At least he is trying to be understanding, apologize, etc. Sounds like he still doesn't quite get that you really want TIME with him and not money...but it's a start.
(((GF)))
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
H just found another thing to complain about. Remember the See's candy he got me for Mother's Day? Well apparently he deemed it was necessary to gripe about the empty candy wrappers still being in the box.....preventing him from easily being able to get to the bottom layer of candy.
Wow.
He said, "Some people would actually take the time to throw the empty wrappers out, ya know......You like collecting trash, huh?", then went out into the man-cave, without letting me respond.....Don't even know what I would've wanted to say to that.
Wow.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
GF, I don't think he WANTS to be happy. Another trait that the C says may apply to my W! Probably a good thing you didn't get a chance to say anything!
He has an opinion on everything because he needs control. Like your W I think too, Jeff.
I was actually serious about saying that to him. I wonder if an attempt at levity would just annoy him more or actually make an impression on him. At any rate, it might make you feel better.
I have had to remind myself a lot lately that humor can be a really great way to diffuse tense emotions as long as the person doesn't perceived that THEY are being made fun of.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
IMHO this is what he wanted all along and it is just yet another way of being controlling (without appearing to be so). What has he actually done FOR YOU?
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
H just found another thing to complain about. Remember the See's candy he got me for Mother's Day? Well apparently he deemed it was necessary to gripe about the empty candy wrappers still being in the box.....preventing him from easily being able to get to the bottom layer of candy.
Wow.
He said, "Some people would actually take the time to throw the empty wrappers out, ya know......You like collecting trash, huh?", then went out into the man-cave, without letting me respond.....Don't even know what I would've wanted to say to that.
Wow.
You are so much more controlled than I am... My comment would have been soemthing along the lines of: "Oh, I didn't realize that your wrapper grabber was on the fritz again. Good thing you are still able to keep your sunshiny disposition in the face of your latest affliction." See thats why you are all so much further than I am. I think I keep missing the chapter where they talk about biting your tongue...I could bite mine off and still nail him. Dry erase board?
Sorry he is being less than pleasant. Keep your chin up, maybe the chocolate will make him get a zit...Lol. (((GF)))
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
Corey, I am NOT always as composed as you think. Read on, if you dare!
Originally Posted By: ACJ
IMHO this is what he wanted all along and it is just yet another way of being controlling (without appearing to be so).
You hit the nail, ACJ. Dead center.
I KNEW this is what he really wanted. Why can't he just say so? What is the point of playing f'ed up mind games???
I wish he would just be open and honest with me about what he wants and expects from me as a W/SAHM, and I wish he would do it in a considerate manner. No matter how many times I try to ask him this, he never gets it. Never!!! His opinion is that we shouldn't be having these kind of arguments because this is all stuff that I should be taking care of already without him having to say anything about it. The laundry, getting the new insurance cards, making his appts for him, not leaving empty candy wrappers in the box, etc, etc, etc.......
The laundry - I did it. So everything's just fine and dandy there.
The cards and making his appts - I will take fault there. I know it's important and he doesn't really have time to take care of these things (although he could just as easily get new cards requested through his HR rep while he's at work - he IS there all the freakin' time! But he wants ME to call the rep). It's just that I get sooo mad with him because he doesn't pleasantly ask me to do this stuff. He tells me about what needs to be done and there is ALWAYS a sarcastic tone to go along with it. He will say things like, "I need to make an appt with the eye doctor. I don't have the f'ing time to take care of this sh**, you know, because I gotta work. I gotta pay the bills. I don't have all the time in the world like other people who get to stay home and don't have to do sh**." It just infuriates me that he feels it's ok to talk to me like this, even if he is just venting about his frustrations, and then I end up not wanting to do anything for him. C'mon, H....didn't your mother ever teach you to be polite??? Didn't she ever tell you to treat others the way you want to be treated? Geez.
Oh, and as for the candy - I saw him eating some long before he made his comment, but it didn't bother me. I think it was a couple minutes after that where he asked me if it was ok that he had some. I said of course it was ok. Then that was when I got crapped on for the empty wrappers being in the box.
*Sigh*.....Ohhhhhh, wow. This is all......it's almost surreal. It's just unbelievable to me.
Last night after the kids were in bed, we sat down to watch TV. I had grabbed the box of candy and a glass of milk (gotta have milk with my chocolate !) I opened the box, and lo and behold.....there were empty candy wrappers in there!!! Umm, I think I forgot to mention that after H's comment about me being a "trash collector", he did throw out the empty wrappers I had left.
So THESE were HIS.
Without even thinking, I said, "Wow, look at this! There's trash in here! Empty wrappers." H said, "Well there was a lot more than that before, and I threw them out." I said, "I know you did. I just didn't expect there to be any others after you did that. I thought we were trying to eliminate trash, not collect it."
Oopsie.
Then came the onslaught in full force. Did I get the cards taken care of yet? Did I make an eye appt for him? The house was a joke before he got here with all the clutter in the closets. Do I work as hard and as much as he does? No, I don't have to lift a finger, do I?.....................................
I sat there and took it. Let him get it all out. At one point, I asked if we could not do this and just enjoy the program we were watching, but that was a futile attempt. He kept digging it in deeper and deeper until I snapped and couldn't take it anymore, started hitting him with a pillow , and yelled at him, "Why am I always wrong?!!! Why can't you just be happy?!! Why do you feel the need to always be right?!!! Everything that everyone else does is just WRONG in your eyes because it is not the way YOU would like it to be! I am wrong, (friend) is wrong, SIL is wrong, even MIL at times! Why can't you just let stuff be and try to get along with people? Most importantly with ME???!!! YOUR W!!!! Why does everyone have to be wrong and you're always right?!!!! You're such an a$$hole!!!"
During that whole tirade of mine, it didn't matter what I tried to say or do because he kept interrupting me the whole time with his arm up to block the pillow (not like I expected him to just let me whale on him), like I was just some little gnat that was annoying him. Anyway, whenever I'm trying to talk, he ALWAYS has to come over the top with me! He can't ever just SHUT UP AND LISTEN!!!! Dammit!!!! This is sooooo f'ing frustrating!!!! I said that to him last night, and of course, all it did was add more fuel to the fire.
It got so bad last night that I heard S8 crying in bed. I stopped and tried to get myself together before going into his room. When I sat on his bed with him, he was still crying and said he was afraid that I was going to leave. I told him that I wouldn't leave him, EVER, and I was soooooo sorry about all of this. I was soooooo sorry. I'm soo sorry. I'm sooo sorry.
Ok, I'm totally bawling right now.....and my S3 just came up to me and asked, "Mommy, why you crying?" I told him I was sad, and he climbed onto me to give me a hug and a kiss. I told him I loved him sooooo much and thanked him for the hug and kiss. He's such a good boy, and he helped Mommy a LOT. He climbed off the chair, smiled, and said, "Ok now you feel better, Mommy?" I smiled and told him yes.
I'm so tired of this. I am ashamed that I lost control the way that I did. I feel like such a piece of sh**. I can't go on like this anymore. I can't try to make things better when I know that I am the only one here making a conscious effort towards a better R, and a better life.
BTW, H said, "I just want to say one thing. No matter what you think, I moved back in here hoping it would work out." I said, "Hope alone isn't enough. There has to be effort to go along with it."
Jeff, I believe you ARE right. I believe this man does NOT WANT to be happy. He has made comments before that he doesn't think he'll ever be happy. He thinks "it isn't possible".
He's off today. I wish you all could hear how p*ssed he was yesterday about not being able to go in today. He called them to find out if he could, and one of the supervisers told him no because he would end up going over on his hours for the week. H didn't get his way, and he was mad.
I was planning to go shopping for an anniversary card and a small gift today for him since our anniversary is tomorrow, but I REALLY do not want to now. I don't see the point in acknowledging the day he vowed to love me "for better or for worse".
I don't even want to be here tomorrow when he gets off from work. I think I should start making arrangements to get me and the kids out of this house. I can't afford to stay here, but H can.
PS - A zit would be TOOOOOO nice. He's not WORTHY of one.
Last edited by GoingForward; 05/16/0805:54 PM.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
It just infuriates me that he feels it's ok to talk to me like this, even if he is just venting about his frustrations, and then I end up not wanting to do anything for him. C'mon, H....didn't your mother ever teach you to be polite??? Didn't she ever tell you to treat others the way you want to be treated? Geez.
!) I opened the box, and lo and behold.....there were empty candy wrappers in there!!! Umm, I think I forgot to mention that after H's comment about me being a "trash collector", he did throw out the empty wrappers I had left.
