that's what my therapist said. it's like in every way we're still functioning as a married couple except we don't live together and he's sleeping with someone else.
Still a bit sick. I slept some. It's hard because I have to pick up d5 in a few hours and it's really hard getting her to bed these days. h picks her up tomorrrow. I get so anxious before he comes. I haven't called or emailed him all day. yeah for me, believe me. I just don't have the energy anymore. My friends are now going from, "Mary, he's going to get over this, I just can't see him truly wanting to end the marriage", to "Mary, it looks like you need to move on". So depressing.
so guys, I'm on day 3 of Real DB'ing. no snotty remarks, no threats, no crying, no calling and no emailing. it's actually been a pretty drama fee week (with regards to h).
and now I'm really feeling it. almost 3 months since I don't love you bomb, 2 months since I found out about affair and 1 month since he's been out of the house. I know he is with OW during the week (he doesn't technically live with her, I know where he is living, I've been there, he's renting a room from a retired professor).
I miss him so much. Even after all the gross things he has done and shown me these past months, I miss him. I'm on zoloft, going to therapy, etc. these things help, but who am I kidding? I just want him to come home. I know this will change over time, but it's so hard when there is a child involved. in the past, a break-up (I was previously married also, no kids) was horrible, but now it seems so much harder because I still have to have contact with him because of d5. just seeing him adds more salt to the wound.
I had a long conversation with an old friend of my mom and dad's. her h of 30 years left her for a much younger woman and it was horrible -- 4 kids, whole nine yards. This was years and years ago. We talked for a long time. Of course she said I will get through it. She actually became this really successful executive after (went back to school) and made a great life for herself. she's an inspiration.
Anyway, I'm looking at db'ing like going to AA (I'm not an alcoholic), but I like the "counting days" thing they do. So I'm on "DAY 3" of DB'ing. there is really nothing else I can do at this point. I've tried everything else even when I knew better (I would even say in my head, I'll beg him just this one last time and DB tomorrow, I swear to god!!).
Anyway, had to journal a bit. I love everyone here and I don't know what I would do without this board.
also I have a major question to ask. I'm VERY uncomfortable with d5 around OW (not sure if this has happened, h is fully aware that this is unacceptable to me as she is too young, this is still too new and she is having a VERY hard time with her daddy not being here every day).
So my lawyer on Monday is going to draw up the paperwork for (I don't know the exact document, but it is filed in family court and it basically barres any contact from my daughter and OW). If h is caught he will be arrested and will be hauled into family court with reduced visitation or supervised visitation. I know this sound way harsh, but you don't know the problems I've had with her these last months. she's hitting kids in school, crying daily in school for her father, social services was called and there is an open investigation on us (it's about to be closed because I totally cooperated and then some).
Anyway, should I go through with this? H thinks I am doing it (I told him). should I just drop it? what are your thoughts?
thanks for posting on my thread. You said 6 months is a lot, huh? Well let me tell you something, time flies when you are having fun!!!
I am not very familiar with your sitch. I have been lurking from time to time, but I read almost all threads and I get data mixed up.
All I wanted to say to you is that you should consider yourself lucky you have found this site early enough. Don't count days, try to organise your life with your D and leave him out. Think of yourself as a single mom. I know it's hard.I still try to remind myself that I will probably raise my kids alone, but it's something you need to do to detach and free yourself of the constant thoughts about your sitch that will drive you crazy and make DBing difficult. What I had to do is make myself "numb". Kill the anger, the resentment, the major guilt I felt in the beginning. It all comes back from time to time but my everyday life is so much better than it was when I was crying all day and feeling miserable and hoping I would die. My kids were my ONLY motive to go on.
I am happy to report that me and H have a solid friendship R right now which I hope can evolve to a new R in the near future. Time has been on myside until now although recently my patience is getting less and less.
I "turned myself around" in one night. I thought "this is NOT what I want for me and my kids". My C told me once "you dont want your kids to say about you in the future "poor mom, she raised us but her life sucked!!!"". She said "what kind of role model do you want to be for them, a fighter or a quiter?". the answer is obvious.
Hang in there, I know you won't believe me but things will get better.
BTW, I don't know the story with the OW and D, but I wouldn't do that with the paper. It's an aggressive gesture. Sorry if I am way off here, but what if you talked to him and explained how you feel about it and tell him what your lawyer advised but tell him you thought such a paper could be avoided if he agrees with you not to bring D in contact with the OW.
kalni, thanks so much for your response. your advise about the paper is excellent and that is exactly what I'm going to do.
It really does get better? I just can't see that right now. I just keep thinking that OW is so fab and I was such a horrible wife (his words) and that's it. I know, I know, don't listen to him and GAL and DB.
This is literally forcing me to "grow up". I'm going back to school in August, having to take care of a household, etc. h took care of all the little things I didn't even realize, like buying toilet paper!
the main thing I miss are just the little family moments. when isabella does something funny and it becomes a private joke between h and I. small things. How our kid who is 5's, favorite song is Psycho Killer from the Talking Heads. So funny.
oh, god, please help me! h is coming over in an hour to pick up d (I'm beginning to hate fridays and sundays -- pick up and drop off days). please help me db, please help me db, please help me db!
Hey you-- I've seen you reaching out and posting to others lately. It's sooo nice to see the growth in you.
I'm sorry my "story" made you cry :`( (((Maryangela)))))
It wasn't the db-ing story though sweetie, it was the before and after.
It was also directed to someone looking for answers that I looked for myself. There were times, in the "db story", the middle one, when I seriously had to consider that when I "dropped the rope" he would either sail off into the sunset and take the easy way out or hang himself with it-- taking the easy way out. I neither respected nor was "in love" with the man I saw him become in the latest years of our marriage.
That's the tough line between detaching lovingly and detaching--um--*un-lovingly*.
That wasn't meant to get people in your stage to beat themselves up, MA.
While "DB-ing", I saw parts of the whole in stages, you know?
At the point I truly saw myself I knew I had to work on myself for ME, my kids, and my future. I really didn't believe he had it in him to step up and do what it'd take for us to make it.
It just was a start, when I was trying to save a marriage I wasn't sure I wanted because I knew I had to try my best. This website convinced me it was the "right" and "just" thing to do.
The "best" I could do was change for the better and that's all anyone can do. This happens to all of us at some point in life. For me it was later. You young'uns learning all this now make me envious.
Throughout many relationships (outside these type of sites) people work these conflicts out in healthy ways. Or ignore them indefinitely. Or just divorce and rinse and repeat with their next relationships.
This site shows mostly those that didn't work it out in a very conventional manner. We're the good ones though MA, at least we care. Lots of people don't.
Too little too late? Maybe. Maybe for the marriage, but not for us.
Changing just to get him back? You betcha. It's the least I could do. At first. Then you change because it's right for you. The changes in behavior turn into part of your heart. Who you are.
I see a huge difference in your level of self awareness and giving since you've started posting. Seriously.
