Thanks, Mark. As always you give me some good things to think about and act on. I'm going to get that video, and I'll be sure to watch it alone.
You are right that I should have made my H more of a partner in the decision of what to do about the letter, etc. It's kind of strange, really. My H says he trusts me, and I really see that he does. He knows that I will never do it again and that I will always tell him if OM contacts me. He knows I will do the right thing. I really feel like the "trust building" is something we don't need to focus on as much as others. I know that seems strange, but he knows me....he knows I am extremely remorseful. In fact, if it weren't for me reassuring him on my own, he would never ask me to. In fact, if anything, I seem to be all of the sudden worried he will do it back to me. It's all in my head.
The thing he has the most trouble with are the flashes of thought with me and the OM, and working on our marriage as a whole. He was pretty guilty himself during the last 3 years. He, unlike the rest of the men on here, did NOTHING to try to save our marriage the last 3 years up until about 4-5 months ago. He didn't know I was having an A. We barely talked. He moved out. He was more upset about the change it made in his schedule...not about being away from me. He came to the home every day to be with son, I usually left or went upstairs. Then, when son went to bed, he pretty much left. It became his new routine. You can see how things happened. He knows he is equally at fault. What I did is a sin and the ultimate in betrayal, but what he did was pretty awful as well. He knows this. I had told him over and over what I needed/wanted. He did nothing. I realize that telling him didn't communicate the way he needed me too, but goodness. He didn't tell me anything he needed. He tells me now that he was waiting for me to come to him. Power struggle? For 3 years? He knows he is passive-aggressive. He finally went to a counselor and the counselor helped him see that he needs to do something. He finally did. Because he did, I was finally able to "come back to him". Why didn't I go to him? Work at it and work at it? I should have. I should have forced him to go see a counselor sooner. I should have told him before I had an affair and tell him that I was close to having one. There are many things I should have done. But, at the time, it felt like I had done everything to tell him over and over what I needed and he didn't do anything. He put everything else in front of me. I was last on his priority list. Anyway, to say all of this doesn't really help I guess. I had the A, and I shouldn't have. Now, not only all of the other many problems we have, we now have the A to deal with on top of it all. But, I try to look at it as a wake up call, and I hope that after retrouvaille, we will be able to move forward and be happy.
I still worry about the feelings I have for him. I feel, at times, that I married him so long ago because I knew he would be a good Dad, provider, my parents would like him, Catholic, etc. I don't remember the "in love" phase with him being very strong. I remember it being fun and exciting and new. But, not the passion, etc. I always felt as if something was missing from Day 1. The thing that held us together was our belief in no divorce basically. I'm hoping I'm wrong, and lately, as the OM gets less in my thoughts I do see feelings emerge , as little as they are. I love so many things about my H. I just wish we had something to look back on. We both have said we dont have any memories to try to get back to. We just never had that passionate, love stage.
Ok, this is getting long.
I'd appreciate any thoughts anyone has about this. Or , even reiterating things that have already been said. Sometimes I just need to hear things over and over to believe/understand them.
