Thank you all for posting such thoughtful replies, understanding and encouragement. I'm sorry I haven't been online lately - crazy work, then husband, baby and myself with bad colds. I don't know whether it's better to do this in separate posts or all in one, but I'll respond to everybody here.
Strong&Alive, (1) What started the downward spiral - what do you think, what does he think?
I don't really know what he thinks. Probably because the way I dealt with it (asking for it to be better) pushed him away more and caused a vicious cycle. I will ask him this question earnestly and get his actual words.
For my interpretation, I'll give a little background on our R. After dating several months, we ended up living together first in Thailand for 6 months while I was teaching abroad. This was a very exciting time for us. (In fact, when we met, the subject of travel was one of the first conversations that we had, and that's when we realized we really had a connection.) The relationship in general was definitely good during that time, though I do remember bringing up the physical intimacy subject, even then. He said it was important to him as well to have a sexually satisfying relationship/marriage, and that it would get better - it wasn't anything to worry about. This made me feel better and I believed him. This time abroad was early in the R, and the first time we lived together.
After 6 mos, we moved back to the US. Rocky from the start! He left a month ahead of me (note, I'm not sure – it may have been less time), because he could (he was freelancing, I had a steady job), and hung out in Hawaii until I could catch up with him. We stayed 10 days or so and came back to the US. Then we had, again, a several-week (definitely several-week) separation because he visited family (and friends) in California and Arkansas. His grandmother (who he had never spent much time with previously) was in her final weeks of life at that time. I had the steady job, and began looking for a house to buy to settle in. We weren't engaged at the time, so I bought it by myself but we intended to live together. I bought a bigger house than I was entirely comfortable with as a 'technically' single person but it was close to my work, etc, and a smart buy.
He didn't seem to understand that I needed his presence more at that transitional and scary time - scary for me because I was tying myself down (job, big house, new town) without any real promises from him. I lost a lot of weight during that time, and R was rocky when he got back.
We house-sat for a few weeks for a new friend. Then, the first night we were in our new home, he didn't want to be intimate. I couldn't believe it. It seemed terribly important to me, and I told him this. And he gave no reason for not wanting to. I got a blanket and went to sleep on the carpet of our yet unfurnished living room. I made sure he saw that I took my vibe with me! NOT the most sensitive thing I could have done, but words hadn't helped. He didn't seem to care that he was neglecting an emotional need; so I thought the idea of a physical need gone unmet might get through.
My short answer/guess: a) Maybe living abroad was somehow 'less serious' for either or both of us. Maybe we were happier, more stimulated and challenged mentally/emotionally. b) Maybe he sees a girlfriend as someone to ML with and a wife as a non-sexual partnership. c) Maybe when the initial excitement wore off, he just doesn't care about me. Note: he's a fantastic provider and I'm starting to feel stupid for caring about this, but it's always been important to me. I'm in exactly the kind of marriage I so desperately hoped to avoid.
(2) What did you do to confront/solve the issue?
I'd bring it up and let him know it was important to me, he'd agree; nothing would change. As this went on (conversation every few months) I'd get more emphatic, hurt and angry, and wasn't always diplomatic. There have been many tears and shouting. He'd pull away more (sexually and emotionally). He says he has felt "attacked" over the years and that's why he's pulled away. Note: I am very emotional and passionately expressive person (though strangely and completely detached now). He tends more toward Robot.
(3) How did he react? What explanation/response did he make?
No reaction. Explanation was always, "It's nothing, it'll get better".
(4) What roughly was the timeframe? You have a young child - that is very likely to have been a factor - yes?
Nope, child is only 1 year, this has been going on for 6 years (with unheeded hints of it prior - in Thailand). Probably got heightened with pregnancy and childbirth. He treated me like a leper during pregnancy. Other guys (just out and about) were giving me a ridiculous amount of attention, which made me even sadder about it all. The only person I wanted to want me… didn't. Now that I have a child, I am determined to be open to try to work this out. I would have absolutely been gone by now otherwise.
This sounds so fatalistic. However, I've learned that every M has its troubles, so it's pointless to go about throwing it away and looking for a new one. I firmly believe in working through the trouble because grass is not greener on the other side, just different. (but reading some posts by people who've gone without intimacy long term - as in decades, it's a scary prospect)
(5) What does he mean by working on this?
Good question - I have absolutely no idea!!!! My guess: going to counseling and just hanging on, hoping it'll stop bothering me. Well, it has, because I now survive as an emotionally detached participant in our M. I'm not sure my soul can sustain this forever.
(6) Are there other underlying issues in either of your lives - other family/work/money pressures?
Not anything more than anybody else deals with. I am a business owner. I had a hard time figuring out how my career and my (unexpected - yes, I was on the pill) motherhood can balance and coexist.
(7) What are your respective pastimes/hobbies?
Him: Ultimate Frisbee - like soccer but with Frisbee disc Motorcycling (dirtbike, not excessive) Art
Me: Nature, gardening, environment My work Triathlon Childrearing
Both of us are social, love music and are politically opinionated (and luckily we agree on the main points). I think we have some things in common here and also diverging interests, which is good.
I don't know if any of what I spewed above is helpful. I just feel terribly narcissistic and boring for throwing it all out there. Thanks for reading if anybody made it this far.
