After 3 long years, H is home - II

[GoingForward]

Thanks for your posts, everyone! I totally appreciate it!

What is it they say about opinions? They are like a$$holes, everyone has one!

And they all stink!

LMAO!!! That was too funny!!

I don't remember if you and your H ever tried counseling -- or if he would even be willing?....What about Retrouvaille? Would that be something your husband could consider as a last-ditch effort?

Sadly, any kind of C, even Retro, is not an option. H does not believe in seeing someone to listen or to help solve his/our issues. Trust me, I've tried many times to get him to just consider it, but he won't.

W HATES it when I do something she has asked me not to, even if it is totally logical to do it. Really, to the point of absurdity. So, I've stopped. But, I am not at all convinced that is always the right course. Sometimes it gets confusing!

See, I feel the same way about not being sure it's always the right course to take. Not doing the things he tells me not to do, something as little as washing his clothes. Like you said, it just seems very logical to me to simply get it done. If I'm willing, then why not? Plus, I'm a SAHM - it's part of my job!!!

Interesting point about passive-aggressiveness. Never thought about that....

IMHO...you really don't need to justify you actions. If you want to leave 3 hours early, thats your business. How does this really affect him in the Grand Scheme of things...it doesn't. If he doesn't like how you do it, then you could always sweetly ask if he would like to take over this task for you, if not...he can keep his opinions about when/how you do it to himself!

I think that is a perfect solution! Just smile and say, would you like to pick them up today then? Or whatever it is he is complaining about.

Tempting.....very tempting....

However, I HAVE said this to him before on several past occasions (sometimes calmly, sometimes not), and his response was/is always, "Fine! I GLADLY will just as long as you go out, get a job like the one I have, and work as hard as I do to provide for this family......Tell me when you're ready to do that so I can quit."

But I think he got the point yesterday, when I didn't get upset and basically let him know that this is what I do and this is how I will do it, whether he likes it or not, because while the kids and I were still in bed this morning, he called and left a message saying he was sorry (and I don't think he was apologizing for still being at work).

I also concur with Jeff's assessment that he is having control issues. I think he needs to be and feel independent and in control. He can't control his shifts at work at lot of the time, a lot of aspects probably feel out of control, and he is having a hard time coping with that.

I think that's pretty safe to assume, except for the part about work. He doesn't have to work NEARLY as much as he does. He CHOOSES to. His relief calling in sick this morning certainly wasn't expected and he had to work longer than he wanted to, but 95% of the time (I am NOT exaggerating there either), he calls into work himself to see if they need any help, to see if rail cars are up to temperature so he can go in and unload them (when someone else can on that shift).

I believe it's a combination of two things. One, he doesn't want to be around because, yes, we've been at each other quite a bit in the last few weeks, and two, the money is good. REAL good. He has always had a big problem with saying no to it, even when it costs him precious time with his family and his W.

The issue with you going early for the kids:

Could it be that he is jealous?

Jealous that you can't wait to see them so you go early?

Jealous that he doesn't get to spend that quality time with them/you?

I know you have offered all this to him but just a thought.

Hmmm.....not sure.

I don't think he's jealous of not getting that time with me, but I do think he's jealous of how I get to be with them everyday, all day. He knows he's missing out on lots of things with them....watching them grow, hearing about their days, getting to play with them......He could share in some of those moments, but as I pointed out above, he chooses to work when he really doesn't have to. Even when we were S'ed and the kids were with him for his 3 or 4 days out of the week, I found out he was having other people watching them for him.....Why?.....Because he went into work. Didn't have to but did. It's sad. Very sad.

He's already worked 8 days straight so far, and the kids keep asking me (because they don't see him) if Dad's working today/tonight. They miss him.

H is out looking at cars right now. When he gets back, I'm going to (pleasantly) let him know that the boys have been asking about him. I think it's time for a little reality check.



Whew! That was long! Lotta work getting all those quotes in there!

Anyway......DAMN!!!! Sometimes I manage to amaze even myself!!! I AM GOOD!!!

LOL! Ok, I'm just talking crap and getting full of myself!

I achieved my goal, I got what I wanted - some GENUINE appreciation for having done H's laundry! I told myself if I did it for him, he would appreciate it and thank me, even though he said he didn't want me to. AND, just as I thought, he said, "Thanks for doing my laundry.....You didn't have to, but I really do appreciate it. Thanks....(Yawning and stretching because he just woke up 15 minutes before)....I was going to do it today, but before I know it, the day will have gone by and I wouldn't be able to do much of anything else. Thanks again." I said sure, no prob.



He wasn't grumpy and even asked for my opinion on certain cars he was checking out online.

Before he headed out this afternoon, he said he would be home later. He said, "I promise you. I don't want you to think I'm gonna pull any sh** with being out all night." Umm, alright. Wasn't thinking anything like that, but I just said ok.

H also said he is supposed to be off tomorrow, too, but there's a good chance he'll get called in for more overtime (my guess - he probably talked to his friend (a coworker) and told him to call him if more rail cars would be ready for unloading). He said if he does get called that he IS going in. Then he said, "If you want, I'll give you some money or something to make up for it." Umm, alright again. I didn't respond to that. He gave S3 a hug and kiss goodbye, then said bye to me. He hasn't done that in a week or so. He would just leave and say nothing to me.

Ok so, he's making a peace offering. That tells me that he's probably beginning to understand the importance of QT and how much it really means to me. If he wants to give me some spending money....umm, ok, I'll take it ......HOWEVER, I do NOT want this to become the norm, kwim? I don't want him to think that offering material "truces" will make everything ok, as if it will keep me off his back. That's what he would do pre-A.