Thanks for the welcome and the optimism. I agree the labels have limitations. I have read SSW. I think i'll start it again tonight. To answer your question:
Initial major change was moving back to the US. Initial body change was loosing weight (healthy-slim to way-too-skinny), but H said that was not a problem, and i got back to normal after just a few months.
Other things I've tried: I've tried doing "180" several times. I'd do a 180 and pretend it didn't bother me to be in a SSM. I'd act happy, etc. Then he'd just act even more "blindsided" when, after a few months nothing changed and I couldn't pull off the act any more. In fact if i'm even marginally functional in my overall life, he cites this as part of why he thinks it's not a problem. When i bring it up, he'll say "You're just being emotional right now, you're not unhappy ALL the time". (his exact words, many times)!!
More recently, now that the above 180 has actually taken hold (i truly am shut down to intimacy), he doesn't like it and wants to "fix it". It seems to be a real conundrum. If i could just change and get over it, we'd have a chance. But i guess he'd have to change too or we'd be back where we started (ML 5x/year).
Wow, that's it! - that's what i need to (start to) get unstuck! - to see "actual actions" from him that give me optimism that things will be different - then i could take the risk. i think he would at least try the therapist. I could ask...
