Searching for the truth..for me 5

[phbear316]

SG

I totally have to disagree with you 100+%. I promise you, swear to god that I do not have distain for his desire to move up. I just cannot believe that you posted that.

I have done nothing but stand with him support him from when we started to go out, he decided he did not want to just be an emt, he wanted to better himself, be a paramedic. He was 20 yrs old, new to a job, and lived at home, which he just had to move back home to with his mother cause he could not afford to live on his own.

I gave him the money to go to medic school. I also switched cars with him, so he would have a better car to drive up and down to school with. This all happened before we were engaged.

H finished medic school, and passed the state test two months before we were married, in fact the day we got married he did not have a full time job I did. He did not get employment till six months later. Every sunday h would work 16 hrs, i would cook dinner for him and his multiple partners, cause i wanted and it meant a lot to me to have dinner with him. Even to this day if h as to ride the truck for the 7pm shift, I make it a point to come home to have dinner with him.

Six years ago, h and i were down the shore with some friends and we all went to a palm reader. She told h that he was going to get a new job in a white shirt. Well later that week the clinical coordinator at the time, resigned his position and h applied and got the job.

What i gave up for him, nights on call, weekends lost to work issues, holiday missed. Vacations postponed. I sat back to let him flower, to do the job he wanted to do. During this time h also decided he was going to go to nursing school. I supported him 100%. To this minute he has not completed his degree. He was required to get a degree when he was placed in the clinical position. he bought a degree in healthcare administration. I supported him in it.

I always listen to the issues he has, problem children he has to deal with. Going out the door at 1 am. Dinners interupted to go to the hospital to deal with a overdosed employee, or drunk employee. I to even did things for h and his staff. I cooked lunches for bike courses that were held to train them to be bike medics. I joined the bike team as a volunteer and for two years in a row, was the sole support person for 800+ mile bike trips from boston,ma to ronaoke, va in memory of two people we knew personally who died on 911, for their induction into the ems memorial. I gave up weekends to and summer holidays to do bike events, to provide water, and support and food.

Two weeks ago, h was told his boss, the director of the unit has decided to resign his position due to health issues. When h called me to tell me, after getting over the concern of his boss, I said to h, i asked h if he was going to apply, he said yes, I said, i can not see them interviewing anyone else, for you have done the job in the past, done it well. There is really no one else on staff to do the job but you. What was his answer, a cold yea i guess.

I for two weeks have been telling h, you can do this job, it would be good for you. H has voiced his concerns i have listened and validated, given positive support. I told him if he goes for it, great don't see him not getting the job, if he does not get the job he will still have his current one and I am proud in which ever job he is in. He knows this for I have told him this.

Even when h called this afternoon, after the vm of i'm going out, we discussed why h had to work tonight, I told h that he would make the right decision for himself and the unit if he had to deny someone a certain schedule.

So I guess in a way i have destroyed this marriage by putting him first. Being the proud wife, standing behind him supporting him thru and thru. There were so many times i wanted to go out to a movie or do something but i would get i'm tired and i would let him sleep, because i always felt his job was the most important thing for his happiness, and his success. Not mine. I sacraficed me and lost who I was. I am beginning to see that now.

I find to so painful that you think i did do not believe in him and what he wants in his career. I hurt so bad for nest thursday night, it is his big hospital awards dinner, where h is going to host, they have a special tribute planned with a plaque for his boss that is leaving. Know what , i am not invited to go. For the last two years suddenly i cannot attend. But i will bet you every penny i have, she will be there.

So i guess my h can be ruled by sex, the thought of children, cause he does not have either of that with me. BY HIS CHOICE. not mine. Not mine. Fill his heart. I am trying, his heart is behind a stone wall that he has built to keep me out.

No I don't know what she looks like. I don't think i want to know, some days yes some not so much.

Play what game with appearances, she wears scrubs at work, I at least dress in business clothes most of the time.

I don't know what to do to fill his heart, I don't have an answer anymore. I thought all that i did in the past filled his heart, i guess it never did.

I don't know how much time is on my side SG, i really don't. Finances are starting to become separated.

Your right he won't fill my heart, for he does not want to.

I hope maybe your perception is a little clearer of what I did do. Maybe it really was not enough. I did the best i could and i did what i knew how to do. If i was wrong, then i was wrong. Somewhere h has to take some part of responsibility for this falling apart. I am tired of hearing him say, i abandoned him, did not love him the right way he wanted to be loved, lack of sex, and no children, my staying in my job for so long and not bettering myself, no friends, wanting to spend time with him. Its starting be a broken record, one i am starting to get tired of listening to.

If h and her fall apart, and he decided he wants to come back to try to work on a new marriage with me, he has to turn the record over to the other side B. Side A is worn out.

For the first day i came here SG, you were one of the first people to email me and since then have given me great advice and strength to keep on going. I may not do everything to the letter you say i should do, but i take it all in and adjust it to my situation here in my home, for what works for me. It hurts that you think what you think, but i still admire you and have no hard feelings.

hugs
bear