In the success stories, you will see that w/o rough patches most couples just coast along, they get complacent. The rough patches make us think about what is important. The rough patches force us to work on ourselves. They make the future R better if it survives.
Him not wanting to end the conversation is good. It means he misses talking to you. It means he is thinking about what he is missing out on.
A little mystery might not be a bad thing - i.e. not picking up the phone 100% of the time. You sound like you have made incredible strides in the last 6 weeks.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
It is funny, it's not that I don't pick up the phone on purpose but I was busy today at work and couldn't, over the weekend I was exhausted and went to take a nap on Saturday so I shut the ringer off and missed the call. We proceeded to play phone tag all day. I have spent so much time trying to chase him down that it is exhausting and I am not sure how I got past these 7 months. But it seems that once I have decided to give him the space, he is coming to some conclusions.
So I continue...
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I have ordered the book, but something tells me this is going to be different than anything I have read, just from the postings. Am i right?
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Yep. It's gonna make you think about yourself and your R in ways you never have. It's gonna make you change yourself into a better person. It's gonna make you do things differently.
Michele is gonna tell you to do more of what works, and stop what doesn't. She is gonna tell you that the ends justify the means - even when it feels like you are being a bit manipulative.
There is no religion, there is very little talking, it's all about ACTIONS to save your M.
It takes 3-5 readings to really sink in. It takes a lot of struggle to adapt it to your individual situation. But the rewards are priceless.
Originally Posted By: SDFoundGirl
JenJam's Top Ten DB Tips:
1. Don't panic. No-one ever made a great decision when in panic. You WILL panic, it's natural, but take NO ACTION when you are in that state. You have to do whatever it takes to calm down before you can tackle ANYTHING.
2. Don't depair. No-one ever got divorced in a week. Divorce, although too easy these days still take time. you DO have time to turn things about.
3. You first step is not to rebuild your R. Of course it's your ultimate aim but it's not going to happen first. Your very first step is to put the seed of doubt in WAS's mind. They have been unhappy and they consider D to be the answer. It's your job to show them that maybe there is an alternative. And I stress show. There is little you can do to talk them out of this beyond sympathising with their unhappiness and saying that IF D will make them happy then you won't stand in their way. If they are receptive to that, you could go further and say something like "we have had many good times together. Please think about this and make sure it really will make you happy. It's a lot to throw away".
4. Once you have said this back off and let them consider it. They need time. Your next step is GAL - no begging, crying or anger AT ALL. Your task is now part 2 of sowing the seeds of doubt about D - SHOWING WAS that things can be different. Now is the time to step back, put aside your ego and all thoughts of how unfair it all is (that just leads to bitterness, which is poison to a M) and REALLY look at yourself and decide if you are worthy of being WAS's spouse. I agree a M breakdown is rarely one sided but at this juncture it's more useful to look at your contribution. Look at yourself. Under a microscope. Decide if you've changed - are you happy with yourself, for you? Make changes. Now is the time for 180's. This stage also takes a long time too.
5. Time, time, time - it really IS on your side. The situation will not resolve as quickly as you hope. Don't compare your situation in terms of time with others'. It's very tempting to say "well, their situation is similar to mine and it took them 6 months so it will take me 6 months". Each situation is unique and needs its own timeframe.
6. Set your goals and decide on your first signs. This part took me a couple of months to really "get". I had to REALLY read chapter 6 of DR from "I'm discouraged" then go and review my goals before I saw any results.
7. Develop a duck's back - water slides off it. Patience + lack of panic = success.
8. Set goals for yourself as well as the R. Decide on what you want to achieve for you alone and reward your success. I know this sounds like step 4 again but it's more a case of making the changes rather than lamenting how awful you are. (I felt awful about myself for some time - bad and guilty. I did me no favours whatsoever, ended up with me feeling resentment. Much better to look forward than back - as Michelle says, look for solutions and take action)
9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D.
10. This is going to be tough on you. In the ideal world, couples in crisis would sit down together and negotiate together and accept that change was possible. In reality, you are very unlikely to resolve your problem in this way, almost certianly not in the early stages. You are not giong to have the luxury of a spouse who will listen to you and accept what you say. You are going to be in extreme pain. You have to find something to soothe this. To have your WAS would work like a shot, but you ain't going to get this in a hurry. Do whatever it takes to comfort yourself - write a diary, see friends, go places, take the kids out if you have them, take exercise - anything. Your aim is to find something which makes you say "well, the rest of my life may be turning to sh*t but at least this part of it's OK". It acts as a time out for you and relieves the stress.
OK - as I said this is what worked for me - if you're reading this then maybe it's different for you. If you're readin this and thinknig your own sitch is impossible think of this - would you give yourself false hope right now? Chances are you wouldn't. So why give yourself false despair? There are layers in a M crisis and you don't get the benefit of seeing them all at once. _________________________ Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married) Sept 07 2005 Seperated Sept and Oct 2005 H moved back Nov 2005, things still bad May 2006 - found this site Oct 2006 - H recomitted April 2007 - I began to feel normal again
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Wow...your not kidding Michelle. This is different than ANYTHING I have read. It actually makes more sense...
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I just got the greatest news...I have been trying to get into Child Protective Services for over a year now, have had one interview for an investigator position that I didn't get (though my H did so that's okay). They have picked up my application again and I will get getting another interview!!! Keep fingers crossed....
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I was wondering if anyone else has ever experienced this situation. What am I talking about, I am sure someone has, but its really starting to make me mad and I need some advice on how to handle it without losing my cool.
I have one friend who is totally unsupportive of my wish to reconcile with H. This woman is supposed to be my best friend. We have known each other for eight years. She has been married for 24, raised two great kids. But I digress...
No matter what I seem to do, its wrong. When H and I first split, she blamed me for everything, saying that I didn't pay enough attention, that I was too wrapped up in my daughter. I have been working really hard at not trying to "be the saver" and worry about my own problems.
At any rate, D12 and I went for our first counseling session on Friday, and my main concern was how she was handling all of this. The counselor told me that she is doing very well, and is actually more concerned for me than anything. The counselor also said the biggest issue is that I try to save the world instead of feeling validated that I am hurting. So I called my "friend" to tell her this. I told her D12 was okay, and she said well I am not so sure about that (btw D12 is ADHD, but does well other than being a little immature and a little overactive). The counselor suggested that for D12 we keep her very structured, and I told my friend this. Her response was that in order to structure D12, I needed to make decisions about my life and stop calling H for support, letting him call me for support, and that he was just too nice a guy to tell me to get lost. She also said he was just using me, because the only time he ever called was if he needed something. This, of course ,s not true, but regardless...talk about blindsiding someone. By the end of the conversation, I was in tears. So I called H, and told him. That is not something I would have done before this, but we have gotten to a point in our conversations where I felt comfortable doing that. Needless to say, H reassured me that if he did not want to talk to me, he would not be talking to me at all.
I am a relatively laid back person and don't do confrontation often. But the more I think about what this "friend" said, the angrier I get. I have seen real progress between me and H, especially to the point where he says its possible for a future relationship, which is progress from I don't love you. I don't like what she said. However, because I usually am so laid back, when I get angry, its all or nothing. So I have not spoken to her because I worry I am just going to blow.
Can I get some suggestions on how to handle this without losing my dignity???
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
My fingers are crossed for you on the job thing. Let us know how it goes!
I have also had friends that have not been supportive. I simply don't talk to them about the stitch anymore. I used to. Now I don't, if they ask, I just say "things are progressing" or "nothing new" and change the subject.
As for transitioning from talking to her to the above...or hopefully resolving it here...something along the lines of "I appreciate your advice, but I also really need your support. This is my M and my decision to make, and I would really appreciate your unconditional friendship please." If that doesn't help, then you may have to put your R on the taboo subjects list with her.
Outside of this BB, there are very few people I regularly talk about my stitch with. Two of my friends I do, 3 I've had to stop. I don't talk to my parents, although I do talk to my in laws occasionally. It just depends on the person and how non-judgmental and supportive they will be.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Thanks Michelle. Most of the people I talk to are supportive, but I don't talk so much because lets face it, they get tired of hearing it after a while. Everyone here is facing similar situations, so it I think it is easier for us to listen to each other. I don't know what I did before I came to this board, but I think you are right, I need to tell my friend that I want her support, and not the negativity.
I ended up calling my H about it on Saturday because when we first split, she talked to him briefly. I had moved out almost immediately, and asked if I could move back in temporarily until I got on my feet. Apparently, she told him that she did not think that was a good idea. I asked him about it, and he said he honestly could not remember, those first few days were a blur for him as well. Since then, he has spoken to her once when she called to congratulate him on his new job, but did not address our M with him. I told him she was giving me a really hard time about it, and although he didn't say anything, I know it made him angry. The thing was I didn't even bring him up. I learned not to really discuss things with her, she seems to think that if my H wants to be with me he will and its an instant gratification. I suppose unless one lives through this sitch, they cannot possibly understand that it takes time to heal the wounds. I see great progression. I don't expect it to happen overnight. I don't know why she does, and frankly, I don't care. My H's only response is it is not my job to try to please my friend, and he is right.
At any rate, I am just babbling, but feel better doing it. Thanks...
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
