SF, I admire your religious beliefs and the power you place in them. However there must be something more tangible that you could do as well in order to help your H. What is it he struggled with most during his recent attempt to return? I know he said a lot of things bothered him but WHAT EXACTLY was it and what can you and your family to do change it should he come home again?
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
I think you may have missed what I had stated in previous posts.
There is nothing we can do. He is dealing with an enormous amount of guilt and it is eating at him. It is easier for people such as he to run away from those he has hurt as it pains him. He is aware that he has been forgiven. The struggle is guilt.
It is not us who can pave the way for an easier return as we have done our part. It is he who has to get thru the rest of this journey because he is not done just yet.
Last edited by steelersfan; 05/16/0801:17 PM.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I believe that, SF, I believe that guilt can prevent people from taking a good path.
In my own situation I struggle with that question - how can I make this easier for her?
Some odd comments from her over the months:
- "you don't think I deserve my life". This was the day after mother's day, I had given her some nice gifts with the kids. She spoke with anger and accusation in her voice.
- When we first separated she suggested that I go and have an affair. "It's your turn." Almost like that would even the score. This struck me as really weird - I didn't see how it would help me get closer to my wife, so I recoiled from the idea. I didn't verbally reject it, but I told her I was not interested in an affair, I was interested in monogamy. She was upset by this. The way it played out seemed to just pushed her guilt buttons. I didn't intend it but that's what happened I think.
- At one point later she accused me of being unfaithful during our marriage. She asked me 6 different ways if I had slept with someone else during our marriage. I kept telling her NO. In the end she was reluctant to believe me. She said "Well I know you wouldn't lie about this. But I still don't trust you." It was surreal. She didn't trust ME? After all her secret phone calling cards and secret email accounts? I think her women's support group has her convinced that I fit into a pattern - I am an abuser - and 98% of the time abusers also are unfaithful.
So far the best I have come up with is to go on with my life. In the beginning I think her guilt was accentuated by my personal hurt. When I showed that I was hurt (not on purpose, but hey, I was hurt, it comes out) she felt more guilty.
So at this point if I can just go and live my life as well as I can, maybe we can put this behind us. Maybe the guilt goes away over time.
I'm interested in other ideas...
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
I think you may have misunderstood ACJ. I don't think she was saying there was anything you could do FOR your H to help him through this, but rather something you could do for YOURSELF and help your kids to do to make home life smoother.
Yes, your H has to work on himself with God's help. No, there is nothing you can do to help him through his journey, but there ARE things you can do.
I do not believe that God wants us to be passive in our situations. I think he wants us to follow his directions, but most times that involves DOING something other than merely praying.
Last time your H came home he complained about the money and about the kids not helping out around the house etc. Maybe now, while he's gone would be a good time to work some of those problems out.
I realize getting teenagers on board is not an easy task, but it is doable. Ask for some help from someone that has experience with teens and getting them to help out. Develop a household plan to make things run more smoothly that they help with and agree with.
See if there is something you can do from home to make extra money. I take surveys on the internet. Sounds hokey, but I can make about $100 or so a month for an hour or less a day. Not much, but it does come in handy and I never have to go anywhere to do it.
I think that's what ACJ meant. Figure out YOUR life. Let your husband be. Continue to pray for him. All those things are good, but don't be totally passive about your situation. Your H gave you some good stuff while he was home of things he would like to see. Yes, right now he's in "blame" mode and nothing will satisfy him, but maybe when he comes back and he's done with his journey, your efforts to meet some of his needs will go a LONG way toward restoration.
Figure out YOUR part in this marriage and what YOU can do to make it easier and do that. Let God work on your husband and let God help you work on yourself.
BFM
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
Things have been pretty good here at home. Here, we have reality--teenagers, summer break, etc. etc.
I am FINE!! I am content!! I have done and continue to do with my marriage what God would want me to do--unconditional love, forgiveness, patience. H knows all of this, too.
I am in the process of getting a summer job and have my regular job to fall back on in August should nothing pan out.
My husband and I work together to ensure that the kids get their chores done.
I have figured out my life and I am content right now.
By the way, he really is not in "blame mode" as he and I have always agreed that the kids could stand to do more around here.
Actually, he has been very complimentary toward me.
Last edited by steelersfan; 05/16/0802:32 PM.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Steelers, (Quote) "I no longer view this as something horrible he has done to our family but rather something God is having us go through for reasons not known to us at this time. ANd I no longer tell him the door is always open for him to return. [/quote]
what you said above has me baffled are you actually saying the God caused this to happen so you and your family could suffer for a reason you don't yet know? I can think of absolutely no scripture to back this up or that God would cause your H to Live and Sleep with another woman for the greater good. If you are happy with this arrangement that is fine, but it seems whenever people offer you advice you always have an answer for them as to why it wouldn't work or you have no need to try to work on you.
All that Butterfly said with regard to what you say your H complained about when he made a brief return now seems to not be a problem. If that is the case and you are indeed fine and content with your situation, maybe putting just journalling in the title might give others a clue that you do not need help or advice. I note you never altered your sig. line to include H moving out again.
Your patience amazes me, but I suspect you are content to just have a part time H. I worry that this is sending wrong messages to your children tho, but no doubt that is covered too,do they believe that this is God's doing as well?
Oh my--I think you have taken out of context what I was trying to say.
No, it is not right to commit adultery but there are plenty of instances in the Bible where God has allowed people to suffer--it is everywhere in the Bible and yes, part of His plan is for us to experience suffering--look up the word suffering in the back of a Bible and you will see many references.
The Book of Peter is a good one with regard to suffering and David suffered, Job did and many, many others.
No I am NOT content in having a part time husband but he must get thru this jounrey on his own like so many others who have done this.
I think you have some very different opinions and views from what I do so we will just leave it at that.
No, I have not changed my signature line as I have not had time to think about that. That is not a big deal to me as other things are more important.
I am allowing God to do HIS work and if I attempt to alter what He is trying to do then I hinder His plan(s).
This is out of my hands and God is totally in control and there is nothing passive about that.
Like I said, I do not think you get everything I have attempted to say but that's okay.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Sorry I sent the post before finishing. I do hope I am wrong on all counts and I know what works for some does not work for others. We can only do what we feel is right in our own hearts. I just cannot believe that God cause,s spouses to walk away for us to suffer. I do believe that we all have free will and can choose what we do but that is not the same as God bringing it about. I wish you well.
I dont know exactly what is the scripture, but the Bible does speak of that there is consequences to breaking even ONE of His commandments, this even though you repent and do a complete turn around. Consequences are seen not only in the guilty but it can pass down thru family.
