Hi whatdidido....looks like I missed some crises. My apologies.
Anyhow. I will toss out some points that were touched on or haven't been :
1. I mentioned Not Just Friends by Shirley Paige a short time ago, and I suggested that along with Divorce Remedy, good to see you picked it up..its a book worth keeping.
2. If the OM tries to contact you again, save the communication and turn it over to the OM immediately. NEVER contact the OM even to tell him to stop contacting you.
If you DO that and your husband catches you, then you are back at SQUARE ONE and the climb is a LOT steeper. NEVER NEVER NEVER have a private communication with the OM EVEN if you PLAN to tell your husband the whole thing later. Your husband will be TOO HURT TO TRUST that you would have told him and he likley wont give you a chance to prove it.
You took a SERIOUS risk talking to the OM without letting your husband in the loop..please NEVER do that again!!! I KNOW your heart was in the right place, but that is a VERY SERIOUS RISK you took, you are just VERY LUCKY your husband didn't catch you before you told him. If your husband had walked in and saw you having that coversation, that may have been the END of your MARRIAGE, RIGHT THERE.
I had a talk with my gf about this, she insists the OM is "just waiting", but the OM is talking to her all the time. The OM KNOWS he's interfering and terrorizing our home, the OM KNOWS he's a huge influence on her. YOUR OM should have signed off as soon as he found out you went back to your husband. He NEVER should have written that letter. He's interfering, even if you were still separated and confused.
As soon as a separated person even HINTS that they are having doubts about leaving the affair partner must LEAVE and NEVER contact the spouse again until all contact with husband is over and the divorce is final.
Sorry but the OM again should not have written any letter, he put your marriage at risk writing it and he KNOWS it. He never should have had the convo with you on IM. If you drop out of contact with him, he needs to just find out safely some how through athird party or something wher eyou are at.
Sorry, but this guy really is trouble and he needs to realise that. Him pushing for closure like this almost put your marriage and your family into a grave.
The BEST way to communicate to the OM is as a COUPLE. ANY letters you send theOM should be written with full visibility of your husband and read and signed by both of you. NO PERSONAL commentary in there. Just write "we wish no further contact..." etc Always use "we" and sign both names at the bottom.
Your husband must view your efforts as a couple and you two must face him and any interference by him as a couple. If your husband does not WANT to read the letter then at least let him KNOW you are writing it as a couple and putting both names on it.
Sending the OM messages as an individual sends the OM mixed signals, ESPECIALLY done in SECRET you silly girl... lol
When you send the OM a secret message like you did, you are telling him you stil have feelings, that he's special and that you still have some love for him etc. You CANT DO THAT or your marriage is in SEROIUS jeapoardy.
Sorry, I know your heart is in the righ tplace, but NEVER do that again.
As far as your husband wanting to know when you think about the OM.
I would suggest you ask him to talk to his counsellor about that. I would also ensure this counsellor is solution oriented and is using the approaches in "Not Just Friends"...his counsellor could be counterproductive here...Michele Davis has said herself that marriage therapy can do a LOT of damage if it isn't pursued wisely.
If I were you I would tell him "I will tell you if he contacts me, but other than that I would rather try to focus on YOU, my husband. I am not trying to hide anything, but the more we focus on that, the further we are from a happy marriage. Please let me move forward and love you as much as I can. Talking about unpleasant things makes them more unpleasant doens't it? That life is DONE and OVER, its never coming back.
What I CAN do is come to you and love you if things get difficult for me, so know that I am coming to you when I need someone. I don't have thoughts of him, only of regrets and the time we lost, but I am happy now, and I am thankful that we have each other again. I will feel sad from time to time for a short while, but I love you, and my sadness is only for what we missed, but what we now have back."
Anyhow something like this above would be good I think.
I think rather than just looking at it as "thinking about the OM", look at HOW you are thinking of him, and share THAT part.
if you are thinking about the OM, push yourself to think in ways that make your husband your source of romance, and the OM the intruder to that thought instead. You just have to PUSH yourself, but you can do it.
I am trying to understand what your husband meant when he asked you to tell him when you are thinking about the OM. I am trying to understand in what context this makes sense.
1. He means that he wants COMPLETE warning when you are having any doubts about your marriage so you go to your husband first and don't get lead astray...I like this one, it makes sense in this way.
2. He means he wants to know where HE stands with you relative to the OM. He wants to know you love him MORE than the OM and is using how frequently you claim to think about the OM to gauge how you feel about your husband. Its good to know where one stands, but this isnt' a goodway to gauge how you feel. Again try to let your husband know how frustrated you feel and how happy you are that you have found again what you lost for a short time.
3. He may be feeling vulnerable and still doenst' trust you, so he wants to know what's in your head at all times. Again, being fully transparent and an open book to him is what he needs to trust you again. If you tell him you are fantasizing about the OM that won't help either of you.
He just wants to know he can trust you...so tell him the only times you think about the OM are thoughts of what was lost, which fade over time. He wants you to be an open book, then be the open book, but you choose HOW you open it for him ok? Don't just blurt what comes to mind...think about what he's looking to hear.
Those are some ideas as to what he meant by that request...again read NJF it has TONS of great ideas on how to heal a broken marriage.
In addition to the book, i would rent "Unfaithful", its a great film that came out in 2002. It has Richard Gere and Diane Lane in it. Do NOT share this with your husband...have a girls night with some female friends and rent this or something...do NOT share this with your husband, it will upset him, but it WILL HELP YOU get past the OM...guaranteed. Go spent the night with some female friends...call in to your husband and let him know where you are, that you are thinking of him etc...call him lots.
But find some time to get to see that film but DON'T expose your husband to it. That would NOT help you...educational film for affair participants, bad for the betrayed spouse. You will see in the film how both you and your husband are victims of an affair, and how intrusive the OM in affairs really is. Watch it as soon as you can.
