but in no way are you 'just scared in general'... you model incredibly strong behavior to us all the time!!
I think SallyM makes good points...if you aren't sure what you are ready to do, you can give ownership of the process back to H. 'Cause you can always change your mind and move forward at any time.
I've wondered about mediation...when the time comes, I really don't want to engage a real bulldog-type attorney (don't want the expense or the adversarial sitch...), but H is so used to being able to roll over me that i'm not sure how i would do with just a mediator. How does that work in MO?
I've wondered about mediation...when the time comes, I really don't want to engage a real bulldog-type attorney (don't want the expense or the adversarial sitch...), but H is so used to being able to roll over me that i'm not sure how i would do with just a mediator. How does that work in MO? L2
Have you looked at something called Collaborative Divorce? I've been looking at that here in MN. It's supposed to be cheaper than an atty or a mediator. It's also supposed to be better for the kids. If you and your H are in a position where neither really wants a fight, it's a good option. It's almost like a group of people.....an attorney for both sides, financial planners, counselors....etc. They all get involved to the point that you needed them to be. The attorneys of course are totally involved. I don't know if I agree with the term....."friendly divorce", but that's what they kind of bill it as. I know none of us want to think of divorce, but it might be an option. Just an idea of something to look.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
I see that your heart is telling you one thing and your head is telling you another. That's hard isn't it?
Thanks yoyo for understanding. I just don't know what to do (file or let it be for a bit longer). Maybe I shouldn't do anything til I know for sure...
Quote:
I think that him moving out was the first step and unless you think he is wanting to fix the M, you need to go forward. Why drag it out, that will only be more heart wrenching for you. Just my .02.
Getting him to move out was seriously the best thing I did in this entire mess. The peace that followed FAR outweighs the pain of missing him. And yes, you are right, I need to see that he isn't anywhere near wanting to reconcile.
Journaling:
Had super fun times with D's this weekend. They won 2 fish at a carnival yesterday and thought it was soooo amazing. I gently explained they were 'carnival fish' and might not be very healthy, so they were thrilled to see they survived the night.
H continues to be kind and respectful after our blow up. I had a ROUGH Friday morning. Was in a bad/sad place and saw OW at school for the first time in a long time. She was there with her dad (who condoned the A) and they spent a lot of time looking at me. I ignored them and tried to enjoy the morning. Both girls were clingy/tired so that was hard. Finally broke down, cried quietly on the way home and made a counseling appt for the afternoon.
Therapist turned my day around. Let me cry, let me talk, then reminded me I can't change the past, can't control the future, but I can live in the day and appreciate what I have. Drove home feeling so much better, and really had a nice weekend. H stopped by both nights, but I remained light and peaceful.
H rifled through my purse last night. ??!!! I also received a text from a friend (Hi SallyM!) and he is convinced I am having sex. Went like this:
H: That your man?
Me: No man.
H: Oh whatever, you know you are having sex.
Me: I won't be having sex again until I am in a loving, trusting relationship.
H: (quiet). Well, all you would have to do is walk up to a guy and say 'I need sex' and you would get it.
Me: I could ask you for it if that's all I wanted.
H: True
Oh and therapist mentioned to have my paperwork ready (for mediation), but no need to bring it up by the end of May if I am not ready. But he H approaches me, be prepared and don't fight it. That's what I'll do for now.
